I'm sure you have all, on your travels, at some time noticed church
billboards, and the cheezy little phrases the churches feel they need to
post, in the hopes of luring people inside. These tend to really piss me
off. I thought it would be a nice vent to have a forum where people could
post the real doozies.
Here's mine, I saw it yesterday afternoon -
"What if you didn't believe Me, and you were wrong? -God"
*shudder*
Monolycus
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Posts: 580 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 04:29 AM
Yeah, those funky little Christian koans get to me as well. I live in the
immediate vicinity of three seperate church billboards and have seen some
real doozies. My favorite so far read as follows:
"The pastor told us to change the sign so we did."
Two weeks later, this same billboard read:
"Wanted: Sign Changer. See pastor."
~M.
IamSquid
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 658 Registered: 27/5/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 05:12 AM
Well the first thing that came to mind was the mock commercial for the
Catholic Church the Simpsons watched on the Super Bowl episode.
Unfortunatly that was fake so it doesn't count.
The one that sticks out in my mind as the worst was on the side of a bus.
It was something to the effect of:
"Hey angry teenagers,
rebel against yor parents:
Go to Church!"
____________________
i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.
-ickgirl
Ironboots
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 893 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:14 AM
Your sig really goes well with this forum, squid...
But its really strange. I live within a mile of 5 churches, but I don't
really remember anything they say. I guess I'm immune to it?
____________________ Piggy's got the Conch!
Squire-of-Gothos
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Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:24 AM
What gets me are the Religious bumper stickers. like "Got Jesus?" I didn't
know I needed him. Is he high in calcium or fiber? And my all time favorite
"life is short, pray hard" Life is short pray hard? So gods rips us away
from existence as quickly as possible, and I'm supposed to pray to the guy.
Its fairly obvious that churchs are undermining any respect they had by
trying to make inane, semi-catchy, rip off slogans. Thats realy sad. I was
never a particualy religious person, but my friend goes to church every
Sunday, and he says he feels almost ashamed at that kind of stuff. Yay for
society!
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
Faulkner
Xaoswolf
Fanatic
Posts: 463 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 12:44 PM
I live in beaver county *I've heard them all before, so they don't really
need to be said again*
It has the highest concentratoin of churches and bars(in fact, at a lot of
churches, you can walk across the street to the bar). Even with that going
for it, we don't really have any church bilboards anywhere. I think that
I've seen maybe three total.
With the move to philly I may see more, don't know, I haven't really kept
my eyes out for them.
____________________ Sometimes I dream about dinosaurs shopping for cargo shorts at the Gap.
Does that make me a bad person?
Starlight
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 01:16 PM
I have luckily moved away from an area where I had to view those billboards
daily. *looks much relieved* I have seen a few good responses to those type
of billboards on bumper stickers though. One of my favorites is "I'm sorry
I didn't go to church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and lesbianism
to go."
____________________ "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
dead-cell
Fanatic
Posts: 344 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 01:39 PM
I like that one Starlight, if only they had one for atheism, and sodomy.
Around here we have the "God listens" billboards, and "Jesus loves you"
ones.
____________________ co-worker: "Your gay!?"
myself: "Didn't you see my rainbow pin?"
co-worker: "I just thought you liked skettles."
-(yes, it actually happened to me)
Xaos, there probably aren't any needs for billboards because having a
church across from a bar implants enough guilt in the drunks to do the job
itself!
I remember one time I was in photography in college, and a friend and I
were out trying to find bizarre or misspelled signs to take pictures of for
a project (the crowning pic of the whole thing, mind you, was a wallgreen's
advertisement for Nad's, that green aussie goop for hair removal. It read
"aussie nads on sale 5.99" and we DIED)
and ran across a church sign that said "where in hell will you be?" on the
back it said "without jesus" Well the fun part, I imagine, but anyway. We
took quite a few pics when this guy that was a TOTAL NED FLANDERS KNOCKOFF
comes strollin up to us and I swear the first thing out of my mouth to this
man was "Hi didly ho neighbor!" and he was like "Hey yourself neighbor! I
saw you lookeylooin our sign there, whaddya think?"
It was fantastic. We chatted for a minute and ended with givin him a
handshake and an "Okilydokily, see you later!"
I thought my friend was going to die, it was CLASSIC.
*sigh* it was great. And starlight, I swear that bumpersticker is my all
time fav..makes me laugh every time I see it *LOL*
I think the one I hate the MOST is "Warning: in case of rapture this car
will be unmanned". Great. So God's gonna rapture you in the middle of
friggin DRIVING A VEHICLE and let your goddamned minivan careen all over
the road and mutilate those who haven't been raptured YET. I want one that
says "warning: in case of rapture I'm SO stealing your car and moving into
your house."
BTW this is WAY off topic, but if you live near a fred meyer store, go to
the natural foods section and buy those clearanced out maple candy santa
clause's. NUTHIN BUT SUGAH BABY and it's GOOOOOOOD.
