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Anya
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 6/7/2004 at 07:23 PM |
I watched the fire and brimstone go on in the past few days. In matter of
fact, I obviously got thrown in the pit, as well. It can be looked at as
positive and negative, but either way, it had me thinking...as in thinking
DEEPLY (was that not the purpose?). I reflected on day one to now, who I
have met and befriended, who seemed to not like me, how I have changed,
etc. This thread is made for such self-analysis, and has me asking
questions to myself...and others through this thread.
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first
came here?
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward
personality, beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your
fancy)?
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your
eyes?
This new topic, in a way, is a "Closing Comments", for lack of better
words, for the "Tough Love" and the aftermath of it. I'll begin.
***********
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first
came here?
Like many other twits, I found this site when trying to find information on
the "Gothic Enlightenment" (sometime around the year 2000, I think; I
registered later). However, I found a lot more and realized it wasn't the
WIG site that I mistook it as. Seeing the depth that the site had, I began
to lurk for year and so and get my feet wet.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
I found a community of not only knowledge, but eventually began to
socialize with people that I found intelligent and people that I felt would
help me on my path to perfection. Such peers have encouraged me to get my
feet wet. However, I find them stuck in the mud now from the imperfections
that I have.
A big part of Shmeng that intrigued me was the political side. I wanted to
get involved. I wanted to experiment with it more for the sake of growing
on this part. As feralucce pointed out, I was and am young and idealistic.
It appeared that many people wanted controversy, so I grew to the point of
playing Devil's Advocate on a variety of issues, whether I knew much about
them or not; I did it not to only bring conversation about the issues, but
to learn from them, whether I was advocating one side or the other. Hells,
sometimes I agreed with certain points and still lashed at them just so
that I could question myself...other times, I just wanted more knowledge
before taking a stance. Unfortunately, I took this part of me too far and
now have people questioning what I really stand for. Once more, I extend
my apologies for my misgivings on this site.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward
personality, beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your
fancy)?
A lot has changed. I am always on a path of changing, though trying to
develop more stability now. On day one, I was trying to find information
on a stereotype and in a sense, tried to find my knit. However, that
turned into a path to perfecting myself, both internally and externally.
Politically, I used to be very liberal. Then I shifted extreme in the
other direction. After a series of debates, I tried to find my equilibrium
by playing Devil's Advocate, more or less...and now I am back to square
one, just keeping silent with my sources or just leaving the stuff alone.
Even in such an icky subject, I suppose we have to learn and grow in all
aspects of life.
Spiritually, I came here agnostic, then I tried to give Christianity a shot
again as a "weird Christian." That path didn't speak to me, so I
experimented with more paths, for lack of better words. Then a path beyond
the extreme labels spoke to me and I followed it with the knowledge that I
had, searching for more knowledge and wisdom. Now I am an eclectic Pagan,
if I am to label myself anything, but there is really no way of "defining"
my spirituality. It transcends religious labels - we all walk spirituality
alone.
Personality wise, I noticed that my first impression here was this nice,
sweet, and fluffy girl who in a way victimized herself.
Things have changed in these years, though...
I'm still nice, but now I have grown to have a bitter shell in the real
world (and with -some- people in the online world). At the same time, I
have grown even more and more scared (yes, I'm admitting to that). In some
ways I am more stable, but in other ways I am still a lost child in the
dark. I've went from one extreme to another in my teen years, both
internally and externally. I've grown so afraid of people in these past
few months and on top of that, the real world has brought me clinical
depression. Hells, I'm shivering and in tears trying to express myself the
best that I can.
Every time I try to show my true self, most of the time I am considered too
"needy" or have some other trait that annoys someone, but if I keep
paranoid, I'll never find equilibrium...
Whenever I try something, it often falls apart...
All these thoughts echo in my head, but a higher self is struggling to
fight. Despite my pessimistic side, I wont feel sorry for myself; I'll
just keep moving. I'll continue to try to perfect myself. I'll continue
to keep my values. After all, what else is there really to live for? If I
was perfect, I would have nothing to live for...
Forgive the ramble, but I had to express my progress to this "new
awakening."
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your
eyes?
Long story cut short, my lifeterm goal until I am no longer allowed to do
it here: perfect myself in as many was as I can.
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Meranda_Jade
Fanatic   Posts: 511 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 6/7/2004 at 08:41 PM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first
came here?
