|
|
| Normal Rooms | | General | 4 users
AntiStaticCleaningWi, melinda_halliwell_tu, Mistress_SinisterLov, littlegothgirlthatco |
|
|
|
|
|
Currently no members online:)
You are an anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here |
We have 24 guests online !
|
|
|
 |
 |
Forums
You are not logged in | | |
|
|
|
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 6/4/2004 at 03:30 AM |
My dad was in a car accident yesterday. For a while they weren't sure he
was going to make it. They think he's going to pull through now, but
they're not sure of the extent of the damage.
This whole thing has got me very confused. I really don't know what I
feel. What if he died? All of my teen years I wished for that. But do I
still want it to happen? I don't know. More recently, I just feel a sort
of disgusted ambivalence about him. Mainly I just don't want him around
me. If he died, I suppose I wouldn't have to see him anymore. But is it
worth it? Because this whole situation has got me thinking about him and
picturing him, and I really don't want to. Which makes me a little angry,
and then guilty for feeling angry about such a little thing when a man is
lying in pain. And then I feel angry for being made to feel guilty.
And then there's the sadness, because there were some really cool moments
with him when I was young, but not much sadness, since those days died long
ago, and I scarcely even connect them with the person he is today. That
all happened with a different Dad.
So the prospects of my Dad's possible death made me feel slightly sad,
somewhat relieved, and very, very angry. Even more angry because, this is
not how someone should feel when they find out their father might be dying.
I should feel sad, very sad, devastated. I didn't let anyone at work
except my best friend know, because I knew they would expect me to be
devastated, and I wasn't. Just numb, and angry.
And confused.
Well, I guess he's going to live. I wonder how things are going to change.
I talked to my Mom on the phone last night about him. I wanted to, and I
didn't want to. Why did I want to talk about someone I usually only want
to pretend doesn't exist? Why does the fact that he happened to be my
father make me care about him when I don't?
That's the only way I can describe it. I care about him when I don't. And
I don't know how I can do those both at the same time, but I do. I'm sad
and I'm not. I hurt and I don't. I wish I could do one or the other, but
I can't. I wish I could just bawl my eyes out, or just live my life like
normal, but I can't.
This sucks. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
| |
callei
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 6/4/2004 at 07:03 AM |
there is no "should" in grieving other than "you should go with it since it
will be even tougher to sort out later". you were in shock. Someone you
know well was suddenly facing death. someone that was formative in your
life and makes up some of the background noise of your everyday life.
and really, feeling two things or even 10 at the same time makes total
sense. you are feeling one thing for him, your mother, his friends, and his
community and something else for you, and your friends and community. you
can be happy for someone starting something new in thier lives (say getting
therapy or something) and still be mad at them for what they did to you in
the past.
If he dies, then you wont have to see him, but you would have to do all
sorts of things like phone calls and funerals (the burden of the living
designed to makes us feel less bad about not dying at the same time) and
you would have to deal with your mothers grief. And even in shock, your
brain is smart enough to know that his death wouldnt erase the past, free
you from your family, and make it all better. By kicking it he would, in
fact, add to your stress not relieve it, at least in the short term.
You have my sympathy in this time of stress. Be forgiving of yourself and
what you think and what you feel. sudden death or infirmity is a shock. ____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 6/4/2004 at 03:33 PM |
Thanks, Callei. I'm feeling a little more normal now, very exhausted, but
more normal.
I think the problem is, I thought things had healed inside me from the
damage he caused me, but it turned out they were just at rest, like a
sprained ankle that doesn't hurt when you don't step on it, but when you
do, OUCH!!!
So now it seems like I've suddenly got all this stuff to deal with, and I'm
not sure what to do with it. And I really just want to shove it away and
ignore it, but I know I need to face up to it and take care of it, or it
will just resurface.
I don't know what I would do without my daughter. She is so unconcerned by
the whole mess that it helps distract me and get on with my day. So I
don't end up obsessing about everything. Poor kid, though. I'm so
emotionally exhausted that I ended up snapping at her pretty harshly this
afternoon.
My dad has 5 broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, and there was some bleeding in
his brain that the doctors were concerned about, but the neurospecialist
had to run off to an emergency operation and didn't have time to tell my
mom what was going on. He's heavily sedated and breathes through a
tube.
We're all concerned about if he should be driving anymore after he
recovers. This is about the 5th time he's totaled a car in as many years.
The medication he takes for his paranoid schizophrenia has decimated his
reaction time. I always hated riding with him, not only because I hated
him, but because his driving scared me.
A kind of funny thing - my dad was on his job at the time - driving Amish
people to work! He had just picked up this one Amishman and was pulling
out into the road when the pick-up t-boned him in the drivers door. The
car - a Mercedes - was totalled. It belonged to his boss - another
Amishman, who owned the car and worked on it in his garage, but never drove
it. So this was a car accident where 2 Amishmen were involved, which is
not something you expect, is it! ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
feralucce
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 6/4/2004 at 04:27 PM |
| i agree with callei: a sudden shift in paradigm fucks with the mind... ____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
|
| |
callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 8/4/2004 at 01:57 PM |
| any improvement in your dad's health? ____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 8/4/2004 at 03:17 PM |
Still the same. They've got him drugged to the hilt on morphine so he
won't fight the breathing tube. My mom calls faithfully every evening, and
never has anything new to say. Pretty much they have to wait for his ribs
to heal enough so he can handle simple things like breathing on his own.
