Feelings...wish I never met you
Date Friday, March 29, 2024 - 01:09 AM PST
Topic Experiences


I read somewhere that Goth is about reclaiming our shadows, cherishing them and treasuring them. The things we tried so hard to bury in the past now come back up to the surface, demanding to be released.
The harder we try to keep them down, the harder they rise up.

I had no idea what my own shadow consisted of. Now I know. And I must say that finding out what that was took a lot of tears, grief and all around moral pain.

For years now, I had managed to successfully convince myself that I was immune to love. That I was not able to feel. Relationships flew by, grinning at me and my inability. And I, wickedly grinning back to them, denying my feelings, pushing and stacking them back in my shadow.

I felt nothing; I was in it for the pleasure, for fun. I assumed that this would be my life...that I had No heart which could break. I went through guys not feeling the emptiness when the inevitable end came.

How blind I was.

I claimed, high and strong, that detachment was my one, true, powerful weapon. And I was doing a hell of a job with that weapon too.

Until one gloomy, miserable day I learned that, slowly, the empty feeling had risen and that it was consuming me bit by bit. Tears were drowning my eyes, discontent-my soul.

I had made the mistake of freeing one emotion and realized I had opened Pandora's box and couldn't seal it back.

My life seems to be over. I feel empty. The thought that at least I know what's going on with me helps a little, but just on the surface. All I know is that I can't handle that feeling anymore. It hurts.

I lay here weeping, hoping that I've not bored you all to death *sad lol*, but putting it down made me realize just what to do.

Surrender my weapon and invoke peace. The battle within me is over and I can feel or allow myself to feel, start over, shy maybe, but with experience.

I guess I can't know what will happen but I do know this:

I can't fucking wait to go on with my new found life.

I've now embraced my shadow.

Thank you

"Gothic culture is a gift, made of those things we Lost or Never Knew We Had" (K.C. La Flamme)
I made quite a few edits to this story - I made no changes to the content, but if I somehow changed the meaning of something, please let me know and I'll fix it (this goes for all posts, fyi) -ickgirl
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