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Author: Subject: Soul Searching


Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 10:22 AM
Part of the fun of a major life change is being able to see things from a new perspective. My mother, who has been divorced twice, talks to me quite a bit about how a bad marriage can affect a person. She told me that she thought I lost sight of who I was somewhere along the road. I don't believe I ever really knew who I was.

So, weird as it sounds, I'm trying to figure out who I am. It sounds like a problem I should have tackled when I hit puberty...maybe I did, though, and things are just changing again. Every day, I uncover a bit more of myself that I didn't know was there. Some of it is good, but a lot of it is stuff I'd rather not see. ( Case in point: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=XForu m&file=viewthread&tid=584#pid )

I find myself wondering when I became so angry and bitter. Was it there all the time, just waiting for me to notice it? What in the hell am I supposed to do about it, now that I've found it?

It's so weird...one minutem, I feel enlightened; the next minute, I feel confused.

I know nothing and understand nothing...and frankly, it scares the hell out of me.


"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

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Extreme Fanatic

Posts: 656
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 11:00 AM
You know, I have similar problems. Everyday and moment, though, is better on my journey to finding my personal balance. Sometimes though you do get off balance because of the loops that reality has. The challenge, to me, is trying to take control of the loops, or just go with the flow in relaxation, living through it all.

I do not think learning about the self, understanding the self, and improving the self can be done overnight, or even many years. Hells, for all I know, it may be impossible for one life time. Either way, it's something to wake up to and live for, no?


Extreme Fanatic

Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 12:56 PM
Perhaps I decieve myself... but I rarely face a conundrum of the soul searching kind... Either a) I am sure of who I am and always ahve been... b) I'm too stupid to realize when I am in trouble... c) I am too shallow to look within... or d) decieving myself... I know this does not help with your problem, but it's my two cents worth


The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.

Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist



Posts: 50
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 01:56 PM
Always a difficult problem, LadyCyg... I think the secret is in reveling in the joys that the assurance brings, and reveling just as much in the opportuinity for change that uncertainty brings.
Good luck!


Being Passionate is the only way to survive



Posts: 598
Registered: 24/8/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 03:43 PM
People who get out and experience and learn never really know all there is to know about themselves. Getting to know who you are is an ongoing process that takes a life-time. There will always be new experiences, new perspectives to reveal something new inside yourself that you didn't know was there before. So much can change in just one moment that in the span of five minutes, you can say you aren't who you just were.
Think Alice in Wonderland when she is talking to the caterpillar and he asks her who she is. Alice says "I-I hardly know, sir, just at present-at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Life isn't static, and people who live are always evolving. Best advice I can offer, is just go with it. At the very least, it isn't boring.


Okay, dazzle me.



Posts: 459
Registered: 15/2/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 01:28 PM
Personally I try to go through life without being put into some ridiculous stereotype. If you're changing great, good riddance to reundancy. who wants to be stuck in place for the rest of there lives. I say good for you change equals growth. (sometimes) just keep moving forward.


Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 27/2/2004 at 04:27 AM
Sometiems I have to bite my lower lip to keep from screaming.

Here I am, locked into a job with no future. I don't even know where to go from here. All my life, I haev been pursuing goals. The only time I failed was when I put aside my dreams to marry for security. Now that I'm freeing myself again, I don't know which way to go.

I feel so utterly alone.

I'm afraid people will see me as a pathetic fool and judge me as such. What frightens me more is that thought that they may be right. I hate feeling like someone can see what a loser I am on the inside.

I can't belive it. I'm 24 years old, and I have no forseeable future. I have family, but none of my own. I have friends, but they're all busy with their own lives. Every time something good happens to me, something even worse follows right on its heels. It's as if I can't have anything good or pleasant in my life. I guess I don't deserve it.

But, somehjow, I don't think that's fair. A very tiny, soft-spoken part of me doesn't think that I'm a pathetic loser with nothing relavent to say. A very small, still voice tells me that I have a voice, and I have a story to share.

