So you wanna be an uber goth?
Date Thursday, March 28, 2024 - 02:41 PM PST
Topic Whining


I know to the aspiring goth, ubergothness seems like the holy grail, but since the submissions have been rather whiney lately, I figured I'd submit my version of the whiney post. Maybe after reading it some people will reconsider their aspirations.
My ex was here visiting last weekend. She's what you would call a fairy princess. She went on a walk around the forest one day and came back telling me about all the cool nature stuff, deer, birds, butterflies and all that she saw. The next day she dragged me out of the house to go on a walk with her. We went the same way she had gone the day before, but we didn't see anything. Not even a bird. When we turned around to walk back, a little pure black butterfly started following me. Flying around me in a circle, not paying any attention to her. It followed me all the way home. I had to spend the whole mile or two listening to her tease me about how when I leave the house all the critters hide, and how she's never even SEEN a black butterfly.

If you've been on the site for a while you'll remember my little problem with bats in my house. My house is octagonal, so there's 8 corners, yet the bats choose to live in the one right above my bed. Anyone who thinks that's cool should try to sleep with a bat orgy going on every night above their heads. I seriously think they're filming bat porn up there some nights. If you're curious what it sounds like, go grab a vibrator (c'mon, I know you know exactly where to find one), and put it on it's lowest speed setting, and hold it up against the wall for a few seconds. Then take it off and shove it up a hamster's ass until he screams, then take it out and put it back against the wall (put a pillow over your head and repeat all night).

So a few nights ago, we had the door open for a while, and a couple bats somehow got inside. We were sitting in the living room talking when *SWOOP* there's a bat dive bombing us. We opened the door and went outside hoping it would find it's way out - but after flying around the living room a bit, it disappeared. We figured maybe it got out without us seeing it, so we went to bed. The next night (last night) we were sitting down to watch a movie (ghostworld, you should see it), and TWO bats start circling the living room and dive bombing us. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch a movie with bats flying around? So we opened the door again and I got on chat with bettie_x and her boy to see if they knew how to get bats to leave. Meanwhile Biko Kitty has spotted them and is leaping into the air trying to catch one, and REFUSES to let us grab her to lock her in a room. She runs outside. bettie and the boy have some good suggestions but none that will work in our house, so we just wait and watch. We come to the conclusion that the sliding glass door is confusing them, so we hang a blanket over the glass half so their radar doesn't get bounced back all weird, and sure enuf one flies out the door. Two audio engineers outsmart years of radar evolution. Gotta love it. The other bat is nowhere to be found however.

In all of our celebration over outsmarting the radar, we didn't notice biko come back inside with a mouse in her mouth. She played with it for a while until I was ready to deal with it. I went and got a broom. She was sitting next to the couch with the mouse under her paw. Looking right at me, she gave me a perfect little black cat sneer and batted the mouse under the couch, as if to say "see what you get for spoiling my fun?" So I put the broom under the couch and whooshed the mouse out into the middle of the living room floor. Me and Biko proceed to play mouse hockey for a few minutes on the hardwood floor (the mouse was still very much alive and not enjoying this game one bit). Biko was totally kicking my ass until I took a lucky shot and flung it out the door. Black cats are very sore losers.

So it's time for bed, and I'm all snuggled up and cozy talking to a yummy girl on my laptop who had been teasing me earlier that the second bat prolly went in my room. I told her there was plenty of other places for the bat to be hiding. So we're chatting and getting sleepy and suddenly I type "BAAAAATT brb!" The bat just flew out of my closet and was swooping around my room. Since my room has a lower ceiling than the living room, I decided to use one of the tricks from bettie and the boy. I waited till it landed on the ceiling and went and got a cardboard poster roll. I held the roll up to the bat cause they're supposed to crawl in and hide. Well he apparently didn't know that trick cuz he got super pissed at me. He started flapping his wings and yelling and screaming and cursing at me in bateese. He fluttered out the door into the living room all pissed, so I ran downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. He wouldn't fly towards the door, and was pissed at me so kept flying at me. I figured out that if you hold the open end of the poster tube towards the bat when he's flying at you, he'll turn around. After about 5 minutes of bat jousting, and failing to get him to fly towards the door, I finally gave up. The bat flew up to the rafters and hid, and I went to bed. I'm sure it will be back tonight, dive bombing us and swooping around.

Anyone who thinks this is remotely cool, or thinks mouse hockey and bat jousting sounds like fun, is welcome to come over here and get rid of the bat. Any of the people who have been whining about how their parents don't understand them, or about how that boy/girl at school should like them but doesn't - I'd like to offer you a trade. My life for your life. Straight across, no conditions - just a bad b-movie brain transpant. Anybody who's whining about how their black mascara doesn't match their black shirt - just shut the fuck up. Some of us have real problems.


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