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Dream Analysis: Very Unsettling Dream... |
Posted by
Psychopixi on Tuesday, April 18, 2006 - 12:24 AM PST
So, where did this all begin? I died.
Seriously, that's how the dream began. I died, and they put my body in the ground, but my soul was already on the way to re-incarnation. I was born as this tiny little baby girl, to two useless inept parents, and from the moment I popped out I knew things were wrong. I was still me.
I still had all the knowledge, all the thoughts and feelings that I have now, but I couldn't talk. I could just make these stupid baby noises and I was so lonely. I wanted to find my real parents, my friends, and most of all, Stewart. Try calling 118 when you're three months old and can't talk.
I had to start over from scratch. By the time I'd mastered talking I didn't see how I could possibly call anyone up that I used to know. Can you imagine a small child's voice coming down the phone line, telling you that it was your dead friend? Somehow, that wasn't going to work.
I went to school, and was bored out of my mind. Primary school maths and english wasn't exactly a challenge. As I got older it seemed less and less reasonable to try and find anyone. Stewart would have moved on. I didn't know where he was, or what he was doing. I didn't even know if he was still living in Wales.
So I grew up. I got to sixteen, and applied to be emancipated from my parents. They were chavscum, and as soon as I could be away from them, the better for me. I started thinking again about finding Stewart, and I decided to move down to Swansea. Everything was different. 02 didn't even exist any more. I went to our flat, and the building was completely changed. Some lawyer's offices. So I followed through on my original plan, back when I was a baby, and called directory enquiries. Shockingly enough, they found him, and gave me the number.
I think I must have wasted a good few weeks, just looking at the damn number, and trying to work out what to say. Even a sixteen year old voice isn't going to be taken seriously when it's telling you that it is actually your dead girlfriend. So I figured I would call up, and ask if we could meet up. Crazy idea probably, considering he'd think I was some random weirdo, and probably try and avoid me from then on, but it was worth a shot.
I called up. It was so strange, listening to his voice again. I was sixteen, and he was thirty eight. That's one heck of an age difference. I told him that I really needed to talk to him, I just wanted one meeting, and he could walk away if he wanted to, but please - just that one meeting. I suggested Crowley's, and I think that might have piqued his interest. Of course, Crowley's didn't exist any more. It hadn't done for over ten years, and he must have been wondering how I'd even heard of it. We settled on a small coffee shop which I'd walked past several times. It had reminded me of the Java.
When it actually came time to meet him I was a nervous wreck. I got there an hour early, and tried to plan out what I was going to say. I thought of all the different ways I could begin. Should I launch straight into it? Should I just start off by saying hi, and asking how he was? As he walked up the stairs I realised there was only one way I could begin; I burst into tears.
I was the only one up there, and probably the only sixteen year old in the whole shop, and he walked straight over to me. It was so horrible, having remembered him as being twenty two and wholly in love with the twenty year old me, and now seeing him at thirty eight, wondering who the hysterical sixteen year old was... Maybe that's why I started off with the damn stupid comment of "I didn't want to die."
Sure Pixi, way to convince him that you're not crazy.
He seemed to ignore my outburst though, and sat down opposite me. I just looked at him through my hands, and kept right on crying. He was there; I was looking right at him but I didn't know what to say, how to begin. After about ten minutes my sobs subsided to annoying hiccuping gasps, and he asked me if I was going to be okay.
"I don't know," I told him, "that depends on whether you belive me."
"I don't even know who you are."
Well that brought things to a point. I couldn't just blurt out 'I'm Pixi' though. I spent at least another ten minutes telling him that I really desperately needed to tell him something, but it wouldn't be easy for him to believe. He just had to trust me. I think I promised him about seven times that I wasn't crazy.
After he'd promised a suitable number of times that he wasn't about to just walk out, I asked if he believed in reincarnation. I explained that when someone is reincarnated then for a short while they remember their past life, but as they grow older their new life takes over, and most of the time once the child has learned to speak it's forgotten all about it's previous life. Sometimes though, when the new life is particularly horrible, or the soul desperately wants to remember then a person will remember. Everything.
