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Feature: Coming to Terms
Posted by daria_4 on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 05:19 AM PST

Passive Suicidal Ideologies. Thatís what the doctor called it. I had gotten to a point where although I did not want to go through the act of killing myself, I would rather have been dead than have to keep going back to my job every day.

I realize Iím not the first person to ever be depressed (and I do mean clinically, thus sayeth a practicing Psychiatrist). I think I may be the first in my family to be diagnosed as such. This is definitely the first time Iíve ever been depressed.

Even before being clinically diagnosed with depression, I used to hate the way people threw around the term. No matter how angsty my teen years were, I knew I wasnít depressedóand neither were most of my friends.

The first time I met anyone with clinical depression was in college. I found out then just how many people were on anti-depressant medication(s). I never thought much of it until last January when my doctor suggested I go on Prozac. That very day, I picked up my prescription forty minutes after my appointmentóall done in time for lunchóbut I didnít take any pills that day. Suddenly, I was about to become one of ďthose people.Ē But who were they? Although I had known people on medication for depression, I had never made any negative judgments about their predicaments. And yet, with it happening to me, it became something badóanother skeleton for my closet.
I took my first pill the next day.

A friendóclose for the amount of time weíve known each otheróhad recently attempted suicide. We worked in the same place. I visited him while he was in the hospital. He wasnít in a padded room, but he was in a ward. He had to check out a pen from the front desk to be able to write in his journal. They wouldnít let him have the teddy bear I brought to him because it was considered an ďunsafeĒ item. Hell of a place.
Talking to him about what both of us were going through felt pretty good. Being able to laugh about it felt better, if a little strange. I began to think it wasnít so bad after all, getting help. It certainly saved Charlieís life. He was obviously so much happier with himself and the direction in which his life was now headed. It makes me wonder when he wonít be depressed anymore, when I wonít be depressed anymore.

I sometimes worry that if things are better now that Iím off the ship, maybe I wasnít really that bad off in the first place; maybe I could have made it those last few weeks and gone on to an awesome two-year shore duty instead of being on a temporary shore duty in limbo, waiting to find out if Iím being medically retired from the Navy or not. I should be happy; this is probably my early outÖ but instead I just doubt myself. Does the fact that I can even have these thoughts give weight to the ideas presented therein?

Despite what any of this may sound like, I donít want a pity party. I just want a little understanding of whatís going on with me. Iíve always been a fairly well adjusted person; itís a little hard not to beóparticularly now. Itís hard, but not surprising. When things were at their worst about five months ago, I remember ranting about being strong and responsible and mature for other people in my life, and wondering who was ever going to do those things for me. Just for onceÖ

I usually do insane amounts of research about anything medical that has to do with me. I probably knew more about my IUD than the doctor who gave it to me. Iím the kind of person who actually reads the entire insert that comes with tampons and birth control pills. While I did do some research on self-mutilation, I have avoided typing the words, clinical depression, into Google. Though I havenít even looked, Iím fairly certain thereís more information on depression than I care to try to sift through. Not as a matter of research, I watched the film but neglected to read the book, Prozac Nation. I donít remember if she actually said it or not, but I seem to recall the sentiment that while she was on Prozac, the main character still felt like herself, but not quite. Iím not sure thereís any better way to describe it, really. Iím still me, but Iím not exactly myself lately.

It hasnít started yet, but Iím supposed to go to some sort of group therapy. Dialectic Behavior Therapy, I think itís called. It has more to do with the self-mutilatory behavior than with the depression. Iím actually a little anxious for it to start. Although things are a million times better now that Iím out of that toxic environment, I still feel like there are things I need to talk about. Iím not entirely sure what those things are; I just know I need to talk. I suppose this article is a product of that need.

About ten sentences into this thing, I titled it. I think there was some sort of direction I meant to take it in after that, but Iím not sure I really have come to terms with my situation. Iíve accepted some things, but it still feels like a far cry from coming to terms with it all. Despite the relatively small size of my measly 20mg, Prozac is a hard pill for me to swallow.

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Coming to Terms | Login/Create an account | 14 Comments
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Re: Coming to Terms
by callei on Mar 31, 2006 - 02:14 PM
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D, I am there with you. There is a lot of information out there about depression and most of it is dry and clinical or ads for medications. But the fact that you dont want to research it indicated that you really do have bad depression. I have never known you to not want to learn everything you could about anything that involved you or interested you before.
my heart goes out to ya sweetie. I hope the pills are helping and that the therapy is helping and that being away from the toxic work environment is helping. I hope also that a virtual hug from me to you helps too.


