Streams of Hope
Date Thursday, March 28, 2024 - 02:05 AM PST
Topic Experiences


Occasionally, we as people lose sight of where we're going. Individually, or in groups, we encounter turning points that make life seem like a crazy dream. When it seems like all is lost, and you try to find something in life that makes it worth it, and you come up empty. When you look around at yourself and you wish it wasn't your skin. When you think about yourself, and you wish you weren't you. Sometimes I feel like what I'm doing right now and every instant before and after it, is a total waste. But everything's not lost.
Sometimes, when I'm hoping I'll wake up in someone else's house, or someone else's arms, I almost miss those tiny streams of light. They're little pinpoints, little beams, and you can pass them by if your not care full. They're hope, and happiness, and good days, and they're your girlfriend when she smiles at you for no reason, when you smell something that takes you back, they're a jealous moon, they're a fulfilled heart, and sometimes, they're you. No matter how hard I try though, it seems sometimes, my world is too dark, too dim for those points of light. The black ether is taking control.

I never wanted to pass through it all, unnoticed. I try too hard sometimes to be liked, and I wish too hard sometimes to be loved. It's not all bad though; it never really is all bad. You can't put a finger on the feelings you get when you're where I am though. It's as if a cruel joke is played on you and you alone. It's really not anybodies fault. You see, I grew up wanting love. And now, love doesn't want me.

I hate story book love. With a vengeance I hate it, because it's all lies really. I believe in movie love. I always have, and it stems from my life being a movie, at least in my head. I believe in sweet glances, and stupid fights, and break ups that make the relationship stronger in the end, and girls next door being perfect, and all the jazz and glitter of the screen. When someone grows up as if he's on the silver screen, everything is theatrics. Fights, conversations, friend, school life, walking down the street, all of it is for the development of my character. Don't think I exaggerate or anything like that, no. I just see it all as being more important, and thus requiring appropriate bravado. One thing that was a serious matter though, was love. I wanted to fall in love, and wanted it to happen with funny, smart, sassy, sweet, exotic, down home, beautiful, average, nasty, crazy, normal, bohemian, illiterate, intellectual, interesting women, and I wanted them to love me too. Often times though, things are easier said than done.

When you fall in love with someone and they you, and then all of a sudden the calls disappear, what do you think? When you sacrifice what's dear to you to make someone happy, and they take more and more until you're dry like sand, what do you do? When all you want is to be happy and make happiness, and it feels like bullets in your chest, where have you gone? What if you find out you've held on to the hope for purity and closeness all your life, just to find out it almost doesn't exist, and there's nothing you can do? I suppose it helps that we adapt. We can change, we can recover, and that which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? In the end it all boils down to one thing: Which would you rather do? Change yourself for the world, or try and change the world, even a small part of it, and try to live happily.

When you dim yourself to let someone else shine, the whole world gets darker.


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