- Cynical Indulgence - (Shmeng is not a Gothic site)Mar 28, 2024 - 03:05 AM  
Welcome to  Shmeng
 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
Forums Section

Forums

Notes
 not logged in

Chat
Normal Rooms
General4 users
AntiStaticCleaningWi, melinda_halliwell_tu, Mistress_SinisterLov, littlegothgirlthatco

Who's Online
Currently no members online:)

You are an anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here
We have 27 guests online !

Distractions

   User ID:  Pass:        Forgot Password? click here or  Join here
Forums
You are not logged in

< Last Thread   Next Thread ><<  1    2  >>Ascending sortDescending sorting  
Author: Subject: What's keeping you?

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 897
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 27/5/2003 at 05:26 PM
If you wanted to ask me what my reason for sticking around this life was, I would have several answers.

The most obvious would be, my baby girl. She is my joy and my passion. She is the most incredible thing that ever happened to me. I live for her smile, and her giggle (or growl, as it usually comes out when she's tickled), and her love bites. She is the epitome of hope - the whole future is ahead for her. She can do anything with it - go to college, drop out, make good money, stay dirt poor, meet prince charming, meet an asshole, be happy, be miserable - it's all ahead of her. The sky's the limit. Maybe I regret some things in my life, but she has no regrets yet. She doesn't even comprehend the concept of regret. And somehow, she helps me take life with the same hope and simplicity.

Then, there's my boyfriend - the relationship that should never have worked. The person who was once my downfall and my misery, and has now become my sanity. The person who knows me better than anyone else and won't let me bullshit myself. The person who keeps me from stagnating in my own little dream world, and makes me get up and explore new things, even things that I don't like. He is yin to my yang (or is it the other way around?) Like me, and yet opposite. I have grown and expanded in the 3 years I have known him in ways I had never dreamed. Even the pain at the beginning ended up benefitting me in ways I didn't forsee. And I am his sanity as well. I know he needs me as much as I need him. We keep each other going through the endless grind of the week - always hoping together that it won't always have to be this way.

But even if my child and my boyfriend were wiped off the face of the planet, I would still have reason to continue. Life itself is such a fascinating thing. One would think my life rather unfascinating - split as it is between work at a factory and raising a baby. What could be more mundane than putting ball bearings together and changing diapers. And life has even been painful - horribly painful at times. Many of you know some of the shit I've wallowed through in the past couple of years. But deep inside, no matter how horrible it got, there was always the spark of something that was interested in life - no matter what it brought. I'm grasping for words to describe the feeling - how this little piece of me breaks off from the boredom or pain of the moment and says, "hey, this is cool! This is my life and it is significant!"

I don't have to be a millionaire to enjoy life. I don't have to be ravishingly beautiful. I don't have to be surrounded by perfect people, to have tons of energy, to have a talent that makes people sit up and notice. There's a saying going through my head - it may be from my days of Christian training, but it still rings true - "Don't despise the day of small things." My life might be described by many to be a life of small things.

But does something have to be big to be enjoyed? Does it have to be spectacular? Does it have to be popularly recognized as significant or noteworthy? Not to me. I find my reason for living in the glint of light off a highly polished bearing. In the beauty of an elderly face working at the next table over - ugly to some, but yet to one who will see it, possessing a subtle loveliness that satisfies more than the flawless face of a supermodel.

I find reason to live in the joy of raiding bubblegum machines for cheap plastic toys and stickers. I find reason to live in walking barefoot down the rough sidewalk to a friend's house, not caring if the winter's gravel hurts my feet. I find joy in packing the diaper bag, so my baby can go on a rare trip to the baby-sitters, and my boyfriend and I can enjoy a quiet day by ourselves - to think of anything that could possibly be needed, gather it from all corners of my home, and try to fit it all into a small but efficient bag, and the satisfaction that comes from zipping the last zipper with everything safe inside.

