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Author: Subject: Frustration

Extreme Fanatic





Posts: 648
Registered: 24/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/2/2004 at 11:54 AM
A few months ago my entire family found out I am bisexual, so I just decided to come out of the closet and let anyone who asked know that I am bi. Well, more people know now, but I am having a frustrating time with getting the hook up when I go to the local gay coffee shop. Gay boys, lesbians, and bisexuals all hang out there as well as some straight people too. I have been there multiple times, but I have never been hit on and I don't know if the people know or can figure out or even think I like girls too.
I don't really know how to act or what to say that will make them know that I do have an interest without hitting on everybody which I am still too shy to do. I am still shy, I don't have a lot of courage, and I am still like a little school girl who doesn't know what to do when she sees someone she likes. What I really want and need to know is how to passively let them know that it is okay to hit on me. I am not going to chop off my hair or try to look like a dyke because that really isn't me. I look like your average straight girl with long blonde hair. I don't wear shirts that say things like "I can't even think straight" although I do have a shirt that says "No I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would be mad if she heard me say that". So, if anyone has any advice, please let me know what it is. Thank you.

 

____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell

 
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Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 6/2/2004 at 12:07 PM
Damm this is a good question. I wish more people would use the forums for stuff like this instead of posting mindless quiz results.

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/2/2004 at 12:09 PM
same way you express interest in anyone else... just talk to them...
Feral

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.

Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Member




Posts: 149
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/2/2004 at 12:51 PM
I had this same problem for a long time, and sometimes still do. I've never had difficulty with talking to or picking up guys. But occasionally I still get all stupid and inept when dealing with a female. I don't know why.

Feral is right. You can't really just go somewhere and sit down and expect people (of either sex) to flock to you. Despite logic I think this is especially true for very attractive people, because of the intimidation/rejection factor involved with approaching an attractive person. Plus we tend to be very isolated socially here, and for some reason just striking up a conversation with a stranger is intrusive or a taboo or something.

Establish eye contact with someone you want to approach. If they look/smile back then you should feel like you can approach them. Be friendly, and start a conversation and go from there. If it seems like they are bothered by you, then leave.

I can't help ya on the whole shyness thing, except to say that the worst someone can say is no. Everybody gets rejected at some point, and it really isn't the end of the world.

 

____________________
Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you.

 

Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 6/2/2004 at 04:14 PM
I have an ex that had this problem. She looked a bit like you actually. Everyone just assumed she was straight. She would try to talk to girls but she looked so straight that she could never really convey to them that she wasn't.

Just talking to girls won't work if you don't know what to say. You'll learn what to say eventually - but I'm assuming since you said you were looking for passive ways to let them know - you want something right now that will let THEM know it's ok to flirt with YOU.

Just telling girls they're hot or complimenting them won't usually work, because they'd think you were trying to butter them up to manipulate them. That's a standard straight girl game, and by the time someone figures out that you're not playing it, they'll be defensive and not wanting to flirt with you.

Eye contact can get you into trouble if you look that hetorosexual. People may take it as cattyness, or agression. I guess it's not like that so much on the continent, but in Hawaii, people will beat up a white girl for looking at them that way.

What I would suggest is: Be a letch. Yep, leer at girls, make it obvious, even over the top a little. The trick is, don't persue the ones you letch at. If you see someone hot - don't just peek at them out of the corner of your eye. Turn to whoever you're there with and say "Dammm look at HER". Even if nobody else sees you do it, the attitude and the vibe will show, and people will catch on.

If a girl walks by with a nice ass, don't just notice it - turn around and look at it (this works especially well in coffee shops when you're sitting) - point it out to your friends. You are friendly and fun enough that people should take it as a compliment if they notice you doing it to them - and since you're not hitting on them or chasing them, it shouldn't come off as slimey.

You can also use your friends by flirting with them. Even if they're straight or not into you - and even if you're not into them, you can still be flirtatious with them to a point. They're safe for that, and they'll probably enjoy being flirted with to some degree - as long as you know what their limit is and you keep it fun. Not only is this good practice, it makes it clear to people around you that flirting with you is ok.

Since you look like a straight girl, you do have to put a little more effort into making it obvious that you like girls. Even talking might not be enough. I know when I first meet someone, I don't really believe anything they say until I see it. You pretty much have to show them. Just have fun with it. If you're having fun in a non-malicious way, it will be fun for them too.