But what is it? Every coherent thought I have pops like a soap bubble. I've retained my sanity, but at what cost? To be comfortably numb for the rest of my life? To do nothing, share nothing, be nothing? Do I make a difference? If I were to die today, would anyone really give a shit? Who would listen to what I have to say? Does it really matter, in the end?

It's kind of hard to honestly admit that that's what I'm thinking about. I think the main problem I have is that I see no future for myself, that what I have done has not helped anyone, not even myself. I find it funny that people want to live longer than 100 years? What for? To be dependent on other people for the rest of one's life? To lay in a hospital bed, intubated, just waiting to pass another year? Why attempt for immortality, when the world is already so bitter and cruel? Who wants to witness that for time out of mind?

The differnece, I suppose, is this: do I whine about it, or do I do something about it?

I am going to try and search my soul until I find an answer I can live with,

My thanks to you all.


"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey



Posts: 459
Registered: 15/2/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 27/2/2004 at 07:17 PM
I'm sure that people that know you would freak if anything happened to you. I bet that you make more of a difference than you think and things will get better.......they always do. Things have a way of working themselves out and if not...you'll find a way. I'm sure the lady swan can think of something and is stronger than she thinks.


Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 29/2/2004 at 03:51 PM
Thanks, Zero...I'll try to keep that in mind.

Caveat: I am surly, disgruntled, lonely, and more than slightly intoxicated right now...not to mention nauseous and angry...

I am sick of being used. I get used for sex, money, food, and alcohol. What do I get in return? I get to pretend that somebody loves me, I guess. I guess my family loves me, but it's an obligation by faith.

I have come to the conculsion that I am ugly, stupid, and entirely unloveable...like Eeyore, only not as charming.

I think I need more alcohol.

I've been dead for years. MY body just hasn't caught on yet. Maybe I'm a golem. Maybe that explains a lot.

I guess what I was told when I was a kid still rings true: I'm worthless, and no one likes me anyway. God, I love stuff that festers. I've been in denial for so long. I should just accept the fact that I am the sum of what everyone seems to think of me: absofuckinglutely nothing.

So I wallow in self-pity like a pig in mud. Let me. No one else is going to have pity on me.

I am a dirty whore. The guy who comes over for my body tells me he's wanting to settle down with a "good girl." I remember when I was the good girl and my sister was the slut. I let them use me and use me. Why?

Maybe I want to see if I can still feel. Like the potential suicide that cuts himself just to see if he still bleeds. I can still feel the rawness from our time together. I still have his scent lingering on my body. I am not a good girl. I am old, worn out. I can make a man cum faster than the average whore, and I can get him erect again faster too.

Maybe I should move to Vegas. At least I'd get paid for letting a man use me.

I have nothing left. I think I've finally had everything taken from me. People take and take and take. I was wondering when there'd be nothing left.

There's no point in damning me--I'm already living hell on earth.

Maybe people do care, and I just can't feel it. Maybe I've beome the black hole, sucking up eneergy of those who care to the point where they can't care anymore.

Maybe it's time for the Final Solution.

I am so tired of everything. I can't love, and I can't feel love. Everything hurts so bad. I'm a defect. Every time I look at my fucking deformed feet. Every time I look in a mirror without my glasses and see my face as it truly is--a blurred defect.

I was always the defective daughter. I don't look blue-eyed apple peie and perfect. I'm fat and ugly and bitter. I'm sick of giving and giving because fat people are supposed to have excess and give and give to make up for being fucking fat. How the hell is that fair? THere's only one skinny person in my family. ONE. And now she's getting as fat as the rest of us too.

I was supposed to be the family winner. I went to college, got my degree. I proved them all wrong when I got married, and no they're all laughing now that I'm leaving him. He's a jerk. ANd now they're poking fun at me because I'm too poor to break my lease or get a home of my own.

Goody...my chest hurts now...I'm either going to cry or have a heart attack and finish the job.

