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Author: Subject: New Category!

Fanatic





Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 12:24 AM
Thank you to the Power-That-Is for creating a specific space for us to spout off without endangering Karma.

That being said, wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo... *does the fratboyesque streak again*

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 
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Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 03:45 AM
Yep - figured this needed to be it's own section

Go to town

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Fanatic




Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 05:22 AM
Thanks, Devin...you really do rock, and, since Karma doesn't apply here, I'm not saying that to kiss your ass.

That being said...might as well break it in like a newly deflowered virgin...

*Irrelavent personal shit here...you were warned*

Thursday morning, I got a frantic call from my sister. My Aunt Donna, who has severe Cerebral Palsy, fell and broke her leg so severely that they had to do surgery on her yesterday. The doctors did not expect her to survive, due to her degree of CP and the fact that some members of her family (including my mother), cannot be intubated. She also signed a DNR, so, if something happened, that was it. Since my grandmother died in July 1999, my aunt has been ready to join her. What is hard is that Aunt Donna did what little she could to protect my siblings and me when we were young. Aunt Donna's speech may not have been clear, but she was outspoken about a lot of things.

At the moment, I am still awake, playing the waiting game. I'm posting because I'm upset, and this is, in fact, the Karma Free Zone. My roommate wanted to turn off his computer and have me use my dial-up, but, one very tearful, angry argument later, he agreed that we should leave the phone line open, just in case the call, one way or the other, should come.

As if the prospect of Donna dying isn't bad enough, my birthday happens to be this monday. I had a feeling someone close to me was close to the end; I hope I'm completely wrong.

Call it a persecution complex, but I feel as though my life has been one long punishment. I was born to a family who couldn't afford me and didn't really want me, but they loved me anyway, in their fashion. After being violated and beaten by the people I should have been able to trust the most, I thought I'd get some respite from torment with the divorce; unfortunately, my sister took it upon herself to take over for what I had previously experienced, in every sense of the word. I thought perhaps I would get relief when she had a baby; she wasn't ready, so I became the closest thing to a mother, though my cooperation did not come until after I had lost some hair and had been slapped around quite a bit. My parents didn't seem to notice; they found out from third parties about my suicide attempts.

When it came time for me to go to college, I thought it would, at last, give me a new hope for the future. Indeed, I met the man who would be the love of my life...he didn't love me romantically, but he showed me that unconditional love could come from anyone. I lost my paternal grandmother that year. The next year, I broke my vow of chastity to lose my virginity to someone who had previously slept with my sister. My sister convinced me that I needed to "get over" wanting to save myself, and I let him do it because I didn't want him to leave. He left anyway. Two weeks later, my maternal grandmother (with whom I was fairly close...and still held in high regard, before I found out the things she had inadvertantly sanctioned) died, at the relatively young age of 66, of a massive heart attack. Every year that I was in college, I lost another relative.

I thought, maybe if I just end it here and get married, this will stop. So I married a guy who I thought, at the time, would be good for me. I had nothing else going for me, and I needed to escape from the place where I was living (I was actually afraid for my life there), so I married him and moved out here. I had a good job that I could do well...I thought I had everything going well, for once. Then I had a miscarriage (aka chunky grey clot period) in November 2002, and my 21 year old cousin died of a massive heart attack in March 2003. He and I were childhood playmates. Then, even worse stuff started happening between me and my ex. He did things to me that I thought I left behind in childhood. I thought I would kill him, or he would kill me, or I would kill myself. So, I asked for a divorce. And now, here we are.

Amongst all of this, I came to realize that some things just don't matter so much anymore. What I have to say apparently doesn't have any merit, so I suppose I should remain silent. Unfortunately, that same force that compelled me to sing now compels me to write.

It would be so easy to end it here and now. I have the tools...drugs...weapons...I could take care of things nicely.

But I'm not about to do the world or whatever else wants me to end this piece of unrefined shit I happen to call my life any favors. I'm here, and I won't be silent. I can't.

Right now, I am really pissed at whatever powers that be. I wonder what I could have done at any point to deserve this life. I may act self-centered, but I have done a few good things in my life...probably not nearly as many as I should, but, damn it all, I have tried. I have done my best to support and encourage people, I have held them when the cry, I have done my utmost to make them laugh, and I have tried to do what I can to help.

I have been robbed, raped, beaten, starved, been diagnosed with something that will be with me for the rest of my fucking life, lost what I loved, had my faith shattered, had my trust broken, been called everything under the sun, been hated, been rejected, been told that what I feel is not valid, been treated as if I don't matter...

What more can you do to me? WHAT THE FUCK MORE CAN YOU DO TO ME?!?!?

I don't know that I'm afraid anymore...just waiting for the next pile of shit to land on me...I can handle anything that's flung at me, because it doesn't really matter anymore...I have experienced enough to know I can survive the next flinging of shit...

At this point, I need to be the stoic anchor for my family...I'll save my own pain for a time when I can be alone...

Bring it on...

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 759
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 06:33 AM
i dont know you, or your situstion, or why you put yourself in the way of these things, but i still feel the need to say...
fuck your family. Run do not walk, to just about anywhere else, where you have a chance to learn to love yourself.

 

____________________
Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires away.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 02:24 PM
Callei, a lot of this stuff is in the past. I've forgiven everyone but myself for the past. I've also cut out the people that I have forgiven, but can't be around.

But, like I said, the reason I stay is simple: what more can they do to me?

It's the same reason I tend to speak my mind here; the worst that can happen is considerably less than what I've already been through. There's nothing left to lose by speaking what is on my mind.

I try to keep it funny, though.

As it now stands, I'm still too self-centered. *sigh* I'm just glad I'm not going to get shot for screaming about the stuff that's bothering me.

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Member




Posts: 149
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 8/12/2003 at 03:10 PM
Wow, slow day today. I am inching my way towards Member status (finally!) post by post....

 

____________________
Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you.

 
 


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