I told him I remembered Crowley's, and the Office. I remembered 02, and GAME. I remembered his father, his sisters, their sons... a horrible thought struck me. What if he was married now? What if he had children and a wife and 9-5 job and a ladrador and a white picket fence? I told him that I remembered that when he was 22 he never wanted to be married or have children. I remembered Dandelion and Burdock. I remembered our flat. I remembered being Pixi.
For a minute, maybe longer, I thought he was just going to walk out. I started crying again. I told him that I hadn't wanted to die, and I hadn't wanted to leave him and I couldn't stand the fact that he was staring straight through me like I was some stranger when I wasn't. I wasn't a stranger, I was his Pixi, and I'd always thought - always kidded myself that he'd know that. That he'd be able to just look past the upset sixteen year old and realise that it was really me, and why didn't he know this?
He told me that Pixi was dead, and I wanted to curl up and die. Again. He said that anyone could have found out what I'd just told him, and why did I want to make him believe I was someone I couldn't possibly be? I think I screamed at him. I told him that the last things I'd bought had been three DVDs and a book, how could I have known that if I wasn't me? I told him that I had just booked an appointment to have the wuzhys snipped. I told him things that were small and trivial and which couldn't possibly have been recorded in any way, for a sixteen year old school girl to look up and get ideas from. I told him things that no-one else could have known because we wouldn't have told anyone.
Thoughout my screaming, crying rant, the look in his face got more and more shocked. I think he believed me. Some of the things I told him no-one else could have known, and I think it scared him. He was looking down at me, his thirty eight year old face pale white and he opened his mouth to say something... and I woke up. I woke up crying, and wondering what he was going to say, and an hour and a half later I was still sniffling.
I know this wasn't the weirdest of dreams, it seems more like an old fashioned, distinctly cheesy, love story, but my gods it was so powerful. I still feel upset now, and every emotion I felt in the dream felt so fucking real it was scary, and it definitely made an impact on me. Does anyone want to analyse this for me? I've already had the suggestion that it was due to the ham sandwich I ate the night before...
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Average Rating : 3.5
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Very Unsettling Dream... | Login/Create an account | 9 Comments |
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream...
by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com)
on Apr 18, 2006 - 02:08 AM
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What is most unsettling with this dream is how it reads more like an imagination than a dream. Or even an experience. It sounds way too real and sane for a dream.
It's a mental exercise I catch myself putting myself through when I'm bored. What if I could take the me I am now, with all the knowledge and experience I have gained, and go back to the beginning of life and start over? How would I do it different? And I've thought about all those things - the frustration of being an infant, unable to communicate or do much of anything, being dependent on people I don't love or trust, the problem of going to school to learn things that I already know, the problem of having an adult mind in an underage body, and being attracted to people who see me as a child, or just jailbait. Minus the reincarnation bit and the personal associations, I've considered all this... when I was awake!
I won't even begin to try to touch this one - but one thing, I'll bet it's more than just a ham sandwich.
Was there anything in the dream that would clue you in that it was a dream? Any pink elephants, or other weird, unrealistic twists?
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream... by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com) on Apr 19, 2006 - 11:19 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | Nope, but the realism isn't unusual. That's what all my dreams are like. They're always set in very "real" surroundings, although sometimes it's a completely different landscape (desert, lots of factories, a shop or building I've never seen before, etc...)
I was definitely asleep for this, although I could still remember it in this much detail when I woke up. I have thought about that kind of thing before, but never in such an upsetting way, or with it happening in quite that way. I've thought about time rewinding, so I'm still me, and get born on 14th October 1985, but remember everything up until now. |
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream...
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Apr 19, 2006 - 06:01 AM
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My guess, and this is just a guess but you might have some issues over your own identity in a current relationship. It's obvious you give a damn, and a powerful damn at that...but you may as of yet be unsure as to what role you actually occupy, what place in the heart you hold.