Either way, it's all good.

I'd better quit now...I'm starting to act like Shmooth...but at least I have the decency to save my uncouth shmeng for the Karma-Free Zone.


"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey


Extreme Fanatic

Posts: 897
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 04:25 AM
Hey Lady C., you know, you're the farthest thing from Shmooth, so don't worry. You're coherent, intelligent, sweet, and in genuine pain. Hang in there girl, it's OK. Doesn't feel OK, but things aren't always what they feel. The most wonderful thing in life that I've experienced is giving birth, and that feels like shit, but if you hang on, you get a great kid at the end. And childbirth isn't the only birth around.

I think you may be in labor to bring forth something new in your life. If you don't give up, you will see what it is.

I hate to preach, but I HAVE experienced this, and this time I don't mean my daughter.

I'm 27 and where am I now? I'm a factory assembly worker with a baby. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment with 3 people sleeping in that room. I have 2 stepkids that I want to get custody for, but can't because I don't have room in my home. I got poor grades in school, never went to college, and disappointed my family by "leaving the faith" and "living in sin". I haven't done anything that was expected of me. I struggle to keep a healthy weight, and I know I may never have that perfect body the world expects of me. I don't have the time or money for nice haircuts or pretty clothes.

As for my love life, it's good now, but getting here was hell itself. I'm with the first guy I've ever been with, but the road has been rocky and damn near impossible. I did what they tell you not to - fall in love with someone with "potential". He had a nasty lying slut (and not in a good way) of a girlfriend and 2 kids. He couldn't figure out if he wanted out or wanted to fix it. I didn't have the common sense or the experience to see the danger. I ended up sending him back to her 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. It was obvious there was nothing for me until he came to the point where there was nothing for her. I spent my pregnancy alone, I lost my job, my car broke down, and I got kicked out of my home. I finally got my boyfriend back, when he finally got to the point that he had enough of the slut's games. We gave it a try for the sake of the child, and because we never really had a chance before.

But he lost his job too, so I gave birth while living with friends, and he lived in his truck. During the childbirth class, they went around the circle and everyone had to tell their jobs and where they lived and it was the most humiliating thing I've ever gone through.

3 weeks after I had my daughter, my friend's landlord kicked me out and we lived in a homeless shelter for 4 months. We both got jobs at a factory and finally got the apartment we're in now.

During that hell time, I could have written your post a hundred times. And by hell time, I mean my whole life, from violently insane father to uncaring mother to torturous school experiences to trying so hard to live up to the perfection expected by a semi-cultish church. To my failed love-life, pregnancy, and homelessness.

I've never been anyone that could be called a success on the surface. My world has straightened out and improved imensely of late, but even now it's not much by outside standards.

But who cares about them? What are you on the inside?

Lady Cygnet, I see worth in you. I see life. If you are like Eeyore, you have all his charm. That's the beauty of the internet, I don't see what you see in your mirror. Which I highly expect is not what I'd see if I saw you face to face.

These are the times that try to break you, and there are people who will do it too. Do what you have to to hang in there. You have strength that you don't know about. I did too.

Be angry - you have a right. But don't be angry at yourself. And don't worry about what the world considers success. Or even your family. If you survive, and your spirit remains unbroken, you have succeeded.

And by all means, go on a quest to find yourself. You're there, somewhere. And you're pretty incredible. You are beautiful, and intelligent. You're worth finding. Look for yourself. And have fun doing it.

Hang in there, girl. We're standing behind you.


"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"



Posts: 247
Registered: 19/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:09 AM
We all have points in our life where nothing seems right. I remember being in the position you are in now. I hated myself. I hated who I was and opened my arms to men to use me so I could feel like someone wanted me, if only for the time it took them to climb off and go steal my things. I put up with it because it was all I knew. I didn't know how to walk away.

I think you are at point right now where the world is telling you that it is time to do something about your life for you. I got to the point and it isn't easy. I didn't date for a long time and concentrated on making something of my life.

