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Author: Subject: Limericks

Member





Posts: 96
Registered: 29/7/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 09:09 AM
Know any? Written any? Funny, dirty, silly... do share!

A couple of my favorites: (Not by me--I'm not too talented with these things)

There was a young man of Madras
Who balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

There was young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido.
To fuck and to screw,
And to fornicate too,
Were the three major points of his credo.


edited to add disclaimer: I know these are technically poetry, but I hope that The Gods take mercy on me in that limericks are fun and silly and totally not meant to be "serious poetry." I'm not trying to get around the rule by any means, though if I have overstepped, I understand completely is this thread is forthwith terminated.

[Edited on 30/11/2003 by daria_4]

 

____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a person with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious convict, and deserves locking up."

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:18 AM
A limeric pack rhymes anatomical,
into spacec that's quite economical,
though the good ones I've seen,
so seldom are clean,
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.

Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:21 AM
There once was a man from nantucket,
whose dick was so long he could suckit
he said with a grinm,
as he wiped off his chin
if my mouth was a pussy I'd fuck it

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.



Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:22 AM
There once was a woman from wheeling,
who claimed to have no sexual feeling,
til a skeptic named boris,
just touched her clitoris
and now she's stuck to the cieling

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.





Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:32 AM
We intererupt this limmeric session for spam haiku

Silent, former pig
one communal awareness
myriad pink bricks

Blue can of steel
what promise do you hold?
salt flesh so ripe

Can of metal, slick
soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt

Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aaah, my poultice.

You wait to feed me
stoic vigil on the shelf
ah my vibrant pink

Jelly for mortar
seven hundred tins and more
I build a Spam house

My friend pork shoulder
I return to you. this time
I've brought mayonnaise

Above all others
porcine treat without equal
there is but one Spam

Clad in metal, proud
no mere salt-curing for you
you are not bacon

And who dares mock Spam?
you? you? you are not worthy
of one rich pink fleck

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas

The color of Spam
is natural as the sky:
A block of sunrise

Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please

Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty

Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin

Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle...Spam

Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian

Queasy, greasy SPAM
Slithers without propulsion
Across a white plate.

Born in World War Two
Hogs marching off to battle
Dressed in tin armor.

The blue can is square
Why not a circular can?
Too much like dog food.

Myrrh, frankincense, and
SPAM: the gifts of two wise men
and one complete fool.

Bright lights and cruel cops
grill the suspect pork product
It doesn't confess.

Old retired jocks to
star in ads for new SPAM Lite
"Tastes filling!" "Less great!"

After scrutiny,
methinks it is doggie food
I eat on all fours.

In mud you frolicked
Till they cut, cleaned and canned you
How now, ground sow?

Cold SPAM canapes
Served up by John Belushi-
Martha Stewart's Hell!

Slice the cold, pink block
Apply to sucking chest wound
Don't need stitches now.

"Slow down," she whispered
now guiding my trembling hands
"Turn the key slowly."

Silken pig tofu
The color of spanked buttocks
Blushing at my knife.

SPAM, too, needs a wife
What consort for my Pork Prince?
Ah! The Velveeta!

SPAM glistens pinkly;
Cat taps it with wary paw
To see if it's dead.

I put my shoes on
But remembered far too late
My secret SPAM stash.

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
/>





Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Fanatic




Posts: 287
Registered: 31/10/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 30/11/2003 at 02:42 PM
Feral: figurative and literal...I like it!

Not mine, but one of my best friends shared it with me years ago:

A couple named Willy and Nelly
Spent the night belly to belly
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!

Oh, and here's a limerick website:

http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/


[Edited on 30/11/2003 by LadyCygnet]

 

____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey

 

Member




Posts: 96
Registered: 29/7/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 1/12/2003 at 04:55 PM
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

 

____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although
conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a person
with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious convict,
and deserves locking up."

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 2/12/2003 at 12:57 AM
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a Lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And That was the end of HIS ass!

--------------------------------

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.


---------------

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.


__________________

There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.

------------------------

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
/>
/>







Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 4/12/2003 at 05:12 PM
I told daria she could post poetry if it was limricks, cuz it's hard to write bad whiney goth teenaged angst limricks. Then I got to wondering how hard it really was. That was a bad idea...


My sole is as black as the nyte
My face is covered in white
Parents don't understand
These cuts on my hand,
And I really am scared of the lite.

-------------------------------------

My facination with gloom and the dead
doesn't mean i'm easily lead
i'm an individual
almost an original
Hand... Staple... Forehead...

 

____________________
So Sayeth Me

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 4/12/2003 at 06:40 PM
*omfg* Devin...I almost spit mt dew on the screen laughing at those two.

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ~Mae West


 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 648
Registered: 24/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 4/12/2003 at 06:49 PM
Good job Devin. Guess poetry isn't allowed now anymore altogether. I love funny poetry.

 

____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell

 

Member




Posts: 96
Registered: 29/7/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 5/12/2003 at 03:43 PM
Brava Devin! I am particularly fond of the second one.

 

____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although

conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a
person

with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious
convict,

and deserves locking up."

 

Fanatic




Posts: 344
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 5/12/2003 at 10:31 PM
Yeah, I like the second one too. Is that so wrong?

 

____________________
co-worker: "Your gay!?"
myself: "Didn't you see my rainbow pin?"
co-worker: "I just thought you liked skettles."
-(yes, it actually happened to me)

 

Member




Posts: 199
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 5/12/2003 at 11:08 PM
Meranda's quite good at fellatio
her shoots to kills is quite a ratio
when she goes downtown
she'll sure bring you down
and leave you shaken and insatio

Cashmere's good in bed it is true,
she'll grind up the mere mere mortals like you
in Gramercy Park
they speak after dark
of the wonders at night that she do.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/12/2003 at 01:24 AM
I was the last to be informed of a situation...even though I'd gotten some weird cooties there was something going on (as my whole friggin life my weird little family has done the let's only tell so and so and let's get so and so to make life changing decisions on a moments notice and watch the fallout that follows)...I'm emotionally spent and the following seems to express the situation...an emotion packed little limerick.

Ovarian cancer has the mother.
Only tell the sister and brother.
Don't tell the black sheep...
In the dark let her sleep,
As we all know she's just the other.

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West




 
 


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