Devin invited me. I came here to meet interesting people and have a good
time. I must say, I've done what I intended to do.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
Shmeng has brought many new people into my life who I never would have
known existed otherwise. Through conversations and other interactions with
these people, I've learned a lot about myself and who I am and who I want
to be. Without Shmeng, or more importantly, the people on it, my life would
have probably gone into an entirely different direction.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward
personality, beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your
fancy)?
Every person I come into contact with changes me a little bit. I think I am
still the basic person I always have been, with better and more varied
garnishes than I would have had, had I not met such colorful and intriguing
individuals.
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your
eyes?
My purpose her now is the same it has always been. To be part of a close
knit group of interesting people and to have fun.
____________________
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Alugarde
Member   Posts: 185 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 6/7/2004 at 09:58 PM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first
came here?
I'll admit it. I googled "gothic" and found Gothic Enlightenment, and
through it Shmeng. My intention was to learn what it was to be goth, see
how I matched up to what I found, blah blah blah..
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
First and foremost, it got me thinking. I had for some time felt a desire
to make some changes in myself, but was just plain intimidated by the
concept of making a drastic change to who I was. With the emotional support
of my then-girlfriend, I saw the way people here acted, thought about it,
decided what I liked, and threw out the rest.
In many ways, Shmeng is my point of reference. Since it was more or less
the first thing I found during the aforementioned google search, I was
never really exposed to the (I hear) horrors of other similar web
communities. I was actually quite surprised to hear that Shmeng was a cut
above the rest.
Shmeng has also played a role in a very negative time of my life. Once I
began making a few changes, it was like opening a floodgate, and I began
going through what I guess could be called Tweakytime, except that this was
long before Devin wrote up his guide on it, and I did it all horribly
wrong. I never really told my girlfriend of any of the changes I made, or
if I did, I expected her to embrace them willingly as though she had
thought about them herself. My relationship with her slowly degraded into
me lashing out against her with unnecessary changes. She tried to adapt,
but I wouldn't remain constant, and I just kept causing problems until she
left.
That is not to say that all of the changes I have made are negative. I've
made quite a few positive changes, but it has been a double-edged sword for
me.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward
personality, beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your
fancy)?
I'd like to think that they have, and that they will continue to do so.
Unfortunately, it hasn't accomplished much yet. The majority of my (active)
time on shmeng was spent while I was with my girlfriend, and because I
could sense the problems we were having stemmed from how I was changing, I
was afraid to show who I was to anyone. I posted what neutral comments I
could, and I posted some flames, because, as Devin has said, "Shmeng exists
because people suck", so when I posted flames I felt like I was helping to
fulfill the role of Shmeng, and thereby a part of it. I wasn't and still am
not, but I'd like to be. I also sought out a handful of individuals who I
liked who seemed to like me, because I wanted to know people here a bit
better, but I've never been good at a one-on-group method of getting to
know people. If I meet tons of new people at once, I never get a chance to
know any of them, because I ask questions to fill in the silence, and if I
were to ask Bettie, Schizo, Shade, and Feral a question, I'd feel like I
was giving a survey.
Spirtually, I came here a nonpracticing Christian, but the closest label
you could put on my spirituality today is Agnosticism
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your
eyes?
I don't know if "purpose" is the word I'd choose. Since I'm such a blank
page here, I'm not really fulfilling any role. I suppose my purpose here is
to begin to express myself better, and to find a purpose here.
____________________
l33t is the bastard cousin of contractions.
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 7/7/2004 at 12:25 AM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
I was pointed this way by someone I found on a personals site... I came
here to get laid... I admit it...
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
I entered... and LITERALLY lost all thought... well not all, but getting
laid was no longer my purpose in being here... I found a forum of people
that listened to me, and presented me with an intellectual challenge... and
that happens so rarely in real life... I CRAVE IT...
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
Not really... my debates may have refocused my thinking, but my core ehtos
is not changed... most debates have allowed me to explore my own beliefs
and feelings... by explaining them to others, I come to a greater
understanding of why I am like I am...
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
THe same as ever... though now... I ... feel as if this is my territory...
I am family... and as a result... I will go to any lengths to defend this
place... ____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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angel_of_death
Member  Posts: 119 Registered: 4/4/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 7/7/2004 at 12:48 AM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
i stumbled onto shmeng when i was searching for gothic culture at google...
as for my intentions, for a long time i wasnt a member, i juts came and
looked at the message threads for a while, had a laugh and then i lost
track of shmeng for about a year found it again and joined. i have
considered it a building block of my life ever since... this story being
told... i am still a newbie and have discovered, even tho i have known/been
a member of shmeng for acouple of years... i have no 'intentions' as such,
i juts come here because... i dont even know why, i juts do, something
about this place...