If you're just looking and leering, you don't have to worry about rejection, so it doesn't really matter if people know you find them attractive. Usually the reason people don't let other people know they're attracted is because they're afraid of rejection. If you don't get that close, you won't get rejected. It doesn't take much energy, so you can do it with a lot of people, so you can let a whole room full of people know which way you swing without risking much.

As far as being too shy to talk to them - if you think one specific person is cute, all you really have to say is "hi". If they don't talk to you right away they might later. It makes you seem more open and approachable. Don't stress about talking to them if you're too shy. Just say hi, be approachable, and be obvious about checking out girls. You'll get flirted with.

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 759
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/2/2004 at 11:53 AM
one of the hardest parts is to stop acting straight, at least when you are somewhere with cute people of the same sex/gender that you want to kiss. you can also try things like asking them for something on thier table (sugar, salt, thier boobs, whatever) as a way to open conversation, or at least draw thier attention to you.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires away.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 470
Registered: 23/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/2/2004 at 10:53 PM
If you want to pick up girls, and get hit on, and you want to do it in a passive way withouth having to shout out, "Yo baby, you need some fries with that shake?" you might want to try this.

Order your favorite drink and sit in a place with high eyeball traffic. You want to be seen. You don't neccesarily need to be heard, but being seen and available is important.

Then take out of your bag one of the following magazines and proceed to read. These are all very fun, and they will certianly promote a message of, I'm here, I'm not straight, and I would love to see you naked sometime.

Out (somewhat pop culture, and boy intesive, but interesting and semi-informative).
The Advocate (expensive, very informative, and very interesting. Political and tends to favor boys)
Girlfriends (Fun, kinda like a gay cosmo, not much content but more like brain candy)
Curve (A bit more political, but similiar vain as GF)
Bust (Fun, kinky, quirky girl power type feminist, lesbi, straight girl mag)
Bitch (Fun, Kinky, Hard Assed, feminist, lesbi, straight girl mag)
Maxim (Fun, Kinky, Men's mag, with very nice photos)
Playboy (The photography and the girls are kinda cookie cutter, but your just reading it for the articles)
On Our Backs (very cool Lesbian porn. Kinkier than playboy, and much more interesting read.)

If you are not the magazine type you can also bring a nice book to enjoy. I'd reccomend,

Anything by:
Poppy Z. Bright
Anais Nin
Sappho
Lisa Palac
Henry Miller
Simone DeBeauvoir
Audre Lord
Anything by Olympia Press
Anything by Cleis Press

Or, you might want to check these titles, which will be both interesting, informative, fun, and if you don't meet someone nice at the coffee shop, you certainly won't lack for some mastabatory fantasy material:

Awakening the Virgin
Skin Deep: Real Life Lesbian Sex Stories
Any Herotica Anthology
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out
Pomosexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality
Inanna: Queen of Heaven and Earth
HotHead Piasan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist
Dykes to Watch Out For: Any of the collections

If you go everyday and chill, someone is bound to catch on. One thing about girls is they tend to be quick on the uptake. And, although Devin definately had some very good advice, as a long-term dyke myself I might reccomend against it.

The reasons for this are pretty simple, the more out and about you are, the more it seems like your just a tourist, a lug, as it were (Lesbian Until Graduation) and less like a really secure girl looking for a date. While it will definately announce your sexuality to anyone within decible range, it will probably turn a few girls away. But, anything is a worth a shot, do what your the most comfortable with.

The final bit of advice I would have is be confident. I wish I could take credit for this little coan of wisdom, but I can. However, a very near and dear friend always tells me "There is nothing sexier than confidence." Being shy doesn't mean you can't be confident, so try that and watch the girls line up.

 

____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 759
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 8/2/2004 at 07:32 AM
Seriously good point there about lug-ness Dom. I wish i had said that. that whole "look at me, i like gilrs!" thing can seriously turn away the dykes.

But then she also has to ask herself, does she really want to date a dyke, or rather to date a bi sexual. there are some VERY big differences in the relationship.
Lots of dykes will walk off as soon as she says "im b" anyways.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.

 

Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 8/2/2004 at 08:17 AM
*giggling about LUG's*

My friends and I used to talk about BUG's often, but being a boy, i never really had a reason to talk about LUG's - so never heard the term.

This all brings up a good point. I think both my approach and Domkitten's approach are good ones, but either one will make some people rule you out. Callei is right that you need to decide what kind of girls you're looking to attract - but even more than that, you need to decide what you're looking for. Do you want to just get flirted with at the coffee shop? Do you want girls to ask you on dates? Do you want a girlfriend?

