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Author: Subject: Dilemmas, dilemmas.

Extreme Fanatic





Posts: 656
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 09:03 AM
*sigh*...Where to start.


There's a guy I like, despite my picky tastes. He and I have known eachother for nearly two years, but he's in the Army so he only gets to talk to me on the phone every now and then. He does plan to stop by Orange County before he heads to Washington to finish his training. I've brought up the possibility of us being together, despite the military. He says that it's going to be tough, but not impossible...

One other reason, apart from the military, is our religions. In psychology class, they suggest that you have a less chance of working out if you have a different religion. He's a Christian (though not dogmatic, still one) and I've been a practising Pagan for almost a year now. We talked fairly deep about it. He said he'd personally find it weird for I'd not be going to church with him and would not be practising the same faith. As for myself, I really do not care about one's faith for it's between them and <insert Supreme Being here>. Again, he said it was not impossible, but I have a feeling that I'll be going through some fire and brimstone if I do try to make it work out...when the time comes.

Come to think of it, I'm afraid of a several things:

1) He might get too religious and start quoting Biblical lines to make me feel bad about being a Pagan (he's never done this, but I'm pessimistic, heh).

2) His family might not accept me because of my religion.

3) That I'll make him feel very uncomfortable.

This stuff hasn't happened, but I think I have every right to worry. I just don't want to get burnt again like I have been many times. I now want to prepare for the worse, though hope for the best. Are there any Christians or Pagans [ who are married to a Christian] that have any ideas to prepare for the situations above? I could do what I normally do with people like him and outright play Devil's Advocate on him, but I want to try some more diplomatic solutions before-hand if this situation rises.

Any input, whether positive or negative, is appreciated.


[Edited on 2/9/2004 by Anya]

 
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Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 09:10 AM
always risk it... mate is one of the few things worth fighting for...
if he quotes... tell him to chill...
if his parents quote... tell them to back off...
if he's uncomfortable... he's not the one

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.

Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Fanatic




Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 09:51 AM
I'm with Feral on this, Anya. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Anyway, if he hasn't started quoting the Bible in your general direction yet, chances are, unless he gets brainwashed by some fundamentalist whack job, it's not going to happen. He might use biblical quotes in everyday life, though. I have, and I don't do it to piss people off--the quote just seems apropos for the occasion, like Shakespeare or Plato or Maya Angelou.

As for his parents, well...it's been my personal experience that they usually mean well, but have a hard time showing it. If his family cannot accept that you believe in a different way, that's their problem, not yours. If they can't respect your beliefs, then that's their loss. They have the right to believe what they will, and so do you.

No matter what, the relationship is moving in a certain direction, and it would be hard to change it back to what it was before. You have nothing to lose by seeing where this relationship could go.

Good luck, hon!

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 656
Registered: 31/12/1969
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  posted on 9/2/2004 at 11:12 PM
Well, since I'm a stubborn bastard, I'm going to try VERY hard to make it work out when the time comes. I wont be bent over and on my knees for him, but I'll try to make it work out in anyway I can. So you guys can count on me following that advice and I thank you for giving it to me.

Anything else people can come up with to prepare me for this situation?


Blessings,
Anya

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 10/2/2004 at 12:44 AM
I have no relationship advice... I... am... a social retard

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.



Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Member




Posts: 76
Registered: 23/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 03:48 AM
Paganism has nothing to do with satanism. You should be fine.
Though Im sure you are the devil.

Anyways..

If you really feel Paganism is "you".. Then he should have no problem with reading a book about Paganism. A book of your choice.
Though I wouldnt make it a long book.. since he is in the army .. and I guess he has shit to do, and doesnt want to spend all of his little spare time reading paganism.

He'll either see you in it, and like it (I dont mean he'll necessarily like the concrete beliefs, but he'll like the outcome of the knowledge) , just like he likes you.
Or .. He'll call you a satanist and run away.