It all sounds so miserable.
He has some head trauma, but he responds when he isn't drugged too much,
and his pupils and blood pressure and stuff like that are all normal, so he
isn't going to turn out a vegetable or anything like that. I still don't
know, and I don't think the doctors do either, whether he will be
completely normal (at least, normal for him) when he comes off the drugs.
That's something else we'll have to wait for.
I may not like the man much, but you can't help but feel sorry for someone
in that condition. Poor guy. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 8/4/2004 at 03:32 PM |
| My mortal enemy, YES... MORTAL ENEMY... from high school, suffered severe
head trauma... he was never the same... he and I are friends... ____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
|
| |
callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 8/4/2004 at 03:33 PM |
iam really sorry, for him and for her and for you and for everyone else
involved. its tough waiting to find out if they are going to still be able
to care for themselves. it gives you time to have horrible nightmares.
OUr best wishes are with you
____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away.
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 9/4/2004 at 02:01 AM |
Thanks, guys. You're awesome.
My mom's doing pretty good, and so is my brother. We're more worried about
how my dad's sisters are dealing with it. The three of us know dad well
enough to know he wasn't very happy the way he was. If he goes (which he
still can. Complications can happen at any time) we know it is for the
best. The tough thing is figuring out what he is going to do with himself
with even more limitations put on him.
He's certainly NOT going to be driving anymore. Which takes away the one
job he has been able to hold for eons. He already feels bad that mom is
the primary bread winner. He'll feel even worse if he turns out even more
of a burden, not to mention going stir-crazy because he won't be able to
get out of the house. I'm not so sure how my mom's going to deal with
that.
But she's strong. Maybe she plays ostrich and sticks her head in the sand
a lot, and pretends things are better than they are, but you can't deny the
fact that she's had a tough marriage, but stuck it out and made the best
she could out of it and survived. And while I don't believe for a second
that she's any way near as satisfied with the relationship as she claims,
she is still a reasonably happy person.
Although she opened up to me a bit more about how things really are living
with dad last night. I guess recently the doctors lowered dad's meds,
which makes him more competent, but also more belligerent and suspicious.
Which is harder on her.
But I'm doing better, since I stopped being weirded out by being weirded
out. I've pretty much had four or five different dads over the years, and
so I'm going to have at least that many different reactions to finding out
news like this.
I kind of think that this is going to revolutionize the way I see my
parents. Not that I'm suddenly going to become super-daughter and want to
spend all my time with them, but I think I've mellowed out in the last few
years, and this is going to jolt me into a new, more accepting era of
daughterhood. And more honest. Life is too short to pretend it away.
They're trying to wean dad off morphine, to see what will happen. And
they're talking traecheotomy (sp?) because you can't leave a breathing tube
in too long, I guess. But they want to see what's going on with the
breathing and brain damage issues. What fun. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the
carefullest
/>
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
IamSquid
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 658 Registered: 27/5/2002 Status: Offline
|
posted on 9/4/2004 at 04:09 AM |
I wasn't going to post here but, well, here I am. I'm in a similar boat to
the one yor currently in, Schiz. I haven't spoken to my father in seven
years. I hate his guts, severely.
I remember at one time seeing him on a gurney getting loaded into the back
of an ambulance. Personally, I found it to be extremely satisfying and
then let down when he was discharged from the hospital. But yor situation
is of course not my situation.
I guess I don't know what to say but I certainly don't think yoo need any
more emotional turmoil at this stage in yor life. I have confidence that
yoo'll come out of this okay. Do whatever yoo genuinely feel yoo should do
(which means a deep, probably painful, examination of how yoo actually
feel) but if yoo do decide to give him another chance, don't hesitate to go
back to hating him if it turns out he hasn't changed. ____________________
i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.
-ickgirl
|
| |
callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 9/4/2004 at 06:00 AM |
i too didnt talk to my dad for like 6 years. the thing is i dont hate him
and i didnt hate him then. we were both "busy" i guess. I needed to get
away from my family to try to put myself back together after a divorce, and
some serious issues with them all. but when he called that he was having
kidney problems and wanted to talk before some surgery that he was facing,
i was really ok with talking again.
I wont pretend that he is a "perfect" father, he isnt. but he also isnt a
"bad" person. and yeah our relatioship has changed alot since i was a child
and a teen. It was strange and awful to face his death (he didnt die and is
still kicking) and at the time i was looking after another family member
that was dying so it was compounded strangeness from seeing other people
facing the death of thier father while talking about the impending death of
my father.
All i can say is that forgiveness usually means forgiving yourself first,
and there is nothing like being a parent to make you learn to forgive
yourself and then others.
And i bet his sisters are freaked. I know i speak for everyone here when i
say our best wishes and prayers (in various forms) are with you and your
kindergothen. giggle ____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away.