I used to be short and petite. I was a stripper for 4 years and made good money at it. Then the weight started coming on and now I'm short and chubby with an hourglass figure, large breasts, big stomach and huge hips. Flab flab flab. But you know what? I can still look at myself in the mirror and smile. I know who I am now because I took the time to figure it out. It hurt and it was REALLY fucking lonely. I worked hard not to let anyone in my bed or my love life until I was sure of myself. I had to do it for me and for my daughter who was hurting from watching me hurt.

Now I have two wonderful boyfriends who both care for me greatly. One is married and his wife and I get along great. And her boyfriend is a cuttie! They have a kid near my daughter's age so spending time with them is easier. My other boyfriend comes over and makes my daughter and I dinner, gives me back rubs and we have great sex.

I know who I am now but it is hard getting there. I cried, I cut myself, I screamed and yelled, I ran off people in my life that loved me and was amazed that they came back when I finally got myself together.

Don't let people use you. It sounds like it is time in your life for a major house/life cleaning. Unfortunately, when those times come it is the hardest point in your life to actually do it.

Things will get better. Take some you time. Go to someplace you love with a good book and a sandwich. Someplace you can relax and either be alone or lost in a crowd.



Posts: 459
Registered: 15/2/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:19 AM
DUDE...what are u guys talking about. I love a girl with curves.
Gimme a nice round ass anytime.

*starts singing* "I like big butts and I cannot lie...."



Posts: 247
Registered: 19/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:34 AM
DUDE...what are u guys talking about. I love a girl with curves.
Gimme a nice round ass anytime.

*starts singing* "I like big butts and I cannot lie...."

That song makes me think of the movie Shrek with the dragon swinging it's butt back and forth as donkey sings



Posts: 247
Registered: 19/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:42 AM
Let me tell you alittle story and see if this helps.

I used to live in a flop house so to speak. Three bedroom apartment with 8 people living there. Everyone would eat my food and borrow my things permanently. I was dating a drunk and my lovely daughter was living with my mother because I couldn't take care of me, let alone her.

Then one day I got to the point you are at right now (from the sound of it) and I just got sick of it. I gave away all of my stuff, got a ticket and flew 2200 miles to a state I only knew one person in.

I now have a 2 bedroom apartment in a nice part of town. My daughter lives with me. I have a house full of stuff that nobody has stollen. I have good friends who I love to be around that never take or steal from me. We give to each other as we can. I went from giving giving giving while never receiving to giving and receiving to MYSELF!

It was hard as hell but the minute I got off the flight I felt better about myself. I had done something really scary to make my life better. I had left behind everything that made me hate myself and my life and built a new one that is now DRASTICALLY better. It wasn't easy but it was very worth it.

I'm not saying you should do what I did but I do suggest you make some major changes to disappear from the lives of those who hurt or use you. My family always told me I was worthless and so did my friends. Now my family is proud of me and my friends are caring and love me. Life is good now and I'm happy with who I am.

Maybe this will help and maybe it won't.



Posts: 459
Registered: 15/2/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:44 AM
Dude....that shrek thing is pretty funny Rayce *lol*

Swan: I just saw your post in attention whoring and I just gotta say that anyone that rost someone like that is definately strong enough to take back her life..It'll take time but it'l' happen just like Rayce said.

[Edited on 1/3/2004 by Zero]



Posts: 149
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 12:05 PM
I don't usually dole out advice, but I think this is kind of representative of my life philosophy. So, you've established that you're not happy with yourself, or your life situation. That alone is a major step. The next logical thing to do is to figure out what you want.

Not what your ex wants.
Not what your family wants.
Not what society/evil clowns/anyone else wants.

