daria_4
Member   Posts: 96 Registered: 29/7/2003 Status: Offline
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 posted on 30/11/2003 at 09:09 AM |
Know any? Written any? Funny, dirty, silly... do share!
A couple of my favorites: (Not by me--I'm not too talented with these
things)
There was a young man of Madras
Who balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido.
To fuck and to screw,
And to fornicate too,
Were the three major points of his credo.
edited to add disclaimer: I know these are technically poetry, but I
hope that The Gods take mercy on me in that limericks are fun and silly and
totally not meant to be "serious poetry." I'm not trying to get around the
rule by any means, though if I have overstepped, I understand completely is
this thread is forthwith terminated.
[Edited on 30/11/2003 by daria_4] ____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although
conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a person
with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious convict,
and deserves locking up."
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:18 AM |
A limeric pack rhymes anatomical,
into spacec that's quite economical,
though the good ones I've seen,
so seldom are clean,
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.
____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:21 AM |
There once was a man from nantucket,
whose dick was so long he could suckit
he said with a grinm,
as he wiped off his chin
if my mouth was a pussy I'd fuck it
____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:22 AM |
There once was a woman from wheeling,
who claimed to have no sexual feeling,
til a skeptic named boris,
just touched her clitoris
and now she's stuck to the cieling ____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 30/11/2003 at 11:32 AM |
We intererupt this limmeric session for spam haiku
Silent, former pig
one communal awareness
myriad pink bricks
Blue can of steel
what promise do you hold?
salt flesh so ripe
Can of metal, slick
soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt
Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aaah, my poultice.
You wait to feed me
stoic vigil on the shelf
ah my vibrant pink
Jelly for mortar
seven hundred tins and more
I build a Spam house
My friend pork shoulder
I return to you. this time
I've brought mayonnaise
Above all others
porcine treat without equal
there is but one Spam
Clad in metal, proud
no mere salt-curing for you
you are not bacon
And who dares mock Spam?
you? you? you are not worthy
of one rich pink fleck
Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone
Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate
Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas
The color of Spam
is natural as the sky:
A block of sunrise
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan
Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?
Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please
Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin
Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle...Spam
Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian
Queasy, greasy SPAM
Slithers without propulsion
Across a white plate.
Born in World War Two
Hogs marching off to battle
Dressed in tin armor.
The blue can is square
Why not a circular can?
Too much like dog food.
Myrrh, frankincense, and
SPAM: the gifts of two wise men
and one complete fool.
Bright lights and cruel cops
grill the suspect pork product
It doesn't confess.
Old retired jocks to
star in ads for new SPAM Lite
"Tastes filling!" "Less great!"
After scrutiny,
methinks it is doggie food
I eat on all fours.
In mud you frolicked
Till they cut, cleaned and canned you
How now, ground sow?
Cold SPAM canapes
Served up by John Belushi-
Martha Stewart's Hell!
Slice the cold, pink block
Apply to sucking chest wound
Don't need stitches now.
"Slow down," she whispered
now guiding my trembling hands
"Turn the key slowly."
Silken pig tofu
The color of spanked buttocks
Blushing at my knife.
SPAM, too, needs a wife
What consort for my Pork Prince?
Ah! The Velveeta!
SPAM glistens pinkly;
Cat taps it with wary paw
To see if it's dead.
I put my shoes on
But remembered far too late
My secret SPAM stash.
____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
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Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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LadyCygnet
Fanatic   Posts: 287 Registered: 31/10/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 30/11/2003 at 02:42 PM |
Feral: figurative and literal...I like it!
Not mine, but one of my best friends shared it with me years ago:
A couple named Willy and Nelly
Spent the night belly to belly
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!
Oh, and here's a limerick website:
http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/
[Edited on 30/11/2003 by LadyCygnet] ____________________
"To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey
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daria_4
Member Posts: 96 Registered: 29/7/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 1/12/2003 at 04:55 PM |
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds. ____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although
conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a
person
with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious
convict,
and deserves locking up."
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 2/12/2003 at 12:57 AM |
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a Lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And That was the end of HIS ass!
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There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
---------------
There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
__________________
There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.
------------------------
____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
/>
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Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
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Devin
Administrator  Posts: 317 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Online
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posted on 4/12/2003 at 05:12 PM |
I told daria she could post poetry if it was limricks, cuz it's hard to
write bad whiney goth teenaged angst limricks. Then I got to wondering how
hard it really was. That was a bad idea...
My sole is as black as the nyte
My face is covered in white
Parents don't understand
These cuts on my hand,
And I really am scared of the lite.
-------------------------------------
My facination with gloom and the dead
doesn't mean i'm easily lead
i'm an individual
almost an original
Hand... Staple... Forehead... ____________________
So Sayeth Me
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Starlight
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 4/12/2003 at 06:40 PM |
| *omfg* Devin...I almost spit mt dew on the screen laughing at those two. ____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
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MystryssRavynDarque
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 648 Registered: 24/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 4/12/2003 at 06:49 PM |
| Good job Devin. Guess poetry isn't allowed now anymore altogether. I love
funny poetry. ____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't
think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the
experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell
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daria_4
Member Posts: 96 Registered: 29/7/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 5/12/2003 at 03:43 PM |
Brava Devin! I am particularly fond of the second one. 
____________________
"I've told you before, I don't comprehend religion, although
conviction is a concept I'm beginning to get. In any case, a
person
with a real religious conviction is, I propose, a religious
convict,
and deserves locking up."
|
| |
dead-cell
Fanatic  Posts: 344 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 5/12/2003 at 10:31 PM |
| Yeah, I like the second one too. Is that so wrong? ____________________
co-worker: "Your gay!?"
myself: "Didn't you see my rainbow pin?"
co-worker: "I just thought you liked skettles."
-(yes, it actually happened to me)
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Rogue
Member  Posts: 199 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 5/12/2003 at 11:08 PM |
Meranda's quite good at fellatio
her shoots to kills is quite a ratio
when she goes downtown
she'll sure bring you down
and leave you shaken and insatio
Cashmere's good in bed it is true,
she'll grind up the mere mere mortals like you
in Gramercy Park
they speak after dark
of the wonders at night that she do.
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Starlight
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 6/12/2003 at 01:24 AM |
I was the last to be informed of a situation...even though I'd gotten some
weird cooties there was something going on (as my whole friggin life my
weird little family has done the let's only tell so and so and let's get so
and so to make life changing decisions on a moments notice and watch the
fallout that follows)...I'm emotionally spent and the following seems to
express the situation...an emotion packed little limerick.
Ovarian cancer has the mother.
Only tell the sister and brother.
Don't tell the black sheep...
In the dark let her sleep,
As we all know she's just the other.
____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've
never
tried before." ~Mae West
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