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 9/4/2004 at 01:45 PM |
Squid, I will not deny that very deep hope awoke in me when I heard the
news of the accident. But unfortunately, my hate for him is not pure
enough to keep that hope from being complicated with regret. Part of me
still wishes he would just die, and yet another part broke down crying at
work today, and I had to go home early. I wish it could be that simple for
me. But it isn't. I've had to accept the fact that this is going to be
very, very difficult to sort out.
The thing is, though he caused me so much pain as a child, and in many ways
is such a closed-minded asshole, he is also kind of a lost child. Before I
came around, they say he was a very innocent, trusting, hurting person.
He's very confused about what a "good" dad and husband is supposed to be,
and the fundamentalist church he blundered his way into taught him a kind
of authority he just wasn't equipped to handle. With the paranoid
schizophrenia on top of that, he really didn't have a chance. And now (or
at least, up till recently), he has been drugged up on anti-psychotic
medication with heavy side-effects, which leaves him largely incompetent to
carry on adult existence, but still with that need to be the proper "head
of the household", which is incredibly stressful for him.
So it ends up that, here is a person with whom I have horrible memories and
associations, and physically has many repulsive things about him, but who
you can hardly blame. So I no longer actively wish him harm, I just don't
want to see him or think about him. His death would mean that I would
never see him again, but it also means that I must think about him.
And on top of it, it's just such a sad way to end such a sad life. His
parents split up when he was a baby. His step-dad died in a car accident.
His mother died by suicide, and he was the one to find her. He found a
girl and had kids, then mental illness robbed him, first of his
relationship with his wife and kids, and then of the ability to work and
function normally in just about every way. Now, just when he found himself
a job he could handle, and activities he could do, and his family has
healed largely, and he has a grandaughter who he adores and who doesn't
remember the painful days, he gets himself half-killed in an accident.
Now, either he dies in pain and it all ends, or he lives on in pain and
loses the few things that made life at all good for him, like his job, his
hobbies, more of the last vestiges of his mentality, and perhaps even the
ability to travel to see his granddaughter.
No matter who the person is, and what they've done to you, that is a sad
story. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the
carefullest
/>
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 10/4/2004 at 04:07 AM |
Well, Mom called me last night. They took away the sedation medicine
(leaving the pain medicine for obvious reasons), just to get a better idea
of what's going on in the head trauma area.
Well, I guess it's been disappointing. He's even less responsive than
before. He won't squeeze mom's hand, and though he opens his eyes and
turns them towards people, he really doesn't seem to focus well. He only
moves one foot a little, and he used to thrash around because he didn't
like the breathing tube (who would?)
And he's getting fluid in his lungs. They made him breathe a couple
breaths on his own, but they said he really wasn't ready.
All my mom seemed to talk about was how ready she was to let him go. I
guess he's been talking recently about how he didn't want to be a burden
and make her have to take care of him. So I really don't see him having
that fight that seems to be necessary for someone to pull out of a severe
injury.
If he doesn't pull through, it certainly won't be immediate. He'll
probably just linger on for a while and then slip away.
If he does make it, we are certainly looking at physical and cognitive
therapy for a long time.
Hooray. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and
/>
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the
carefullest
/>
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
IamSquid
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 658 Registered: 27/5/2002 Status: Offline
|
posted on 10/4/2004 at 05:33 AM |
| Schizo, I need to apologize. There may have a certain amount of projecting
on my part and I'm sorry. ____________________
i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.
-ickgirl
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 11/4/2004 at 04:11 AM |
No need to apologize, Squiddie, I understand.
I hated my father, too, for a while. As a teenager, the question was
whether I wanted to kill myself or him more. Now I pity him more.
If your father died, I don't see why you should mourn for him. I wonder,
though, if you might end up mourning for the father you never had.
Although I'm sure you've already done that. I know I have.
You know, I thought I wouldn't care at all if my dad died. I guess I was
wrong. My fiance knew though - he lost both his parents early. He knew it
would hit me - he was waiting for it ever since the first phone call came.
He knows me too well. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips
and
/>
/>
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the
carefullest
/>
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 14/4/2004 at 03:06 AM |
I guess my dad is improving. He's moving more on the right side, and is
more alert, although it's hard to tell if he recognizes mom or not. They
suctioned out his lungs (sounds pleasant) and didn't get much fluid, so
they think that's mostly just the bruising. And they're going to try to
get him breathing on his own so he won't need the traecheotomy.
It's still highly uncertain what his physical and mental abilities will be
when this is all over, but it looks more and more like he will recover
eventually, barring the unforseen like pneumonia (why are medical terms so
hard to spell?).
Fun fun fun. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips
and
/>
/>
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the
/>
carefullest
/>
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
|
| |
Ironboots
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 893 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
|
posted on 14/4/2004 at 08:41 AM |
They make them hard to spell so that you have to go to college for 8 years
just to learn them.
Its good your dad is recovering... I hope he gets better quickly.  ____________________
Piggy's got the Conch!
|
| |
|
|
|
