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Lemmings on Parade: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
Posted by feralucce on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 10:04 AM PST

Lemmings on Parade
After looking back trhough some of my older work...I stumbled across a piece that I meant to be a multiparter... and decided to give it teh spit and polish adn dump it into the box....

I've always wanted to visit the UK... but since researching this piece... my opinion has changed conesiderably... they are jsut as retarded in their laws as we are... for your enjoyment... more dumb laws...

-No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police. (I can understand this... honestly, it's a mess and a nuisance... but where is the gas pedal on a cow?)
-Since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament. (I have seen some of the parlimental meetings... these guys NEED armor)
-With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.(ummmm.... what?)
-London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.(in a lot of situations, with a little thought, you can see what the original intent was... this one... i .. anybody got a clue?)
-You cannot be drunk in a business liscensed to sell alcohol. (whoa)
-It is illegal to leave baggage unattended. (I can kinda see this one)
-it is considered an act of terrorism to pick up abandoned luggage. (O.o)
-It is a capital crime (punishable by death) to commit suicide. (this one actually made blood shoot out of my eyes as the vessel popped in my brain)
-It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. (wha??)
-Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow. (wait for it!)
-You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight. (there's more!)
-You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close. (soooo... what about the irish!?!)
-A license is required to keep a lunatic.(do they need tags and their shots too?)
-It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow. (...)

and lastly...

- If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby. (i, literally... have thought about this for two hours.... this had to be based ona prank at sometime... but fuck me, what a joke)



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The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom... | Login/Create an account | 15 Comments
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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Apr 21, 2006 - 01:32 PM
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When driving a herd of cows, they don't mean driving like a car, but walking behind the cows and making them move. The word is used that way here in the U.S. as well. I have actually seen a herd of cows driven down the street and the law makes perfect sense to me.

A hackney carriage is actually a horse drawn carriage, so it makes sense to have hay and oats for the horses.

I think the laws about shooting people with arrows are probably from a long time ago, like the silly blue laws here, and no longer apply but people were too lazy to take them off the books anyway. It's understood that it's not polite to shoot people with arrows, no matter which part of the island they hail from.



Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 21, 2006 - 05:29 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
I'm sorry I take issue with that. I think it's damn polite to shoot people with arrows. I mean shooting people with arrows is a kind of respect in my book. Should be considered an honor. Shooting people with guns is not polite.


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on Apr 22, 2006 - 08:26 AM
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*shoots Domkitten with an arrow*

*grin*


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 23, 2006 - 03:42 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
:rolls eyes, mummbles to herself and goes off to nurse her wounds: .... thanks for the compliment...:margle:


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Apr 21, 2006 - 01:35 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.freewebs.com/gothicmorman
wow, this really made me laugh. I'm sure they all made perfect sense when they were made but one would think they would have changed laws in the last few centuries. though the cows one still makes sense being that the word "driven" is farmer jargon and it would be annoying to have to drive at 2mph for four hours while these cows are walking down the road. they do have cow and sheep crossings there like they have train crossings here - you just stop and wait for all the animals to get across.

but anyway - very good ^.^ funny funny.


Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Apr 21, 2006 - 05:36 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
Feral Man,

I hate to disappoint you on this one, but people are being arrested left and right in Texas for being drunk in bars. You heard me, freaking Texas. Undercover agents are going into bars looking for people who are drinking and then walking up to them and pretending to be drunk. They bump into someone and say “man, I’m wasted” to which someone else responds “me, too” and then they slap on the handcuffs. I shit you not.


Read all about it here



Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Starlight on Apr 21, 2006 - 08:45 PM
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Sadly enough, that's a true one. Even sadder is that it's starting to become a national trend. *shudders* I've heard rumors of some places that say not to even be drunk in your own home. That is going way too far in my opinion.


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 22, 2006 - 12:05 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
Well, we all know that drinking, like smoking pot, is not a legal form of recreation in America....oh wait.....fuckers.


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com)
on Apr 23, 2006 - 06:02 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com
Additionally;

+ All English males over the age 14, are to carry out two hours of longbow practice a week, and must be supervised by the local clergy.

+ A Chelsea pensioner may not be impersonated.

