Ok guys...i have a ? for ya. I was recently involved in a bunch of drama
with my new friend and her hubby...shes bi and they have an open
relationship. Anyway some stuff happened between me and her hubby....not
the actual "it" but alot of flirting and other stuff....it was a one time
thing . Anyway i have a bf and we have a committed relationship and he
found out what happened and there was alot of crying and talking but we are
doing fine now....he doesnt want me to be friends with the hubby
anymore...cant be around him..but i can still and want to be friends with
the wife..my initial friend. Is it possible for us to be just friends and
do you think my boyfriend is being foolish about not wanting me around him
anymore. Your opinions please!!!
____________________ With one motion of her waiting eyes
She strips everything away
This one moment is intensified
And colors all fade to grey
LadyCygnet
Fanatic
Posts: 287 Registered: 31/10/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 20/11/2003 at 12:56 PM
Argh...I had this nice reply...but damned IE fucked up...
I've been in a similar situation from a different angle, so here's my spin
on it:
What we have here is a violation of trust issue. My best advice would be
to consider it from his perspective. Unless he knew about it from the
beginning, even an emotional affair can have a deep impact.
And then, consider why you were doing "not the actual "it" but alot of
flirting and other stuff" and why "it was a one time thing." What did you
get from your time with the husband that you didn't from the boyfriend?
And then consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
Perhaps you and your man have different values regarding committed
relationships. Trust me, hon, this shit kills just as bad as financial
drama.
These exercises could give you some insight as to why the drama took place
and if any or all of the relationships can be salvaged. If you and your
man can hammer out an agreement as to what's acceptable in outside
relationships, all well and good. If not, it's not as if there aren't
other guys (or gals) out there that are comfortable with different levels
of trust.
Good luck!
TGS
____________________ "To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey
I don't think it's a good idea, as LC said, it was a violation of trust and
put yourself in his place. Even tho you didn't actually have SEX with him,
and even tho THEIR relationship is open, your boyfriend didn't think that
your relationship was, and he's doesn't seem he's okay with it. It would
probably be just as hurtful if you had sex with the guy instead of just
fooling around.
If he has a problem with you being around the husband, then I would either
honor his wishes or get out of the relationship. Friends with the wife, I
say go ahead, tho it's going to be difficult because if they do a lot as a
couple, then there's going to be more hurt feelings of exclusion as time
goes on.
I would leave them both out for a while and let them know the situation,
and let your boyfriend figure out what he wants and how he feels about it.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Squire-of-Gothos
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Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 20/11/2003 at 05:17 PM
Yeah I agree with Bettie and LC: You entered into a committed relationship
with your boyfriend, and whether the hubby and his wife are swingers or
not, you violated your mans trust. I'd say that if you really care care
about your boyfriend, trying to find out if he's being foolish and trying
to be friends with the wife is something you should put on hold for a
while. If I was in a monogamous relationship with a girl and it came out
that she's been hanging with some swingers, and did a little hanky panky
with one of them, and then she came home and tried to convince me to let
them keep hanging out, I'd be mad pissed.
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
Faulkner
callei
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 20/11/2003 at 07:32 PM
did you and yer boi actually TAlK about "monogamy". "commitment". and "the
rules"? I mean did he make it clear that if you play with him, you couldnt
play with anyone else? Was he clear that he was that possesive and
needy?
Do you get more from your friendship with that couple than you do with him?
Is he that good in bed?
there are more questions like these... maybe someone else wants to add to
this list.
you know, on the off-chance Aralis wasnt in the wrong here, and that the
boi is spazzing for the fun of dramatime.
____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.
Merry_Widow
Fanatic
Posts: 598 Registered: 24/8/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 20/11/2003 at 08:50 PM
When you say he "found out" do you mean you told him, or did he find out
from a third party? Some of the drama might be coming from the fact that
when it happened, you weren't up front. A breech of trust can hurt. A
bunch.
Of course, going off of what Callei said...did he know what kind of
relationship these two have? And as their frined, might he have inferred
that you would share similar views when it comes to openess in
relationships? Did he ever sit down and ask you what you wanted form the
relationship, and set out what he wanted?