MMmmmm...who could have ever guessed eating santa would be so
divine...mmmm.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 07:31 PM
Squire, I really identify with your friend. I used to be a church-goer,
but I've been pulling away from the whole Christianity thing, and one of
the reasons is I am embarrassed by the way Christians present themselves,
and I don't want to be identified with them. Too many Christians present
trite, mindless little phrases and think they've said something
significant. Too many Christians have atrophied brains.
I really don't think that God has much respect for someone who has faith
because a billboard told them to. That's just having an easily suggestible
mind. Those people are the reason why tobacco and alcohol billboards are
taboo.
It makes me wonder - do these people believe in God, or in their phrases?
Domkitten
Fanatic
Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 08:52 PM
I used to live in the middle of the bible belt, and then more recently near
the upper left hand corner of the buckle...anyway too of my favorite and
horribly obscure church signs:
"Remember, God serves desert first." (I have never understood this one)
"Forbiden Fruit makes the best Jam." (mmmmmmmmm... Forbiden
Jam....ararararghhhh)
____________________ It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic
Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 09:52 PM
Good question Schizo, personally I think its a major problem in
Christianity. Not only are those signs and stickers relatively anoying, I
hate it when you have someone spouting some catchy but totally out of
context or irrelevant psalm, and then smilling to themselves as if they've
spread the word of god. Are people having trouble seeing the forrest from
the trees, or the words from the meaning? Is the bible a "Funky Jesus Quote
book" or something designed to teach lessons and ethical and moral codes?
Will they ever be able to come back there roots, or are some of todays
religions meeting the begining of the end?
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
Faulkner
AloneSoul
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Posts: 522 Registered: 6/7/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:39 PM
*thinks for a moment*
"Hey angry teenagers,
rebel against your parents:
Go to Church,
and start some fires!"
Yow, man, sometimes I love being a Catholic. We might suck at other things
but at least we still haven't seriously about the "Catholicism WOW" thing
nor have any signs like what you describe (Well... in Europe we don't, at
least...)
As for signs... I always love this one I saw in Paris. There was this
church and someone had graffited on it "GOD IS DEAD - NIETZSCHE" and right
under it, in tiny words, someone had written with an Edding "You can bet
Nietzsche IS dead - God"
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 04:02 PM
There have been times when I have seriously considered becoming a Catholic.
They seem to be far better at avoiding the sin of tackiness than the
Protestants. You should come to New England, Arthegarn. Baptist churches
are pretty bad, but Pentecostal ones are even worse. They all seem to have
those cheap signs out front where you can change the messages - and they
all seem to use phrases like "No Jesus, No Peace, Know Jesus, Know Peace."
Phrases that seem to be designed for catchiness rather than accuracy. And
they always seem to be outside of some church that was built by an
architect who must have wanted to see how ugly a building he could create.
Now, if I could go to a cathedral, with a mass sung in Latin, I might
decide to take up church again! ... well...maybe...
Monolycus
Fanatic
Posts: 580 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 04:31 PM
Yes, it's hard to beat the Catholics for pomp and circumstance. Still, I
actually LIKE those tacky little protestant signboards. Maybe it's my
deep-seated fondness for all things kitsch, but driving by those things
always brings a self-indulgent smile to my face. To me, they are like
little roadside dippy birds (you know the glass birds that "drink" from a
glass of water?) or concrete geese that someone has dressed in a new
seasonal outfit. You can't explain to the owners of these things why they
are stupid, they just are. And I really love them for that.
~Monolycus.
IamSquid
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 658 Registered: 27/5/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 06:59 PM
I don't know, maybe it's the way those billboards are just simple black
lettrs on a plain white backround but everytime I see them it reminds mee
of the scene in They Live where Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on the sunglasses
and walks into the street and sees the word "Obey" written on evreything.
He looks at money and it says "Work." He looks at a magazine with a girl
in a bikini on the cover and it says "Marry and Procreate."
____________________
i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.
-ickgirl
DarkMistress
Member
Posts: 170 Registered: 6/6/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 07:28 PM
I was catholic until I turned nine, then I started studying other
religions. People who still attend church were told a few sunday's ago
that the priest who preached here for so many years molested a little girl
when he preached in the cities. He resigned a month before his history was
publicised. I don't see many billboards that tell you to come worship, but
there is one (on the way out of the small town I go to school in) that
says, "come worship, He will ease your pain." or something like that. My
school sponsers this thing called youth group where kids go and hang out
for like an hour, then they have to attend classes that talk about the
evil of drugs and sex, and why God thinks their special and why he's
special and something to that effect.
____________________ "Pity no one was there
No angels in the air
And the morning paper ran
One more suicide"
Domkitten
Fanatic
Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 08:57 PM
I think my favorite stupid protestant slogan is WWJD?
I like to think to myself when I'm tied up on my knees with a ball gag in
my mouth, a giant black dildo rammed into that place where the sun doesn't
peek, my breasts chained to the floor by my nipple rings, my hair tied up
in a clasp and bound to the cieling, down on my knees with my ass high in
the air and the blindfold that will never slip....What would Jesus Do right
now?
____________________ It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
Monolycus
Fanatic
Posts: 580 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 7/1/2003 at 09:03 PM
I think "T.M.I" covers that better than "W.W.J.D.".