Look at your friends, or people you respect. Why do you respect them? Make a list of all the traits you'd like to see in yourself that you don't see right now. Make another list of things you'd like to experience or accomplish in the next month...next year...next 5 years. Put the lists somewhere special. From there on it is a matter of breaking down each goal. For example, if you hate your job you may have to first meet smaller goals (like going to school) to get to one you donít hate. Deal with each obstacle as you have to. Learn from your past mistakes instead of regretting them, but take enough risks that you leave open the possibility for future mistakes. It's kind of like a road trip...your car will break down, you'll run out of money at some point, and when you get where you're going you may well be disappointed. But, the trip itself becomes its own experience, and the "real" goal is to have a good time doing it.

If you don't know what you need to be happy, you may very well never get it. I hope that makes a little sense?


Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you.



Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 12:51 PM
Whew...I had no idea I could be that coherent when I'm drunk. *snicker*

I guess alcohol is like sodium penethol for me. The ugly truth comes out. I'm not really that bad off...it just gets worse when I'm drunk and angry. I was in an abusive marriage (though not abusive in the traditional sense), I had an abusive (in every sense one can imagine) childhood, and I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my shattered life.

I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I will take it to heart. Even yours, incognito, but you might want to work opn your people skills a bit. I still got the gist of what you meant, even if it was rather unkindly put. I had it coming.

I apologize for whining, but it's the Karma-Free Zone, so I don't see where i need to apologize. I was at a dangerous point when I wrote that, but I just kind of collapsed into a little ball and cried for a bit, then all was well.

I think I'm going to swear off alcohol for a while, though. I haven't cried in weeks, and it just brought it on.

Anyway, in my own defense, I AM doing something about my situation. But it takes TIME and MONEY, of which I have very little, at the moment. My living situation isn't what I dremaed of, but it's a lot better than the squallid shack I lived in as a child with 5 other people and scores of vermin, not to mention very little food and a shitload of violence.

I was sick, tired, depressed, lonely, and whatnot. I'm going to see about getting on a stronger med, staying away from the booze, and getting in with a counselor of some sort to see what it is that's eating me.

Most of what I write in this area is me slapping something out that's bothering me, and seeing if anyone else can relate or has been where I am. I'm not trying to whine or be a pain. I'm just trying to understand what's going on inside of me...what makes me the way I am.

I apologize if it offends anyone.

I really do appreciate the advice and input, though. It's nice to know that other people have been strong enough to overcome self-made hells and become insanely cool people. *grin*

Again, thanks.

I'd better scoot.


"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey



Posts: 247
Registered: 19/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 01:10 PM
Don't apologize! As you said dear, it is the Karma-Free Zone so there is no reason to apologize. I believe this is what Devin refers to TweekyTime and everyone has it. Glad you are feeling better



Posts: 598
Registered: 24/8/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 01:15 PM
That's the beauty of the karma free zone. Sometimes you need to whine, and bitch, and moan, and wallow. It's good to purge.
You're a strong person, and no matter what your mirror tells you, you're awesomely beautiful. Don't believe the mirror. Those damn things aren't objective at all. Stupid reflective bastards.
Just keep living your life the way you feel is right. Don't worry about what "proper" society says. If I listened to that line of tripe, I wouldn't be the chipper person I am today. *hugs* I have no doubt that you'll pull yourself up out of the mire and muck.


Okay, dazzle me.



Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/3/2004 at 11:10 PM
Rayce: Danke schoen for bringing up tweekytime. I agree that that's what I'm hitting. It feels kind of like puberty all over again, but with better company.

Merry Widow, you know you rock the casbah. You too Rayce, Zero, Kira, and everyone else who had some bit of wisdom to share.

My one regret is that incognito felt obligated to wear a mask to share a bit of truth. It does no good to whine unless one intends to do something about it.

Actually, when I wrote that, I was on the verge of ending my life. But my life's not mine to end, and i have no desire to make the people who told me I was nothing happy.

So, again, thanks for the wisdom and insights. And thanks again to Devin, for creating a place where we can fling out the shmeng and be healed. I love the Karma-Free Zone.


"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey


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