I believe that no one who cannot appreciate the little, mundane things of life can possibly say they love life. They only love what life can bring, if they are lucky. Those who depend on a certain relationship, a certain possession, or a certain activity, will only become miserable if that necessary thing is taken away. The athlete whose whole life is his sport will die inside if he becomes injured and cannot play anymore. The singer who depends on music for happiness, loses happiness when she loses her voice. But the person who can find fine architecture in a slum, mental stimulation in a repetitive job, and fascinating conversation with a moron, is possessed with the gift called the love of life, and the adding or subtraction of luxuries or abilities will make no lasting mark on their happiness.

This is the real reason why I stay alive - because there is worth and beauty in every painful, exhausting inch of it. I stay alive for life itself.

 

____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 27/5/2003 at 11:55 PM
I'm just too stubborn to die...yep that's it I think.
That and I love watching all the stupid people and their antics.

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ~Mae West


 





Posts: 116
Registered: 14/4/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 28/5/2003 at 07:55 AM
Life is hopeless. Same shit everyday. Same dumbass people cutting me off in traffic. Same people breeding to a set of kids that will later steal from my house.

Maybe I should quit analyzing so much.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 598
Registered: 24/8/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 28/5/2003 at 03:04 PM
I live to tell all the people who complain about their horrible lives and routines and ruts to just do the rest of the world a favor and just off thmeselves. If life is really as terrible as they make it out to be, then they should have no problems taking a razor to a few choice body parts.
I live because I enjoy it. That's all there is to it.

 

____________________
Okay, dazzle me.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 856
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 29/5/2003 at 12:27 AM
Your such a sweetheart MW.

Personally, I think the meaning of life is laughter...at least after returning from a period of introspection. Laughter both malicious and sublime. Revenge is a good one, but seriously, is it any good if you can't finish it off with that maniacal darksome laugh at the end? Life's a joke, we're the punchline, and I intend to laugh my fool head off until the end.
It's pretty fun too...I mean shit, watch the news, theres some seriously weird and hilarious crap going on in the world.
I'd laugh with people, if laughing at them wasn't so much more fun ya' know?

 

____________________
In the valley of the Goats, the Goat Fucker is King

 





Posts: 116
Registered: 14/4/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 2/6/2003 at 08:19 AM
No doubt I would MW, if I wasn't such a pussy....
 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 648
Registered: 24/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 2/6/2003 at 08:56 AM
Plus there is so much I have yet to eat, do, or see.... Someday I will say to life though "It's been swell, but the swellings gone down."

 

____________________
"People always say what we are looking for is a meaning for life…I don't think that's what we're looking for. I think what we're looking for is the experience of being alive." -Joseph Campbell