Neat dream tho, I can understand how something like that can be pretty thunderous, especially immediatly after waking, that sounds like one of those ones that leaves you blinking in the dark for a couple hours with your heart doing a two-step in your throat.
Hope its a scary good omen though, sometimes the good ones can be powerful trippy.
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream... by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com) on Apr 19, 2006 - 11:25 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | That's something like Squid made of it - he replied to my journal post about it. He thinks it's a sign I'm changing and/or questioning my identity and the implications it will have on those around me.
Maybe this is partly true, as although our relationship is still going strong, I have been thinking about it recently, just because it's been over two years now, and we're thinking about buying a house of our own. That's kinda scary stuff, although I feel positive about it.
I definitely hope it's a scary good omen! |
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Apr 20, 2006 - 07:07 AM
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I read this dream earlier today but had to sit and think about it a bit to come to any idea of what it could possibly mean. I think perhaps it represents that you have hidden some part of yourself away from your partner and are failing to communicate those meaningless things that are overwhelmingly important to you, but seem silly, juvenile, and ridiculous.
A lot of this reads as if you feel that in the relationship you are far less mature then your partner, and that even with this mild gap in lives it still seems like ages, he outdistances you in a nighttime dreaming and you fear you will never catch up, but at the same time fear loosing him or worse yourself.
Why do you fear losing yourself? It’s not a death thing, it strikes me as a deeply rooted fear of loosing your place in this now. Fear of change would certainly be among the top candidates. You mention buying a house, and that is a huge change, a step out of adolescent twenty and into something like maturity. It could be that you fee already bond down, tied to a future that you may not be ready for. This could stir up a great deal of turmoil. It’s moving to an adulthood, in a way killing of a youth full of fancy, perhaps that is what it comes from. You are not ready to settle down, but you see your lover as being more mature, more prepared, more willing to commit to what might be defined as adulthood.
I read a lot of fear in your dream Pixi. I can understand why it still bothers you even now…..
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream... by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com) on Apr 23, 2006 - 05:52 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | It's funny; while writing up the dream I realised it sounded like I might be feeling that Stewart is more mature than me, and that I'm falling behind, but I honestly don't think that's so. I'd say that if anything I feel more mature than him. I think that I deal with the more "grown up" things, like bills and money better than he does, and I'd like to think I have a more mature outlook on life generally.
That's not a major criticism of him - I enjoy the independance being grown up brings, and I'm really looking forwards to being able to have a house of our own (not just a rented flat) and even to having a good job and being settled after leaving university.
I think that I have always looked forwards to being independant, and possibly have always been quite sensible for my age, maybe just because of how I've grown up. I don't want to say that I've always been mature for my age, because even now I can let loose and get silly, but I have looked forwards to the kinda things which I'm only just starting to get now.
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream... by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 23, 2006 - 03:45 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net | If you are dreaming about it like this, it may be far more unconcious and subtle. I don't know that you would think any of these things in your waking, but when your mind is free to wander some of it comes up. Or, I could be talking out o' my bottom, but it's hard to say. |
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream...
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Apr 20, 2006 - 07:07 AM
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You said in the dream you told him that you remembered at 22 that he never wanted to get married and have children - yet you obviously love him very much and said you don't want to leave him. Do you guys plan to stay together without getting married or are his long term thoughts differing from yours in that way - maybe giving you cause to fear separation?
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Re: Very Unsettling Dream... by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com) on Apr 23, 2006 - 05:43 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | Neither of us wants to get married, or have children, although I think I'm a bit more open to the idea than he is. I don't really think that marriage is neccessary between us, I'm happy with the with the way we are as far as long term security goes. As for the children, although I think I might change my mind in the future, I really don't want any now. I think I'd be far too selfish to raise a child, and I -want- to be that selfish right now. I need to finish my degree and settle myself into a good job and a nice home before even considering children. |
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