It seems that him forbidding you from ever seeing this guy again shows a
severe lack of trust, and it seems overbearing. It might be a knee-jerk
reaction to the intial sting of the situation, but if he still forbids you
away form certain people further down the line, I would back away quickly.
____________________ Okay, dazzle me.
Anya
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 656 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 20/11/2003 at 08:54 PM
While most relationships are assumed monogamous by default, I would have to
say that callei had some interesting questions to throw in the pot. Were
such things talked about? If not, then he slightly is at fault as well.
LadyCygnet
Fanatic
Posts: 287 Registered: 31/10/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 21/11/2003 at 12:38 AM
Callei: Good point. Stuff like that needs to be discussed right away.
The big thing here is COMMUNICATION. Too many relationships get destroyed
because people aren't upfront about what they want and need from their
partners. The big thing that killed my last relationship was the fact that
my ex LIED to me and disrepected my wishes.
Aralis, I hope that we've been able to help you with your problem. It's a
lot of food for thought, but it's worth considering.
You'll be in my thoughts.
____________________ "To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey
From a genetic standpoint, your boyfriend is doing what comes naturally...
Now... straight up... just because you did not fuck the guy... in his
mind... it was still cheating... I cannot blame hime.
Also... you say he found out... if you had told him, that would be
different.. but that statement implies that you tried to omscure it from
him... I would say that you are lucky you still have him...
Feral
____________________ The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
LadyCygnet
Fanatic
Posts: 287 Registered: 31/10/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 22/11/2003 at 02:37 PM
Another thing to consider is the Garden of Eden factor: the relationship
with the husband was forbidden fruit as far as your man was concerned...but
it's not something that people think about until after the fruit has been
consumed, and I'm sure this wasn't discussed until the relationship came
out into the open.
Pity that we can't be upfront with potential lovers about what we want and
need from a relationship...it would probably save a lot of heartache...but
people don't typically think about these things until it's too late...
____________________ "To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey
callei
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 22/11/2003 at 02:38 PM
Anya, alot of relationships become monogamous by default, but the dont
start that way. One date doesnt a monogamous relationship make, or even 20
dates. And since we dont know if they had sat down and talked about having
a "relationship" before she was flirting with this other guy, we cant
actually assume she was in the "wrong".
____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away.
Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic
Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 23/11/2003 at 02:37 PM
Well She said "Comitted relationship" and specified that the married couple
where in an "open" one. This classifying leads the reader to assume, and
rightly so, that everything with her and her boyfirend is as Clean,
American, boring, and monogamous as apple pie. I agree with Callei, that
that might not be %100 correct, and assumptions do suck, but her and her
man sound like they're in a good old fashion two to tango, vanilla life
style. And until she actually posts again (its been like a week, you might
want to answer our ?'s so we can answer yours) we'll never know. It's like
the fate of the dinosaurs, or why Family Guy got cancelled: A total
mystery..........
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
the family guy got cancelled because the neilson families are only 1,000
strong, and they watch absolute SHIT... with todays digital technology, it
would be possible to EASILY monitor what is REALLY being watched and keep
that stuff on..
Feral
____________________ The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
LadyCygnet
Fanatic
Posts: 287 Registered: 31/10/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 23/11/2003 at 02:53 PM
SOG: That's not what I've heard about apple pie...*evil grin*
Feral: Nielsen's a complete matter of taste...maybe a petition drive would
bring it back?
As for hearing back from Aralis...we've given her a lot of stuff to think
about...if she feels the need to give us an update, I'm sure she will, when
she's ready...I hope things are going well for her and that this gets
resolved...
____________________ "To Live is to Annoy." -- Rev. Lambert Reilly, Archabbot, St. Meinrad Abbey
it is still in effect... I KNOW a neilsen family... well... growling... it
needs to be extended...
____________________ The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
callei
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 23/11/2003 at 09:00 PM
Shade and I were a neilsen family for a week. Sorry guys i KNOW we didnt
vote for any of your shows.
We never even turned on the tv that week, not to watch a movie,
playstation, or to see if it even still works.