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 2/6/2003 at 01:12 PM
Well, anonymous, at least you've come to grips with that.
You know what? People cut me off in traffic too. Every goddamned day. It doesn't make me hate life, it makes me hate the individuals in the cars that make me angry. So I either let them pass and give them the finger (halfway passive) or I do the same shit to them that they are doing to me and give them a lesson in roadway bitchmaking 101. Then I go on with my life.
When I see people with kids that you KNOW are going to turn out to be troublemakers...eh, I don't even know if they live near me, and I sleep with a baseball bat and a big scary man that cherishes his privacy. They can breed as many rotten kids as they want. We can handle 'em.
I'm no fishing for sympathy here, with what I"m going to tell you, but merely making a very hard point.
I've had more bad shit happen in the last 8 months than most people know. My husband was hospitalised with a collapsed lung, the people at his job never submitted his insurance, he was bedridden for almost a MONTH after he was released from the hospital, still in a lot of pain and having to see a doctor that wouldn't listen to him or me (about the pain in his chest resulting from the procedure they did to try to keep his lung from going down for a fourth time. In essence, the doctor fucked him up.) , then when he returned to work he was fired on the spot on drug charges (which is bullshit) without a drug test or an opportunity to defend himself. He'd worked there for 5 years. Oh, by the way, these accusations were made by DRUG ADDICTS, THE most trustworthy people on the face of the fucking earth. Oh, by the way again, one was his OWN SISTER. Yup, his flesh and blood threw him into the fire to try to save her own skin. That's family for you. Then we find out about his insurance, and spent two months back and forth with the federal labor board to muscle the corp cocksuckers into giving him what was rightfully his. They disputed his unemployment claim, took him a full month to collect what was equal to a third of his income, and then spend the next two months searching for a job in a dismal economy. It ruined our halloween, our thanksgiving plans, our "christmas", and our new years, and almost totally ruined our lives. His sister's actions tore a massive hole in his family, it pushed both of us to the positive breaking point, and brought the realisation that everything you work so hard for can be literally stripped away by one jealous, stupid, pillpopping, lying and conniving person, and that we have no rights. That was especially difficult to discover and come to terms with. Several times we just didn't want to keep going, it seemed pointless, futile, and exhausting. But if we'd quit then we'd have let them win, and I refuse to let ANYONE dance on our graves. It's called pride and responsibility to the self.
It's simple really. Take control of you life. Life isn't supposed to be easy. Life rarely is. That is what makes it so interesting. I've learned a LOT in the last year. Things I wish I didn't know. But I'm better off and better prepared for having to go through it. We had become comfortable, spoiled even, before that. We just didn't know it. You never know just how good you have it until you have the absolute worst to compare it to. If it can go wrong it will, as the all ending laws state it, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless, it just means to quit crying, pull your pants up, ice down that black eye and trudge through. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you realise there's a light at the top, and a rope. You can hang yourself with it or you can climb your ass out. It's all up to you.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 598
Registered: 24/8/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 2/6/2003 at 08:24 PM
Everytime I think that shit sucks, I look back on everything I have already pulled my ass through. There has been a rather healthy amount of bullshit to haul through, and I'm still knee deep in it. But it would seem pretty stupid to quit now, you know? Beyond the day to day annoyances, there is some serious crap that I have made it through. Why stop now? I'm having much too much fun.
And Bettie, you never, ever cease to amaze me. I can't express how much respect I have for you. No shit. You rule. Captain Morgan and I salute you.

 

____________________
Okay, dazzle me.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 856
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 3/6/2003 at 01:31 AM
Knee-deep is a way of life...
::Salutes Bettie:: Without question...
Pain, suffering, crap, lies, sorrow, elation, joy, mirth and malice...without these things, I honestly think life would be fucking boring...
Who wants to romp around a field of fuckin' flowers and butterflies forever anyhow...for awhile maybe yeah, but shit.
It sucks and all yeah...but it makes the good stuff that much better I suppose...
Then again...maybe that field would be fun...fuck, I dunno'...::drink drink drink:: And right now, I'm far from caring...yeeee!

 

____________________
In the valley of the Goats, the Goat Fucker is King

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 3/6/2003 at 12:20 PM
Thanks guys, but when it comes down to it, tho michael really got the short end of the stick. HIS lung collapse, HE had to deal with those nurses and the pain, HE was the subject of having his good word and pride stomped on, I would dare say it's almost as hard to have to watch someone you love go through that. On his third week of bedrest he was trying so hard to be up and around, he even tried vaccuuming but couldn't, and he was so upset because he didn't want me to resent him, for me to feel like his nurse, caretaker, and mother than his wife (which of course I didn't). It was equally hard not to call Pat Hanlin (CEO of the cocksucking company that did this to him) and give him a good, hard, sharp piece of what I thought of him, his flunkies known as "upper management", and his company. We had a balance, michael and I. He kept me out of jail, and I kept him comfortable and happy as I could. IN essence we made the best out of all the shit life had flung at us so fast and furious. We joked about our xmas "tree" that didn't exist, citing emmett otter's "christmas log" and used some of my bonus money to drink our way through the new year,and we used left over champaigne from our wedding for new year's eve. All and all we just truged through, because there was no other option. That's what you do with life, you just DO it. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be very angry, it's okay to just lose it once in a while, but eventually you're gonna have to get off your ass and start over.
And like I said before, you don't know how good you have it until you don't have it good anymore. It's like stupid people. If they didn't exist you wouldn't realise you're smart. If something didn't taste gross you wouldn't know how good everything else tastes. If you don't suffer once in a while you can't fully understand happiness. They would be cheap experiences, all taken for granted, never thought of, nothing would be strived for because you'd be comatose in unrecognised and unappreciated idiot bliss.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 
<<  1    2  >>  


