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ariadne
Member   Posts: 107 Registered: 26/9/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/9/2005 at 08:06 PM |
| Hello guys, I have a situation here. It is kind of complicated but I would
like to know what you guys would do if you were me. I have tried to get
advice from family but they just get pissed and I don't know if their
advice is neccessarily right for me. Here's the deal. My daughter's father
was murdered almost 5 yrs ago this coming Oct. He was missing for 4 of
those yrs. Well a lot of things have been ironed out and my daughter is
finally getting the financial compensation that is owed to her both from
the army and social security survivor's benefits. Well so far my daughter
has received almost $20,000 in back pay from both organisations. This was
just recently. The problem is my husband. He is currently over in Kuwait.
He took the money from the army and paid off our credit card debt. I bit my
tongue on that one. Now he wants to take the money from the survivor's
benefits and pay off HIS student loans. I said Oh hell fucking no! You know
with all this money that was suppose to be for my daughter she has received
not one fucking dime? I am now trying to get my husband to pay her back in
full the $20,000. He claims that he had a right to that money because he
participates in her raising. The thing is this money was hers to begin
with. That is like making her pay rent and she is only 4 yrs old. I am at
the point where I am willing to divorce him over this because I went
through all the suffering over this issue. I lost a boyfriend before I ever
knew my husband. So, I would like to know what any of you guys would do if
this was your child. I need to also add that financially we are fine. He
makes good money as he is a commisioned officer in the army. So, he didn't
really need to use her money he just did it as a financial strategy. ____________________
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bettie_x
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 1570 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/9/2005 at 09:24 PM |
I find it disturbing that he's acting that way, because it IS your
daughter's money. Some of it SHOULD go towards the family, however how
many years were you on your own with her? What about you? Especially if
you guys aren't struggling financially, it seems to me, rather greedy.
Normally money recieved as death benifits from the military (or any, such
as life insurance) left to a minor isn't touchable by ANYONE until that
minor is a legal adult, whereapon it becomes THEIRS. My husband's dad was
military, and when he died his mother got his social security, and military
benifits to help pay for the care of them, but they didn't get their
individual dollar alotments until they turned 18, and their mother or
family couldn't touch it.
The only situation that I can see as a way to comprimise on the issue, is
to let him pay off the loans, and then set up a direct pre-tax deduction
from his paychecks into a trust fund for her that will equal the amount he
"borrowed" when she turns 18, and get a lawyer in on it so there is no
monkey business even in the even he changes his mind or you two get a
divorce.
This is a big issue, I don't blame you for feeling this way. It's funny
sometimes how money can bring out people's true colors. What I'd bring up
to him is that he didn't know she had money coming to her when you two
married, and ask if he felt entitled to reimbursement for contributing to
her upbringing BEFORE the money hit, and when he planned on TELLING you he
wanted his money back (ie: cake/eat it). This could go so many ugly
places. I'm sorry. ____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
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ariadne
Member Posts: 107 Registered: 26/9/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/9/2005 at 10:25 PM |
| I agree with what you are saying. My mother in law told me today that she
didn't agree with what he was doing but she said that it was really tough
to argue with him all the way in Kuwait. I have emailed him though and let
him know that he will be paying my daughter back one way or another and
that an acct will be started for my daughter asap. You see all her money
that she gets comes directly into our acct. I want that to stop. That just
adds to the madness. I want her to have her own acct set up until he gets
back from Kuwait. Then when he gets back I want to take all of that money
and set up an annuity for her so she can get a bigger return on her money.
I also want us to put back all of the money she is owed by us now, thanks
to him in there also, because $20,000 isn't really much money when you have
lost your father who you will never get to meet. I was 3 months pregnant
when he was killed. So things will be pretty tough on her as it is. The
least we can do is make sure she gets everything that he had to leave her.
I think what makes me really mad is the fact that this is supposed to be
her inheritance from her father. It also makes me angry that my husband
didn't go through the mental anguish that I did when my daughter's father
went missing. He has no idea what effect this has had on me. It has been so
hard to get all of these things set up for my daughter then to have some
man walk in and take it, well it makes me want to rip his freakin' head
off. I can't believe he is being so shallow. Thanks for the advice. I
think maybe getting an attorney involved might be a good idea. It might be
best for my daughter's sake. ____________________
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Meranda_Jade
Fanatic   Posts: 511 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 17/9/2005 at 07:37 AM |
the thing is, a lot of parents seem to feel entitled to any income a child
has. Maybe yours is a different case from the norm and maybe mine was a
different case from the norm, but it's hard for me to believe so. Too many
people think of children as property, and any income that property brings
in as belonging to the one who "owns" the property.
When I was little, I saved every penny and coin that I found or was given
in a large Lifesavers coin bank. By the time I was about 5 years old, it
had quite a bit of money in it. My mother sorted through it, counted it up,
put it into coin rollers and discovered that over 5 years, I had acumulated
over $50.00. It doesn't sound like much, but it was a lot for a kid and
quite a lot for the time, around '78. My mom said she would take us to see
a movie with some of it and asked me if they could. She said she'd pay me
back. Now, it didn't take $50.00 to go to a movie back then. I never saw
any of it again. From then on, any money I saved eventually went to my
mother in some way or another. I learned the bad habits of spending money
as soon as I got it, in order to see something from it. When I started
working at the age of 13, any income I got from the two jobs I had at the
time got "borrowed" by my mom. When I got a more full-time job at the age
of 15, all of my income from that went straight to my mom. I quit working
as soon as she managed to get a job for herself. I am certain that, if I'd
had an inheritance, she would have felt entitled to that money as well.
She's said many times, "But I raised you!" (first of all, she didn't, but
that's another story). The point is, she felt entitled to whatever money I
had, simply because she was my parent. A lot of the time, the excuse "For
the good of the family" was used. I never saw any return of anything I
gave. The effort to pay me back was never made. For a long time, I felt
used and taken advantage of. Your daughter is very young now, and probably
doesn't understand that she has money yet. Eventually, she will. If it
keeps getting siphoned off, "For the good of the family" or for any reason,
she may wind up feeling resentful. She is entitled to that money, and
nobody, not even the man who has been raising her, has any right to it but
her. I hope you do get it all paid back and it is given to her when she is
old enough to understand money and can use it to her own advantage.
____________________
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ariadne
Member Posts: 107 Registered: 26/9/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 17/9/2005 at 08:52 AM |
| I spoke to my husband today and that is exactly what his words were"for the
good of the family". I feel like punching a wall. He wouldn't listen to a
word I said. He did say though that he wants to set up an annuity for her
and that all of her money would be replenished that way. So we shall see,
but I am still angry with his logic. I am angry with his rationale behind
his actions. I feel as if he is very clueless as to what this money
actually represents and the fact that a person died so that this money came
into our lives at all. It sickens me to no end. He has said things like
things I spend will come out of her money and such. I think he forgot that
we are married. He is really off his rocker on some things. Her money is
not to be touched in my view at all. ____________________
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