I filled out thier little booklet with "nothing" all the way thru. and they
paid me for it too.
Sad really...
____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away.
Aralis
Coward
Posts: 6 Registered: 28/9/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 23/11/2003 at 09:11 PM
We are in a committed relationship and both of us are aware of this and
are only intimate with each other.
He found out by reading archived yahoo messages with Ymote...he suspected
something and had warned me about this couple and the situation. He said I
was acting weird so he then downloaded this program and began snooping and
found out everything.
We are doing good..working thru it. I know my friend wants me to come over
but ive been trying to hold off on hanging out with her. Dont want to do
anything too soon. I want to continue to be friends with her and be around
her hubby as well. He has already said that we can be just freinds and no
flirting.
____________________ With one motion of her waiting eyes
She strips everything away
This one moment is intensified
And colors all fade to grey
Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic
Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 24/11/2003 at 08:17 AM
Happy endings are happy. Yeah for talking it out! But seriously folks, on
to a more important matter: Family guy was cancelled by fox, cancellers of
Futurama and pimps of the now whored out Simpsons, because of Fogic. Fogic
is Fox Logic, which is that eventually a show, no matter it's sucess, just
need to go away to make way for less provocative and unique and more
mainstream programming. So they shuffle it's time slot around and postpone
it for sports and stuff until it starts doing bad, because no one wants to
try and watch the phantom, disapearing show. Then it can legitamantly and
guiltlessly cancel the shit out of it. Futurama fans feared the dreaded
Fogic since season 2, and alas, they where right. You have to be very
observant and caring to notice the nuances of Fox's evil. But I happen to
be a very observant and caring guy.
I'm sorry, Aralis what where you talking about, some guy, or something like
that? Whatever, Daria is on. Now MTV, or Masacres Television Vehemently
cancelled Daria not because of Daria's sardonic rambling but because of
Janes preocu......................
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a
buzzard.
/>
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
____________________ The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
/>
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist
Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic
Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 25/11/2003 at 06:26 PM
But yet, why are all these Futurama fanatics talking like this (in respect
to the epsiode The devils hands are Idle playthings):
Re: [4ACV18] 'The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings'
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...what if we all woke up and Fox wasn't stupid? That'd be great. We'd
still be able to watch Futurama and Family Guy and Firefly and The Lone
Gunmen and The Tick and all those other great shows they've killed. And
we'd never hear of another episode of some stupid "reality" show with
shallow greedy people scrabbling over one another for money.
Oh, sorry. I guess I'm still dreaming. Must still be asleep.
Remember that they didn't mean for this to be the last episode, but that it
was meant to bring just a small amount of closure to the series if it was.
If Fry was dreaming the whole time, then that's not a small amount of
closure: that's a lot. They wouldn't be able to do more episodes if it had
turned out that the show wasn't cancelled, and they couldn't do more
comics, and of course a movie would be out of the question.
Re: [4ACV18] 'The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings'
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My thoughts is that Leela and Fry won't get together but their
relationship will be advanced further than it has in all the past episodes
combined. In that way viewers and fans can have hope that things worked out
well between the two even if we never get to see it actually happen but at
the same time there is still ample ideas to explore should the series
continue or a movie were to be made.
RM
Re: [4ACV18] 'The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings'
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And so, believe it or not, the episode that everyone has been talking
about for over a year now is here. Will the series end on a high note? I
hope so.
Re: [4ACV18] 'The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings'
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What if we all waked up and found out that Futurama wasn't really
cancelled?
Needless to say I am looking forward to this episode with bittersweet
feelings. Sounds like it is going to be a cool episode but at the same time
I know it is the last and there will be no more after that. I am keeping my
fingers crossed that it will be a stellar episode and send the show off on
a good note with a touching story, plenty of jokes and a great song to end
the entire run on. A tour de force as it were.
RM
All qouted directly from the numero uno Fututrama board on the net. So I'm
afraid to say, yes Futurama is as dead as Full House, Brisco County Jr.,
Star Trek TNG, I love Lucy, or Brittany Spears. Oops, wishful
thinking....................
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
/>
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a
buzzard.
/>
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
/>