 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owner. The comments are property of their posters, the rest © 2001 by VibeChild.com Add shmeng_syn to your Live Journal Friends List. If you have a website check the webmasters section - You can get this site on your Palm Pilot using This link - By using this website, you are agreeing to abide by our Terms of Use. If you are a bot thinking of spamming members, get your email addresses here
Buy Viagra Without Prescription
Buy Vigra Without Prescription
Buy Viarga Without Prescription
Buy Cialis Without Prescription
Buy Clomid Without Prescription
Buy Levitra Without Prescription
Buy Propecia Without Prescription
Buy Kamagra Without Prescription
Buy Accutane Without Prescription
Buy Zithromax Without Prescription
Buy Amoxil Without Prescription
Buy Zovirax Without Prescription
Buy Deltasone Without Prescription
Buy Topamax Without Prescription
Buy Lexapro Without Prescription
Buy Flomax Without Prescription
Buy Flagyl Without Prescription
Buy Synthroid Without Prescription
Buy Inderal Without Prescription
Buy Tenormin Without Prescription
Buy Keflex Without Prescription
Buy Diflucan Without Prescription
Buy Lasix Without Prescription
Buy Celebrex Without Prescription
Buy Doxycycline Without Prescription
Buy Zocor Without Prescription
Buy Premarin Without Prescription
Buy Celexa Without Prescription
Buy Norvasc Without Prescription
Buy Hydrochlorothiazide Without Prescription
Buy Nexium Without Prescription
Buy Cytotec Without Prescription
Buy Misoprostol Without Prescription
Buy Neurontin Without Prescription
Buy Levaquin Without Prescription
Buy Zyprexa Without Prescription
Buy Astelin Without Prescription
Buy Zetia Without Prescription
Buy Diclofenac Without Prescription
Buy Antabuse Without Prescription
Buy Arimidex Without Prescription
Buy Phenergan Without Prescription
Buy Paxil Without Prescription
Buy Differin Without Prescription
Buy Nizoral Without Prescription
Buy Valtrex Without Prescription
Buy Plan B Without Prescription
Buy Fosamax Without Prescription
Buy Diovan Without Prescription
Buy Betapace Without Prescription
Buy Reglan Without Prescription
Buy Rhinocort Without Prescription
Buy Cozaar Without Prescription
Buy Accupril Without Prescription
Buy Septilin Without Prescription
Buy Zyrtec Without Prescription
Buy Aldactone Without Prescription
Buy Benicar Without Prescription
Buy Flonase Without Prescription
Buy Atacand Without Prescription
Buy Hytrin Without Prescription
Buy Ditropan Without Prescription
Buy Rumalaya Without Prescription
Buy Prinivil Without Prescription
Buy Medrol Without Prescription
Buy Revia Without Prescription
Buy Naltrexone Without Prescription
Buy Parlodel Without Prescription
Buy Atrovent Without Prescription
Buy Aciphex Without Prescription
Buy Zelnorm Without Prescription
Buy Motrin Without Prescription
Buy Avandia Without Prescription
Buy Tetracycline Without Prescription
Buy Epivir Without Prescription
Buy Lamisil Without Prescription
Buy Sinequan Without Prescription
Buy Levlen Without Prescription
Buy Levonorgestrel Without Prescription
Buy Anafranil Without Prescription
Buy Seroquel Without Prescription
Buy Acai Without Prescription
Buy Micardis Without Prescription
Buy Aleve Without Prescription
Buy Claritin Without Prescription
Buy Nimotop Without Prescription
Buy Toprol Without Prescription
Buy Colchicine Without Prescription
Buy Cipro Without Prescription
