Mutant_Duckie
Member   Posts: 68 Registered: 13/7/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 12/5/2003 at 09:29 PM |
compliments of shacknews.com...
how not to have cybersex:
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful
woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the
Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the
Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is
ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the
lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body
explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield
inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil
army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
-----
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the
game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned
feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
-----
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular
physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your
ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
-----
bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can
you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach...
sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the
lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides
turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your
olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.
____________________
~ ~
QUACK!
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Dolorosa
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 856 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 12/5/2003 at 09:52 PM |
Bahahahahahahahaha!
Man that was cool...
Honestly I never really understood the whole cybersex thing...I mean, what
the hell? ____________________
In the valley of the Goats, the Goat Fucker is King
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Psychopixi
Fanatic   Posts: 376 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 01:17 AM |
*holds sides and laughs helplessly*
That was just classic!!! ____________________
Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
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Tvileren
Occasional Poster   Posts: 38 Registered: 26/4/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 04:03 AM |
I have trouble breathing... Some of the best cyber sex I have seen,
actually thats the only cyber sex that I have seen.. oh well,
and I also wonder about the point of cyber sex..
wank,type,wank,type,wank,type,wank,type. Must be very frustrating.. ____________________
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Remy
Occasional Poster  Posts: 34 Registered: 29/4/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 04:33 AM |
I haven't laughed that hard for weeks, simply great!
Another text about cyber sex that can be found on the Internet is this
one:
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels.
My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a
little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and
harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
*plop*.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard
tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Wellhung: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your
... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my
face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
____________________
"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing." - Oscar Wilde
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Ironboots
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 893 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 05:52 AM |
rofl!
Damn! How's a guy supposed to eat cereal when he's laughing like a
madman... I must have spilt it four times...
Yeah, that's damn good... You should get awards for that stuff... lol...
____________________
Piggy's got the Conch!
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Dolorosa
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 856 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 07:14 AM |
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA >snort< heeheeheeheee...>wheeze<
I have got to do that someday when someone asks me to cyber
again...fucking hilarious.
Yay!! It's fun to make fun of sad and lonely people! ____________________
In the valley of the Goats, the Goat Fucker is King
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dead-cell
Fanatic  Posts: 344 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 07:50 AM |
| LMFAO... thats all I need to say. ____________________
co-worker: "Your gay!?"
myself: "Didn't you see my rainbow pin?"
co-worker: "I just thought you liked skettles."
-(yes, it actually happened to me)
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Erishkigal
Member  Posts: 62 Registered: 5/10/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 09:35 AM |
| You see personally, I just dont think I could type one handed. Cybersex is
simply not for me. ____________________
Let viagra bring the magic back.
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MystryssRavynDarque
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 648 Registered: 24/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 09:51 AM |
| Amber waves of grain? What are they fucking America?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DEAR GOD this is too hilarious! No more! I think
I may die! ____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't
think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the
experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell
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Nicholas
Member  Posts: 74 Registered: 17/3/2003 Status: Offline
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 posted on 13/5/2003 at 03:02 PM |
| *snickers* A vegetable fetish?!? Holy shit! ____________________
"Be neither a master nor a slave to pudding, for there is a time to gather,
and a time to cast pudding away"
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Anonymous
Posts: 116 Registered: 14/4/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 04:36 PM |
ROFFLMFAO!
That was too funny.
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Anya
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/5/2003 at 04:38 PM |
That was me - forgive my failure to log in first. *doh, hehe*
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Domkitten
Fanatic  Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 14/5/2003 at 01:03 AM |
Ah cybersex, the last realm of the cybervixion, come delve into me and I'll
type the words that will cover you with hot phospherous oh yea....
____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
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Abbadon
Fanatic  Posts: 499 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/5/2003 at 10:02 AM |
| I prefere the real thing. ____________________
Light is changing to shadow, and casting a shroud over all we have known.
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Dense
Member  Posts: 73 Registered: 5/6/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 12/6/2003 at 07:22 PM |
| funny. I always woundered "how could you type and masturbate at the same
time?" ____________________
i am a misunderstood genius... Nobody understands that i am a genius!
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Starlight
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 13/6/2003 at 01:21 AM |
| Oh damn that was too funny!!! Reminds me of some of the texts of things
such as "now I'm fondly your big beasts..." *snort laughs* ____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
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Arthegarn
Member  Posts: 79 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 15/6/2003 at 10:26 AM |
Lol
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Anya
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 9/7/2003 at 02:17 PM |
Honestly, I have no qualms about people wanting to do that stuff, but that
was just out there. LMAO.
"Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. "
That was just the stuff.
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