If yall ever have children , there shouldnt be any problems providing yall have it all broken down.
I mean, it's not like he's religious and you're an atheist.

So it's cool.. As long as his beliefs dont keep him from satistfying you in any way, or some crap like that. :-)

 

____________________
Jameel

 

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Registered: 31/12/1969
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  posted on 20/2/2004 at 08:11 AM
hm that is a funny thing to say "I mean, it's not like he's religious and you're an atheist."

I think conter-religions tend to cause way more issues than believer and thinker. an atheist my think it silly or even stupid to baptist a child, (or think it makes a good excuse for a party), while someone of a different faith may take it alot worse (what do you mean you are sacrificing the soul of MY child to your god?!?! I want a divorce you damned christian!) At least in my life I have seen less tention in atheist/Christian relationships that i have in pagan/Christian pairings.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires away.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 459
Registered: 15/2/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 10:34 AM
If I were you, I would try to avoid religious conversations with his family. The last thing you want is everyone ganging up on you. Then agian you might be able to find out who he really is and what he really thinks about it, when you and he are around his family. If he can change his mind about you at the drop of a hat then something is very wrong all ready. If the guy really likes you he'll stand up for you.

thats what i think anyway

 

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Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 10:54 AM
Hey, not all families who practice Christianity are all "fire and brimstone." My mom is one of the most wonderful Christians out there because she accepts people for whop they are, doesn't force God on them, and respects their beliefs. Not every Christian bombs abortion buildings or lectures pagans. I'm a Christian myself (non-traditional, albeit), and my best friend is an agnostic. Most of my friends are pagans or athiests. We get along because we respect each other's beliefs.

Anyway, the best thing I could suggest to do is to prepare for the worst (come up with a "worst case scenario" plan) and hope for the best. WHo knows? You could be pleasantly surpirsed by the relationship.

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 759
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 11:00 AM
it just struck me that this might be Anya's training marriage and if that is the case, then the worse of a match the better. that way she learns the most in the shortest period of time.
argue religion with his parents, make him go to a paganfest, refuse to listen when he quotes bibble stuff at you (it will happen as there is some good love poetry in there somewhere), refuse to read the stuff he reads, listen to the stuff he listens to, or watch the stuff he watches.

Or better yet, try to fit into his world and see what misery really is. You have a brain and you know that this is a temperary love at best, and probably just a chance to get out of the house in a way your parents wont try to block. So do what works for you, but understand that he wont forgive you.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.

 

Member




Posts: 199
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 11:05 AM
It helps too that you are open-minded and do not totally reject the tenets of Christianity. Most people I know are Christian by default, and think that you are just "supposed to" be Christian and watch American football and NASCAR and all the rest. These people won't give you much grief usually, it's the fundamentalists that are annoying or dangerous. Fundamentalist anything, actually, because they stop taking reality into consideration when passing judgment on others. But I digress.

This strikes me as one of those times you have to just go with your heart. Pursue the relationship if it feels right, and kick him to the kerb if it doesn't, but the religion thing shouldn't enter into it. A truly good person will not hassle you over a deity or two.

 

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Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 11:14 AM
Yah, and with any luck you'll only need one training marriage. I needed two, and I think I am still being trained.
 

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Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 12:10 PM
Hey, I was the same faith as my training husband, and it still didn't work out.

Anya's not said anything about marriage, just love. If it's real love, it'll find a way. It seems that love always does.

In the meantime, no one's going to fault you for making mistakes in love, unless they're closed-minded...in which case, they aren't worth the time to try and justify your previous decisions. Ultimately, your decisions are yours to make. You have nothing to lose by following your heart, it would seem.

Life's a continuous learning process. We can do no less than enjoy it.

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Extreme Fanatic




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Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 12:28 PM
Love...is not just a feeling... but true love is a decision... one must ask ones self... when it is true love... when is enough. enough? any answer but never means it's time to move on... otherwise... you choose to make it work... both of you...