Buy Tofranil Without Prescription
Buy Zanaflex Without Prescription
Buy Tizanidine Without Prescription
Buy Remeron Without Prescription
Buy Cardura Without Prescription
Buy Femara Without Prescription
Buy Provera Without Prescription
Buy Desyrel Without Prescription
Buy Imitrex Without Prescription
Buy Famvir Without Prescription
Buy Clarinex Without Prescription
Buy Buspar Without Prescription
Buy Lotensin Without Prescription
Buy Exelon Without Prescription
Buy Combivent Without Prescription
Buy Ventolin Without Prescription
Buy Diabecon Without Prescription
Buy Cymbalta Without Prescription
Buy Prilosec Without Prescription
Buy Omeprazole Without Prescription
Buy Flovent Without Prescription
Buy Noroxin Without Prescription
Buy Glucotrol Without Prescription
Buy Plavix Without Prescription
Buy Glucophage Without Prescription
Buy Bactrim Without Prescription
Buy Myambutol Without Prescription
Buy Dostinex Without Prescription
Buy Aricept Without Prescription
Buy Actos Without Prescription
Buy Lukol Without Prescription
Buy Rogaine Without Prescription
Buy Ampicillin Without Prescription
Buy Lamictal Without Prescription
Buy Retin Without Prescription
Buy Lipitor Without Prescription
Buy Chloroquine Without Prescription
Buy Arava Without Prescription
Buy Adalat Without Prescription
Buy Strattera Without Prescription
Buy Cleocin Without Prescription
Buy Relafen Without Prescription
Buy Crestor Without Prescription
Buy Maxalt Without Prescription
Buy Singulair Without Prescription
Buy Allegra Without Prescription
Buy Protonix Without Prescription
Buy Vermox Without Prescription
Buy Estrace Without Prescription
Buy Coumadin Without Prescription
Buy Advair Without Prescription
Buy Diamox Without Prescription
Buy Coreg Without Prescription
Buy Avapro Without Prescription
Buy Leukeran Without Prescription
Buy Prevacid Without Prescription
Buy Requip Without Prescription
Buy Zantac Without Prescription
Buy Erythromycin Without Prescription
Buy Zyvox Without Prescription
Buy Prednisolone Without Prescription
Buy Amaryl Without Prescription
Buy Actonel Without Prescription
Buy Evista Without Prescription
Buy Vantin Without Prescription
Buy Starlix Without Prescription
Buy Luvox Without Prescription
Buy Abilify Without Prescription
Buy Depakote Without Prescription
Buy Lozol Without Prescription
Buy Xenical Without Prescription
Buy Lotrisone Without Prescription
Buy Betnovate Without Prescription
Buy Risperdal Without Prescription
Buy Methotrexate Without Prescription
Buy Wellbutrin Without Prescription
Buy Mobic Without Prescription
Buy Altace Without Prescription
Buy Augmentin Without Prescription
Buy Effexor Without Prescription
Buy Nolvadex Without Prescription
Buy Biaxin Without Prescription
Buy Detrol Without Prescription
Buy Zyban Without Prescription
Buy Elavil Without Prescription
Buy Lioresal Without Prescription
Buy Allopurinol Without Prescription
Buy Lanoxin Without Prescription
Viagra pills canadian
Buy cheap viagra online now
Buy viagra usa
Buy viagra online no prescription
Canada viagra generic
Canadian women viagra
Viagra online without a prescription
Overnight viagra
Cheap viagra usa
Cheap viagra 100mg
Cheap viagra onaline
Viagra 50 mg
Cheap viagra no prescription
Best price viagra
Buy cheap online viagra
Viagra canada
Cheapest prices viagra
Generic viagra online
Viagra pfizer online
Viagra pills
Lowest price viagra
Viagra for sale