Be honest with yourself about your answers. I think part of your problem is that you're not sure what you want, and it shows. If you just want to be flirted with, you need to make yourself look safe and fun to flirt with. If you want a girlfriend, you need to make yourself look like good girlfriend material. Either way, you need to know first what you want because whichever it is, you're going to be turning away girls who are looking for the other.

The same goes for what kind of girls you're looking for. Not just whether you want a lesbian or bi girl - do you want femme or butch girls? Domme or submissive? Exclusive or poly (if you're looking for a girlfriend). The things that are going to be attractive to each type are different. You not only have to show that you like girls, but that you like girls like them.

Part of confidence is in knowing what you want. I think that's the part that's going to show if you're still acting shy otherwise

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Member




Posts: 149
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 8/2/2004 at 04:03 PM
I think if you're really, really trying to remain passive then DK's suggestion is the best so far. Books/magazines let people know what you're interested in (or in this case *who* you're interested in), and gives them an excuse to strike up a conversation.

Otherwise, have you thought about joining any gay/lesbian/bi social or awareness groups? They can be a good way to network and meet people, without doing the whole bar/coffeehouse/club thing.

"Eye contact can get you into trouble if you look that hetorosexual. People may take it as cattyness, or agression. I guess it's not like that so much on the continent, but in Hawaii, people will beat up a white girl for looking at them that way."

I'm a little confused by this. I've looked various ways all my life, and have never, ever had someone threaten to beat me up for smiling and making eye contact with them. This includes places that I arguably had no business being in at the time. And you said people, so I'm assuming both men and women would do this? Care to elaborate?

 

____________________
Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 12:28 AM
I think everyone has wonderful advice for you, MRD. Becoming active in a good cause is probably my favorite idea for meeting people thus far.

My piece of advice, though, would be this: go out to have fun, not to "hook up." If you go out without having a goal of "picking up" someone, you're more likely to enjoy yourself and less likely to be disappointed by closing time. (I don't see how you'd end up by yourself at closing time, as you're quite lovely, but that's just my opinion.)

Have fun, and be patient. You can get whatever you truly desire, if you set your mind to it. Just remember to have fun with it.

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 05:20 PM
And you said people, so I'm assuming both men and women would do this? Care to elaborate?

I guess it's just a Hawaii thing then. Sustained eye contact there, with people you don't know is a sign of agression (especially if one party is Hawaiian and one party is blonde and white). It doesn't matter how you intend the look, if they decide they don't like you, then you're doing it. It's called "Stink Eye" - and it's about as smart as going to Puerto Rico and insulting people's mothers - or walking unarmed through compton yelling "niggers!"

This article has a little background on why...
http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file =article&sid=479

I figured since MRD is planning on spending some time in Hawaii, it would be a prudent thing to mention.

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Fanatic




Posts: 246
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 05:42 PM
Use hanky code, for girls wear a red scarf on your right hand side... for guys wear a read hand scarf on your right side... :snicker: and let me know what happens... :snicker:

 

____________________
When the world is over, will we wonder how it began?

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 656
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2004 at 11:20 PM
I was talking to my mom on the phone about this since I'm yet to come across this situation too and she wanted to give some input...

Like people said in this forum, do stand out...and you don't have to by speaking. She also thinks that smiling and appearing confident is a good thing in general. Though she isn't a lesbian or bi-sexual herself, she believes that those things are the typical thing to do with everyone, despite gender. I mean don't make it like you're TRYING to be noticed, but do make yourself noticable...if that makes any sense.

I think another way to go at it is using a bit of grace, as well. You have class, passively use it to your advantage. I think you're a really attractive girl and I think that you could make any sane person fall for you if you give them any of your intellect.


Blessings,
Anya

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 10/2/2004 at 12:43 AM
I say eat the centerpiece... that is a conversation starter

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.



Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Fanatic




Posts: 247
Registered: 19/1/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 26/2/2004 at 01:07 PM
You know. I have the exact same problem with men or woman. I am bi and while I can usually get together the courage to let a friend I like know that I like them once.. I always feel like an ass from that point on flirting again. I like to flirt in general but when I get a good crush going I clam up and don't flirt. I'm trying to stop doing that.

When I go out looking for a girl to meet I always clam up. It is so much harder for me to flirt with woman and I'm so much more picky about the ladies I like then the men. And considering I'm pretty picky about the men this means I have not dated a girl in 4 years.

I wish you luck in getting to know everyone. It is hard to get your face known in the scene at first.

 
 


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