Re: Coming to Terms
by daria_4 (-) on Apr 03, 2006 - 05:01 AM
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The hug helps more than any of the other stuff. Thanks.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Apr 04, 2006 - 12:01 PM
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I am relatively depressed a lot of the time, my mom has been persistent about it and it kind of goes up and down in a great yearly cycle but i have avoided going on meds at all costs. With that I have avoided getting help at all costs. I don't want to get professional help because they will most likely put me on meds and that is it - i won't get any real help so im just trying to deal with it myself. its not really bad so im surviving. It would probably be good for you to research it. I always find researching problems (especially over the internet) brings me to find other people's stories of how they have struggled with problems and it keeps in mind that nobody is totally alone in the world.

Re: Coming to Terms
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 05, 2006 - 08:14 PM
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Um, frankly, you donít have to go on meds to see a therapist about problems you are having in your life. In fact if you are resoundingly against anything to do with meds than you can seek out the services of a psychoanalyst, who unlike a psychiatrist, cannot write a prescription for medication. Psychoanalysts are, as far as Iím concerned, the best kind of talk therapy, have a real way of getting to the root of ones problems, and help to teach you skills that you can apply that will be valuable ways of avoiding similar problem clusters in the future.

If you need help get help. If you need help and donít want to take meds then be upfront about it and say that. Donít lump every field of mental service into the category of ďthe only way to fix it is to take pillsĒ there are many ways to get help, and not all of them will prescribe meds.

Personally, I donít like the thought of using meds to balance out my brain chemistry. Iíd rather use alcohol.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com) on Apr 06, 2006 - 12:49 AM
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haha, yeah - alcohol unbalances my stomach though O.O

If I had the money for a psychoanalyst then maybe, I want to work it out myself though. I have been taken to counsellors (the ones my mother gets free through work type thing) the first one was buzzed when we got there and the second one was just crazy and didn't understand a word I said. I'm don't need it though, not reeeeeeally. Good friends and hugs are great support. My mom just pokes at me to go on meds, which is why i am so bitter.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by daria_4 (-) on Apr 06, 2006 - 05:32 AM
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I'd like to piggyback and say that while a psychiatrist CAN prescribe meds, they're not necessarily going to force them on you. When my doctor first suggested it, he said I didn't have to decide right then if I wanted to take them or not--I could wait until my next appointment, and even then, the choice was still mine. My next appointment wasn't for another three weeks, so despite the fact that I wasn't keen on taking meds, I was grasping for anything to help. I knew I wouldn't make it for another three weeks without something, so I opted to try the medicine. I could have said no, and even though I am in the military and my doc outranked me by quite a bit, he wasn't going to order me to take them.
Whether it's professional help or not, I hope you're able to maintain the support system you say you've got, gothicmormon. Best of luck.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 06, 2006 - 06:30 AM
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Three weeks!?!?!?!?!

That is crazy. When I was in therapy, when I first started anyway, I met my shrink twice a week. I can't imagine having managed to get through some of that without the very regular sessions. Even when we finally managed to get me down to once a week there were still times when I wished I could schedule an emergency session. I think considering the length there you made the right decision, that is a hell of a long time to wait. If you can find a more regular doc that would probably be very helpful.

The great thing about docs though, is they really do take your choice into consideration. Even though my therapist could not perscribe medications, she was very upfront with me in the first session, that if she felt I really did need something, she would have a second doctor sit in for a consult if she felt meds were required. I was very adament about not being on any kinds of drugs, and found a doctor that would not be able to prescribe, but even that did not completely eliminate the possibility.

Further, therapy, like anything else, requires time and patience. One should definately interview therapists to find one that will be right for you, and the free ones rarely are the ones you want to be seeing. You find one your comfortable with and you will know it. The results are truly worth it.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by daria_4 (-) on Apr 06, 2006 - 07:24 AM
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I didn't have much of a choice on the three week thing. That was all he had, and if I wanted to see the same person, that's what I had to do. I don't exactly have a choice in who I see because of the military aspect (I've had a different person do my PAP for the last six years--sucks!). I really do like the Psychiatrist I have; that visit was an initial psychiatric evaluation. Considering what my goals were at the time, the three week thing made sense--I wasn't really in therapy yet.
I do have a counselor I can see more often who doesn't do meds or even see my medical record. In fact, other than having to tell my boss I'm going to an appointment, the Navy doesn't even track when I see her. I went to see her first, and she's the one who suggested the psych eval. I still see her now; she's awesome. Very easy to talk to; plus she's prior Navy so she knows what it's really like.
I found out recently that she's seeing 19 people from my ship... that's a really big deal since there's only 250 people assigned to it. She said she almost had that many once from a bigger ship (think, a thousand people). She brought it up to her chain of command that there is probably something seriously wrong with that ship, but I don't know if anything came of it or not.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on Apr 06, 2006 - 11:00 AM
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I've been late to post on this one because it's hitting too close to home for me at the moment.

I've been off and on depressed for years. There's no real reason I can point to... it's too late for it to still be postpartum, my life isn't nearly as crazy as it was in my childhood, I have all of my needs taken care of and no severe upsets in my life. I have friends, a decent social life, and a wonderful family, so I'm not emotionally isolated. There's nothing wrong.