Feral

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.





Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 759
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 03:16 PM
she may not have said marriage but her words hinted at it, that and his faith and the way it was presented. I for one credit living together as a training marriage for some people. its not as bad as a real one, but you still learn alot of the same lessons, and not everyone is in need of the serious lessons that you learn in a legal marriage. some people dont even NEED to learn those lessons.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires />
away.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/2/2004 at 09:27 PM
I was always allowed religious freedom by my parents. I gotta give them credit on that one. However, my first marriage was to a Catholic (who claimed not to be practicing, but he was) who referred to me openly as a devil-worshipper. I'd exposed myself to a variety of religions to help to decide if I should incorporate any of it into my very much pagan spirituality. I did get baptized as a Catholic a few months before the first marriage, because I had figured my "training" marriage was going to be to a Catholic. I was told that anything of magickal nature was evil, even though his family was all into the "evil eye and how to get rid of way" way of thinking. I was forbidden to openly voice my views and it was a ridiculous load of crap. He did get the marriage annulled through the Catholic church. Apparently with no problem as I of course didn't protest it, since I was the one who filed for the divorce.

It was quite by coincidence or fate or whatever you'd like to call it, that my husband is a pagan, who was also allowed religious freedom by his parents. Who by coincidence had gotten baptized as an adult cuz his wife from his "training" marriage wanted him to be a Lutheran. We even for kicks (cuz it wasn't for anything else) joined this church in town cuz I got curious about Lutherans since it was one of the few religions I hadn't investigated yet, and it was quaint to learn the religion. The best way to expose oneself to learning is by trying out something first hand like that. Otherwise you don't get to see what their really about. I discovered that while they weren't as radical as the Southern Baptist church I'd checked out as a kid, they were quite in the dark as far as evolution and science goes. When we ran from them (which was planned from the start, as we were only checking them out for research...I believe I even said that to them from the start), they really got a bug up their butts about it. Some of the people would come around my work and bug me, and then they finally got over it and started being nice again.

Sorry about that tangent there.

Anyways, in my own experiences, I'd have to say similar religions or lack of religions in a relationship are more compatible. I've got a nephew who converted religions, cuz he really wasn't worried about it, to his fiance's religion and has always been happy. So it may really depend more on if one person is seriously practicing a religion or is just going through the motions. If one person is willing or interested in the other person's religion, then it is easier to get along as a couple, than if the people are dead-set in their beliefs. If both people have very serious beliefs that are very different from each other, then heads will constantly butt over it.

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ~Mae West


 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 656
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  posted on 21/2/2004 at 10:35 AM
I was baptised and raised a Catholic, but then I kind of drifted away from religion, tried to make it work out again, then found a better place in my Pagan path. All the Christian friends I have and I get along fairly well for I'm not out trying to kill them with their own Bible or anything...though I do express how I feel about it, I always try to see it from their point of view when speaking to them. It is probably easy for me because I used to be part of their religion. That and even though my religion is not the same as their's, I do not see their religion as wrong in anyway, just not the path for me.

Callei's right about the atheist and Christian marriage, though. I seen more atheists and agnostics do okay with Christians for there's not really any "supernatural" things to argue about. Then again, I think it's all based on how much space one is willing to give another...but according to my psychology teacher, finances, religion, and other things have to work out and everything else "falls into place." I'm going to consider and take the advice I'm given and push to see how I can work it all out. In some ways we're opposite (including religion, him being more optimistic and me more cynical, etc) but at the same time, we get along very damn well...so I really hope we can work things out.

I've talked to a few other Pagans who dated Christians before and they said that religion wasn't the problem...mentioned finances as well as other issues being the problem, so that leaves a little hope as well. Heh. I'll still check this thread for more experiences and advice in the future. In the mean time, though, I have to get an American Government project out of the way.

My thanks and blessings to all,
Anya


 
 


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