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
Shmeng has not effected my life as such, what i have noticed is that at
school i start alot of my sentences with "on shmeng last night..." and tend
to think ahead about what to write in threads.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
things have changed since i joined up, yes, but not becasue of shmeng, i
have become a christian, i true christian, i have become commited to God's
plan for my life, the challenge has been staying true to that here, its so
easy juts to swear or to say "bad" things... so yea things have changed.
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
my purpose, i still dont have one, i am still small in the scheme of things
here, ask me in 6 months, but unitl then, i will still be posting and
hopefully submit a article or two. ____________________
I know whats it like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to
fit in but you can't, how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill
the pain in the inside.
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IamSquid
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 658 Registered: 27/5/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 7/7/2004 at 01:12 AM |
This sounds alot like something out of a twelve step program but, wtf, I'll
bite.
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
I dont even recall how I find the site. At the time I was very
disilusioned with everything "gothic" and I decided to come here and be
myself and see how quickly it would take for all the uptight goths to prove
to mee that I am not one of them,. I don't consider this trolling because
the objective was for the people here to piss mee off and not vice-versa.
What I found instead was people who actually enjoyed and respected mee.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
I've met alot of people I consider dear friends here. I wouldn't have
wandered back to Europe or had my tentacles installed if I had never come
here.
3. Have things changed with you since day one?
Well quite a bit actually, I went from being depressed (of which I was in
denial) to being the happiest person I knew, to balancing out to where I am
now (although the role Shmeng plays in that is indirect).
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
If yoo mean at this moment? I think since I returned and found that most
of my favorite friends either left or rarely show-up anymore I've taken it
upon myself to try to create the atmosphere I enjoyed when I first came
here and unfortunatly, most of the remaining active people whom I adore
aren't as enthuastic about my drivel as I had hoped. ____________________
i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.
-ickgirl
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MystryssRavynDarque
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 648 Registered: 24/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 7/7/2004 at 09:05 AM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
I was googling "gothic" just over 2 years ago when I somehow stumbled
across Shmeng. Don't ask me how I found it, I really don't have a clue.
I feel as though I was blindly led here for some mystical reason. My
intentions were only to read and learn as much as I could and to make some
new friends.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
In some ways Shmeng helped to bring me out of the closet I was stuck in my
whole life. If I had never come to Shmeng, I may not have ever discovered
my true sexuality. I moved across the country to be with one of the people
I met on Shmeng, and I am extremely happy now. Shmeng has brought new
ideas such as polyamoury forth to me, and I have discovered that is also
something I like. I thought about how life would be like if I were in a
monogamous marriage. I wouldn't really be able to flirt with anyone else
and I wouldn't be able to date anyone else, and I wanted to, I felt I had
more love to share than with just one person.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
I am now openly attracted to my same gender, I now feel that polyamoury is
right for me, I have dropped the religion my parents placed upon me from
birth, and I am no lonber a virgin. When I first started coming to shmeng
I was sitll a virgin girl who said she could never like other girls and who
said she could never have sex before marriage. I wrote this article:
http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file
=article&sid=419
and later wrote this article:
http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file
=article&sid=530
My how things can change in a persons life in so short a time period.
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
I'm not quite sure of my purpose here now. I guess I am just here to make
people smile. I like to do that. I like to be the ray of sunshine to
brighten up their day or their comfort when they are feeling down. I do
hope to come up with a good article to post soon. I also hope I can bring
somebody as much enlightenment as Shmeng and all of its dwellers have
brought me. ____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't
think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the
experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell
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Ironboots
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 893 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 8/7/2004 at 03:40 PM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
I was a bored, depressed, angsty, goth-wannabe teenager searching the web
for like minded people. I liked shmeng because it looked gothic and they
talked about cool things. Just like the others, I googled 'Gothic' (or
something like that)
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
I don't know. I'd say that it has had no affect on my life, but that would
be igoring all the little unnoticeable effects it has had on me.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
I'm not the angsty ranting teenager I was when I came here. I don't use the
computer as much for games or surfing, and I've kinda gone from black to
green. But I still love black.
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
My purpose? Didn't know I was supposed to get one. I just view this site as
a place I can come to burn some time reading, not a place that requires me
to do anything. (I'm probably gonna attract some flak for saying that, but
maybe not...)