Canada no prescription viagra
Buy viagra in usa
Viagra generic
How can i buy viagra online
Buy viagra in canada
Buy viagra no prescription
Canadian viagra online
Overnight canadian viagra
Buy viagra online
Female viagra pills
Discount viagra online
Canadian generic viagra
Generic viagra canada
Cheap canadian viagra
Viagra low price
Viagra canada online pharmacy
Buy viagra online now
Viagra price comparison dosage
How get viagra
Generic viagra overnight
Viagra buy online
Generic viagra price
Viagra how fast does it work
Buy discount viagra
Viagra buy viagra online order viagra
Viagra online
Cost viagra online
Viagra in canada
Viagra online deals
Purchase viagra
Purchase viagra overnight delivery
Viagra for women
Cheap viagra now
Buy viagra
Viagra price
Cost of daily viagra
Viagra brand online
Viagra tablet weight
Viagra buy
Buy viagra on line
Viagra paypal
Viagra no prescriptions
Buy viagra online canada
Viagra online canada
Cheap viagra without a prescription
Buy cheap viagra
Viagra delivered overnight
Buy viagra online usa
Viagra soft tabs online
Buy viagra uk
Cheap viagra pills
Viagra drug
Viagra online no prescription
Generic viagra professional
Order generic viagra
Natural viagra
Buy viagra online wthout prescription
original brand viagra
Buy viagra professional
Low price viagra
Best viagra price
Buy cheap canadian viagra
Next day viagra
What is viagra professional
Viagra from canada
Levitra vs viagra
Buy cheap viagra usa
Viagra lowest price
Generic cialis canada
Cialis generic
Cheap canadian cialis
Cialis 100 mg
Cialis low price
Canadian generic cialis
Cialis pills
Best price cialis
Cialis canada online pharmacy
Cheap cialis usa
Buy cialis 20mg
Buy cialis online now
Cialis price comparison dosage
Canadian women cialis
How get cialis
Generic cialis overnight
Cialis buy online
Generic cialis price
Cialis how fast does it work
Buy discount cialis
Cialis buy cialis online order cialis
Cialis online
Cost cialis online
Cialis in canada
Cialis online deals
Buy cialis online no prescription
Purchase cialis
Purchase cialis overnight delivery
Cialis for women
Cheap cialis now
Discount cialis online
Buy cialis
Cialis 5 mg
Cialis 50 mg
Cialis price
Cost of daily cialis
Cialis brand online
Cialis tablet weight
Cialis buy
Buy cialis on line
Cialis paypal
Cialis no prescriptions
Buy cialis online canada
Cialis online canada
Cheap cialis without a prescription
Buy cheap cialis
Cialis delivered overnight
Buy cialis online usa
Cialis soft tabs online
Buy cialis uk
Cheap cialis pills
cialis drug
Cialis online no prescription
Generic cialis professional
Order generic cialis
Natural cialis
Buy cialis online wthout prescription
Buy cheap online cialis
original brand cialis
Buy cialis professional
Low price cialis
Best cialis price
Buy cheap canadian cialis
Next day cialis
What is cialis professional
Cialis from canada
Levitra vs cialis
Buy cheap cialis usa
cialis lowest price
Buy cialis online
Cialis pills canadian
Buy cheap cialis online now
Buy cialis usa
Canada cialis generic
Cialis online without a prescription
Overnight cialis
Cheap cialis onaline
Cheap cialis no prescription
Cialis canada
Cheapest prices cialis
Generic cialis online
Cialis pfizer online
Lowest price cialis
Cialis for sale
Canada no prescription cialis
Buy cialis in usa
How can i buy cialis online
Buy cialis in canada
Buy cialis no prescription
Canadian cialis online
Overnight canadian cialis
Female cialis pills