Still, once in a while, I fall into a pit of loneliness and despair so dark and cold, it's terrifying. I rage against my family, become withdrawn from my friends, and feel incredibly hurtful toward myself. I cry a lot. I don't do myself actual physical harm... mostly because I'm really good at talking myself out of it. When I have an episode, I can actually feel my mental state deteriorating. It's like everything gets confused and all I can think is rage, hate, despair and unhappiness. I think all kinds of deluded thoughts, mostly ones that focus on the "fact" that no one really cares for me, that I'm a burden to everyone who knows me, that I have no real purpose here, and at the time, it all seems so plausible. I imagine that those who are closest to me, in fact, hate me and are using me or being mean to me. It all seems so real. And it hurts so much. And I have no idea what can be done about it. I don't even know where the real problem is. So, when I have an episode, I tell myself it's not real and that it will pass. And I get drunk. Getting drunk helps me not focus on how crappy I'm feeling. I also force myself to be out around people, intereacting with people who are simply out having a good time and who enjoy my company in an undemanding way really helps distract me from the bad thoughts.

When I'm coming off an episode, I wonder if I ought to get help. That maybe it would be better for myself and more importantly, for those who have to deal with me on a regular basis, if I were to just go get drugged to my eyeballs so I don't make everyone around me miserable. Or at least go find a therapist to talk to and keep my head straight and maybe resolve some of the issues I've been trying to psychoanalyze out of myself for years. I never actually make that call. Part of it is that I'm lazy. Part of it is, like Daria, that I'm scared. I'm afraid of being drugged. I'm afraid of being one of "those people". I'm afraid of being like my mother. My mother is bipolar. She is constantly telling me that it's hereditary, and that she thinks that I and my daughter have it. She also thinks that I have Adult ADD. I might. No one will ever know what's really wrong with me, because I won't go to a doctor and find out. I'll just kick back and self medicate with alcohol and wait for the blow up that will permanently alienate my family and friends and leave me with nobody and nothing. Or die from liver poisoning.

I know I ought to get help. It's so hard to actually make that call, though. To admit, once and for all, that I don't have it together like everyone thinks I do. That I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. It's like admitting defeat and thinking about it makes me feel worse than ever.

Thanks for posting this, Daria. I know that you're a strong woman who has it together. Thanks for showing me that it's not a weakness or something to be ashamed of to get help. I hope that your therapy helps you get through your pain quickly.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Apr 04, 2006 - 03:33 PM
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This like everything else can be gotten through. Do you feel the meds are working for you now, and helping to even out everything?

Getting any kind of clinical diagnosis of not being complete right all around is freaky and doesnít do wonders for anyone, but it is sometimes nice to know that there is actually something going on and that you can do things for it.

I think your decisions about your future will end up working out the way they are supposed to, even if you doubt right now that you are making the best decisions. Transition periods are always the worst and it doesnít help when you know youíve got something going on inside your own brain and body on top of that.

Group therapy can be really wonderful. College for me, in many ways, was nothing but four years of group therapy. Did wonders for me, I tell ya!

I hope it all goes well. Keep us posted.

Re: Coming to Terms
by daria_4 (-) on Apr 05, 2006 - 06:23 AM
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Sometimes I can't tell if it's the meds or my life moving in a better direction that is helping--probably both, but I can't tell which is which at any given moment. I know that the meds are having some effect because there was a period of three days that I went without (not on purpose--had trouble refilling) while I was still on the ship and I was an emotional wreck by the end of that three days.

I'm looking forward to Group. It doesn't start until the 20th, but I have a counselor I will be seeing before then.

Thanks for the support. All in all, things are looking up. I'm just muddling through it better on some days than on others.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net) on Apr 05, 2006 - 08:16 PM
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I know how that feels, I once got put on birth control to balance out my cycle, instead it ended up breaking me into a balling heap of sucidial aggression, never would touch that stuff again after that.... Keep on doing what you need to do, you wil be okay. Be totally honest with yoru counselor, as that tends to help make everything else go smoothly.

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Re: Coming to Terms
by Kira on Apr 07, 2006 - 10:39 AM
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I went through a similar period a few years back, and it really opened my eyes to how thin the line between "relatively happy, well adjusted person" and "near suicidal" can be.

I've always heard that when you have a relationship that ends, it often takes at least half the time the relationship lasted to get over it. I think it may be true for traumatic experiences as well. Give yourself some time, and don't be too hard on yourself.

You're an amazing person. Big hugs.

Re: Coming to Terms
by blackrose (-)
on Dec 22, 2007 - 07:09 PM
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I have just only made arrangements myself for the same thing.It's becoming too much for me to handle.I'm getting diagnosed next week.I've got a feeling it may be more than clinical depression though.I'm a little scared,but I'd rather know what's going on for certain than to be stuck in limbo.Please take care of yourself.I'll be waiting to hear how you're doing.

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