Subject: Rambles on the "Self" that no one likes...
Anya
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 16/7/2003 at 10:41 PM
Has anyone ever experienced having the side of them that they do not want
anyone else to see? Does anyone have painful memories that cause the soul
to bleed? Or better yet, has anyone made mistakes that has caused
irritation and grief? No matter what the case is, all these are part of
the self. Sometimes we deny these aspects, sometimes we just wish to hide
them. It all depends on each individual...
Do not wish to start a soap box in this thread, but am curious about
everyone's experience on the side that not many people like.
It's rare to find someone who can't say they relate that aren't lying.
Some people are upfront about it with themselves, others choose to bury
it. Believe me, those aren't gopher hills in my backyard. I just ran out
of room in my closet for all those rattlin bones.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Anya
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 17/7/2003 at 06:41 AM
Though I'm a bit more laid back compared to years ago, I have the tendency
to worry a lot and I outright break when ticked off.
Another bad habit I got is repressing my emotions from time to time. Not
much of being a coward, I just feel burdensome to the world around me.
Still trying to fight that and paranoia... well wait, wouldn't those be the
same thing in this case?
I'm also fairly superstitious...to an extent. I try not to let it
interfere with my common sense, but I tend to narrow my eyes at people who
rob the grave or beat on a dead body. Also told my stepdad that I'd not
want the box of our cremated animal to be opened for that reason. Some
people find that an odd trait and will assume I should have just respected
them in the living. On my behalf I just find it disrespectful. It may be
so that there's oblivion in the next world, but I don't think anyone wants
to see someone messing with their dead body or ashes, lol. That part I do
not see wrong with me, but a lot of people in the world without seems to
think "wtf" about it.
[Edited on 7/17/2003 by Anya]
RavensSoul
Member
Posts: 63 Registered: 27/3/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 17/7/2003 at 11:35 AM
I don't like myself when I fall into this morbidly depressed little hole of
existance... and it's not a depressed "because I'm an ungrateful little
brat who thinks I'm goth" it's a depressed "because I'm chemically
imbalanced and need to seek help but refuse to." I don't like it because I
become violently anti-social (sociopathic?) and I end up hurting the
people around me, emotionally. *I've long since gotten out of the habbit of
hurting myself.* Don't see the point in that. Who needs physical pain to
add onto the emotional pain. When I get like this, I stop eating, stop
sleeping, stop communicating with my friends... I just kinda lock myself up
in my room and become the human embodiment of hell. And then my dad has the
nerve to call me anorexic when I'm depressed and my mom just ignores me..
Looks like they'd see how unhappy I am and force me to get help.. Oh
well.
Let's see, I also get really mouthy to people who demand respect without
earning it first. Gotten into lots of verbal brawls over this one and have
actually been hit a few times. oh, and I get really mouthy to my mother
when she forgets she is 42 and acts like she is 17. That just really
disturbs me and bothers me and makes me lose respect for her. I'm weird
about people who hit that mid-life crisis thing and try to revert
themselves back to being teenagers. You can ask Poetic Chaos, my mom is a
complete nut job when it comes to reality and being a part of it.
Oh, and I don't like myself in public places, like school or stores or
clubs or anything because that part suffering from social anxiety kicks in
and I start freaking out on the inside and can't enjoy myself or function
properly..... hmmm, reading over this, I sound like a complete mental case.
Go me.
____________________ In my eyes, to be human is not to be able to live and die, but it is to
feel pain, love, happiness, and all other things that keep our hearts from
freezing over into the bloody ice that distinguishes man from the beasts of
night.