+ A bed may not be hung out of a window.

+ Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

+ Placing a postage stamp that bears the queen upside down is considered treason.

+ It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.

+ If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter.

Makes you wonder...


Re: The thing that bugs me
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Apr 23, 2006 - 03:44 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
See, this is the thing that bugs me about blue laws anywhere. It's all fine and well to have some stupid laws on the books, until some decides to start to enforce them, like the law in Texas. It's scary, and with the climate in the US and the UK being what they are right now, it only makes me worry more about "silly" laws that could be rediscovered and enforced on us tomorrow.



Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by W0rmW00d (allchaka@hotmail.com)
on Apr 25, 2006 - 12:57 AM
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Two words for you: Legal firearms. That there is the craziest damn law I ever did see.

There are some fantastic out of date laws all over the place. I do find them funny. It is especially amusing when you find one that is clearly reactive. The sort of 'It is illegal to wear fishnets while singing the national anthem on top of any public building' style of law obviously made because someone was arrested for exactly the above and it was noticed that there was no law stopping them.

The final steam locomotive law is a hangover from the days when there were steam driven carriages, just before the internal combustion engine and the electric car (yes, thats right, there were working electric cars as early as the 1890s). There were about 30 automotive road vehicles on the road and the speed that they could go at was considered dangerous (up to 10 mph in some cases!) for such a vehicle so the speed limit was around 4mph and due to the low number of vehicles on the road having someone to walk in front of them, waving a flag was a viable method of enforcing this speed limit. The law also applied to infernal combustion driven vehicles (I assume electric too) but was, presumably, repealed as cars got faster and more widespread. The steam driven carriage fell by the wayside (pun semi-intended) and so the law regarding them was not.

I particularly like your reading of the liscence for a lunatic law as well. Taken that way it is comedy gold.



Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on Apr 25, 2006 - 03:58 AM
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-It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

For some reason, this made me think of a Monty Python style sketch, involving a topless woman and a tropical fish store.


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by feralucce (feralucce@wayoutonthecorner.com) on Apr 26, 2006 - 08:06 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.wayoutonthecorner.com/feralucce
you, like the rest of our country, have missed the rest of it... the citizen has the right to bear arms in defense of home and country...

as for legal firearms... british hunters have em...


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by W0rmW00d (allchaka@hotmail.com) on Apr 29, 2006 - 04:24 PM
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I know what the amendment says. It is how it is taken that crazes me. To put it bluntly: Firearms are not defensive weapons.


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Re: The glorious Lawmakers of the United Kingdom...
by feralucce (feralucce@wayoutonthecorner.com) on Apr 30, 2006 - 04:11 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.wayoutonthecorner.com/feralucce
thank you for stating the painfully obvious...

BUT... considering the nation's history... it is understandable that the average citizenry would want a gun...

The red coats... The french, the mexican government... they all had reasons to be pissed, because, after all americans were just brits wth less refinement at the time... but they were also arms... add to that, mountain lions, bears, snakes and a whole host of natual unpleasantness, they were a requirement in the early history of the nation and the survival of its people...

faulting guns, though, is not accurate, NOR does it solve shit... it is the attitude of the people... and frankly on the whole... I am more afraid of UK football fans than I am of the average person with a gun.

FURTHER... "when you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns"... it is too late to tunr back thje clock... you strip the average citizen of their right to carry... and you will find that just as many will hurt others with bats knives or bows...because tehy are fucking stupid...

Personally... I own several firearms... but I am also an expert marksman... and my choice of weapon for home defense... actually I should say choice of weaponS... are a mossberg 12guage repeater... with no ammo... you rack that sumbitch and the person leaves... no questions asked... and the one that holds my heart is a double bladed battle axe...

My point is, this country was forged in conflict and liquid shit... you cannot take a poeple make them tame a land like north america, then try to tell them "you're ours"... have them fight nature, native americans, the french, the mexicans, and themselves and NOT expect them to be a country of violent psychopaths...

LASTLY... you sit beck where ever you are at, and have since you fucking joined this site, and bitch about all that america is or does... it's easy when you are not here... shush, most of us are doing the best we can... and if you ARE here...shut the fuck up, get off your ass and fix what you are bitching about..


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