____________________
Piggy's got the Conch!
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pale-face
Fanatic  Posts: 478 Registered: 22/9/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 2/10/2004 at 07:07 PM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
Quite some time ago I was looking to feed my thought by means of a good
poem. I stumbled across the Poetry Gallery. Reading through it I liked what
I saw not realizing until some time later that there was much more to the
sight. Browsing through the sight and finding many interesting things I
came back once and a while to see if there was any big new things going on
in the world of shmeng. It took me quite some time to get the courage to
join. Seeing how you treated the newer posters, although at times
understandable, was intimidating.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
All in all I believe I have become a more cynical person. disagreeing with
everything i hear. I have learnt many a thing from reading posts from the
more intelligent of the shmeng gathering. I have read up on every thing
from job opportunities to totally pointless screaming, of which I have
taken to heart in all instances.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
I don’t just talk for the sake of talking anymore. I have realized that it
makes you look like an ass. Make informed speech about yourself and
others.
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
To continue my intellectual growth. To have some deep conversations with
the vast variety of people in shmeng.
____________________
fucking classy.
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Jesi
Occasional Poster   Posts: 43 Registered: 30/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/12/2004 at 01:25 PM |
1. How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
Time to bare my soul. I found shmeng 2 years ago...maybe a little
bit more...when I was searching for an article. I forget what the article
was about, but I found the site intriguing and registered. Truth be told,
I've registered three times already, but never commented. I was never a
troll. I was a lurker (hell, I still am one). Anyways, I always lost my
password, which fucked me over. I gave up for a while, then came back, made
Jesi and wrote the password down so I wouldn't forget it ever again.
2. How has Shmeng affected your life?
Although I've been learning from experience in the "real" world,
Shmeng has taught me that not everyone likes you. You need to say what you
mean and mean what you say, because there are people who will rip your head
off and bite your ass if you say something in fucked up english or
something that doesn't make sense. I don't think I've gotten "tough love"
or had "baptism by fire"anywhere else.
3. Have things changed with you since day one (aiming toward personality,
beliefs, etc, but you may include or excluded what suits your fancy)?
Yep. I've learned more about religions, for example, and
politics. My personality hasen't really changed, however...
4. What is your purpose here NOW, or your purpose from your eyes?
Give back to shmeng someday by writing a damn good article
that Callei won't want to kill me for. ____________________
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gothicmorman
Fanatic Posts: 233 Registered: 11/7/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 19/12/2004 at 03:14 AM |
1) How did you find Shmeng? What was your intentions when you first came
here?
There was a girl who moved into my complex so i went and called on her and
naturally we became friends. She kept saying she was goth. Goth was
something i had never though to much about before and all I really knew was
the pale faced black make-uped depressed stereotype, which I knew could not
actually be correct. So like many other people i googled "Goth" and found
the forums and registered. I was 13 almost 14 at the time so yes i was a
troll, a total dolt asking stupid questions but I did learn relativly
quickly. It was then that the whole goth things started to interest me
though i have never actually been goth and probably never with be goth.
ironically enough with my name (gothicmorman). the name is an oxymoron it
puts me in the middle. I am me that is it. No labels. Screw that, if people
so stupid that they need a label to be friends oh well. I can study you
from across the room too. damn that was a long answer, oh well.
2) How has Shmeng affected your life?
Being on shmeng has taught me to think more analytically. I have never been
much of a poster on here and i have not written any article but that is
because I have nothing of real value to post yet. It has helped me look at
situations and find the story behind them and it has motivated me to write
more though none of it is really long enough to be an article. Shmeng has
always been a place that i can come back to when the superficial world just
gets to stupid and boring. The people on here always have something new and
interesting to think about. Shmeng has helped me grow up in a lot of ways.
A lot of time i do find myself starting sentences with "There was this
article on shmeng about.."
3) Have things changed since day one?
Hell yes, I have learned to think before posting, to say what I mean when i
talk and not back down just because others disagree. then of course there
is the fact that when i started here i was 13 and am now 17 which is a big
maturity difference anyway.
4) What is your purpose here now?
Now, my purpose is to infiltrate the community and become part of it -
start posting more etc (dont really have enough net time but i try). and of
course i want to write an amazing article but that might take some time and
practice. I want to learn all i can from the older people with more
experience, so that i can do it right when i get there. I am graduating
this year which is kind of scary. generally, the same finding community and
friends as most of the other people.
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