I'm sort of new here. I've had an account for a while, and have been
lurking on and off for a couple of years. I've even posted stuff
occasionally... Anyway, it seems like most of the people here are sick
fucks like I am, and you know what that means...
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.
Q: Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
A: In case of a stillbirth, soup.
Q: How do you get a baby to run faster?
A: Chase it with the lawn mower.
Q: What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
A: Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
A: The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.
Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby
guts?
A: You can't gargle gravel.
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of it's head.
Q: If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear
it, is it still hilarious?
(Taken from www.thisisacryforhelp.com, a site so sick and disturbing, it
actually bothered me)
And for those of you who found the jokes tasteless... They are. Horribly.
But I find them funny. Post some good ones you've heard, or better yet,
make your own.
Ah, I thought so, but couldn't find it. I'm very sorry about that.
In that case, I would love to hit you with a somewhat less likely topic;
Russell Edson, an amazingly bizzare poet I have just recently discovered.
Ape
You haven't finished your ape, said mother to father,
who had monkey hair and blood on his whiskers.
I've had enough monkey, cried father.
You didn't eat the hands, and I went to all the
trouble to make onion rings for its fingers, said mother.
I'll just nibble on its forehead, and then I've had enough,
said father.
I stuffed its nose with garlic, just like you like it, said
mother.
Why don't you have the butcher cut these apes up? You lay
the whole thing on the table every night; the same fractured
skull, the same singed fur; like someone who died horribly. These
aren't dinners, these are post-mortem dissections.
Try a piece of its gum, I've stuffed its mouth with bread,
said mother.
Ugh, it looks like a mouth full of vomit. How can I bite into
its cheek with bread spilling out of its mouth? cried father.
Break one of the ears off, they're so crispy, said mother.
I wish to hell you'd put underpants on these apes; even a
jockstrap, screamed father.
Father, how dare you insinuate that I see the ape as anything
more thn simple meat, screamed mother.
Well what's with this ribbon tied in a bow on its privates?
screamed father.
Are you saying that I am in love with this vicious creature?
That I would submit my female opening to this brute? That after
we had love on the kitchen floor I would put him in the oven, after
breaking his head with a frying pan; and then serve him to my husband,
that my husband might eat the evidence of my infidelity . . . ?
I'm just saying that I'm damn sick of ape every night,
cried father.
I've got a different version of that dead baby float joke.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.
And more!
What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor
Yeah....
You know, this kind of reminds me of that sight where you submit stuff
you'd do to a monkey if you had one.
____________________ Today's liberals are tomorrow's conservatives. When my generation is the
conservatives, we'll be fine letting gays get married and creationism vs.
evolution in schools will be a laughable issue.
But by god we'll be sticking it to the damn cyborgs!
pale-face
Fanatic
Posts: 478 Registered: 22/9/2004 Status: Offline
posted on 19/10/2004 at 05:34 PM
that sight where you submit stuff you'd do to a monkey if you had one, what
is it. it sounds rather interesting.
____________________ fucking classy.
RedQueen
Member
Posts: 98 Registered: 18/10/2004 Status: Offline
posted on 20/10/2004 at 07:41 AM
Noooooo!!! The site no longer exists! Do you know how depressed I am
right now? Oh, the sadness I feel. This is like the time this summer I
found out there would be no more new episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I
want to shoot something now.
It was ifihadamonkey.com, but the site is down, probably forever since God
hates me.
It was a site where people submitted at least ten things they would do if
they had a monkey, based off the original list by some guy named Paul or
something. I had some things on there, myself. It was this hideously
long, ever-growing list of the perverted things people thought it'd be
funny to do to innocent little monkeys.
I miss it now.
I kept my list of stuff on my Bolt account, but bolt is being a complete
douche right now, so I despair some more.
____________________ Today's liberals are tomorrow's conservatives. When my generation is the
conservatives, we'll be fine letting gays get married and creationism
vs.
evolution in schools will be a laughable issue.
But by god we'll be sticking it to the damn cyborgs!
pale-face
Fanatic
Posts: 478 Registered: 22/9/2004 Status: Offline
posted on 22/10/2004 at 03:15 PM
what would I do if I had a monkey you ask?
I would train it to be a assassin ant get it to kill people I hate.