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| Lemmings on Parade: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws |
Posted by
feralucce on Friday, May 30, 2003 - 04:02 AM PST
In the United States of America, I have come to be appalled by the fact that a good majority of our law makers were also lawyers. Professionally, these individuals spend their time finding the best way to rape the laws, and I find that it abhorrent that the lawyers write the laws. Or… I did.
Recently, a group of friends and I stumbled across a law that makes it illegal to engage in oral sex in the state of Missouri. After reading this absurd law, we did research and compiled a list of retarded laws from all over the place. I think we’ll start with Missouri, since that is where I am currently.
Missouri
It is illegal to have oral sex. (I’m screwed)
Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. (soft ones are apparently ok)
Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (There aren’t words)
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. (yeah, they might run away)
Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. (GUILTY!)
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (Ummm… ok)
One may not honk another's horn. (what about another’s nose?)
Then we move on to Louisiana, because I grew up there.
It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers. (There goes my vacation)
Stealing an alligator could land a person in jail for up to ten years. (Well damn, now you tell me!)
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (How else do you tell em it’s all a joke?”
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant (*blink… blink… blink…*)
It’s illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. (not gonna touch it)
No person may predict another's future. (I am so busted)
It is illegal to have sex with a cow. (Please!!!)
Drive-thru liquor stores are outlawed. (wow… who’d a thought?)
Then Florida, cause I am considering moving there.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. (just don’t double park)
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (ummm… why?)
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (this one is a no brainer)
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (OUCH!)
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (skateboarding IS a crime)
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. (thank god for that one)
It is considered an offense to shower naked. (words defy this!)
You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (can I kiss someone else’s wife’s breasts?)
It is illegal to sell your children. (how else am I supposed to save for college)
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. (of course… pigs are people too)
The molestation of trash cans is banned. (shoulda told me sooner)
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. (KFC?)
Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. (is this really a problem here???)
Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. (damnit, and I just got it back from the cleaners)
Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron. (doesn’t this defeat the purpose?)
SO… we can see the states are nuts… let’s try the feds
October 15 is designated as White Cane Safety Day. (on behalf of everyone, I say What the FUCK???)
Persons may be placed in jail for up to five years for shooting a hole in a penny. (Like this was a real big problem)
It is illegal to give free alcohol to Indians who live on reservations. (????????????)
To be a dominatrix is illegal. (well… I better go tell evanne… she’ll be pissed!)
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings. (this… honestly…is completely beyond me…)
No person may appear as a contestant in more than one game show a year. (what about the reigning champion???)
Well… We’re fucked. Shakespeare said “Kill all the lawyers.” I say, “Let them live, for they amuse me.
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| These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws | Login/Create an account | 27 Comments |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on May 30, 2003 - 02:15 PM
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I believe that it is philledelphia that outlaws the painting of a horse the color blue. Who'd have thought.
In washington state it is perfectly acceptable to open a tattoo shop, no liscence, no training, no health regulations, whatever, as long as you have a sign that says "no spitting" posted.
A LOT of those laws make ABSOLUTELY no sense, but a few of them sort of scare me, because you KNOW someone HAD to do it for them to make it illegal. Like the porcupine affair. That's just begging for rotten.com 's "fuck of the month".
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by IamSquid (undisclosed) on Jun 03, 2003 - 01:18 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http:// | | No spitting? then how do yoo clean the needles? Lawmakers are morons! |
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Ah HA!
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on May 31, 2003 - 08:48 AM
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::Scribbles out a new checklist for the year:: It maybe a little late to have a new years resolution and all...but this one is good enough to come in this late...I wonder how long it'll take me to break all those weird-assed laws like that...I give me five minutes.
Nice work, I've heard of some of these...and the only thing I can attribtue them to is strange occurance and weird, weird shit. >Shrug< Sad thing is...are we really surprised?
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Re: Ah HA!
by Erishkigal on May 31, 2003 - 11:52 AM
(User info | Send a Message) | | I love reading these things, I'm sad like that. I dont think we have too many weird ones in the UK. Mostly ones like the mental asylum one which I am sure will one day work in my favour. |
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Re: Ah HA!
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on May 31, 2003 - 04:03 PM
(User info | Send a Message) | Dolo, can I videotape you breaking the sex with a porcupine law? That's entertainment I'd like to see again and again... :-D
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Re: Ah HA!
by Erishkigal on May 31, 2003 - 04:09 PM
(User info | Send a Message) | | Personally I'm more keen to see him in the strapless gown. |
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Re: Ah HA!
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on May 31, 2003 - 08:10 PM
(User info | Send a Message) | | How about wearing the strapless gown while having sex with a porcupine? Let's see just how many of these we can combine... |
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Re: Ah HA!
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com) on Jun 02, 2003 - 04:29 AM
(User info | Send a Message) | Now THAT sounds like a night right there...it's on, although I'll have to get to know the porcupine first, make sure we have chimestry.
Although I'd like to eat the beast afterwards, if thats ok. |
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Re: Ah HA!
by dead-cell (Tarant-9@stribmail.com) on Jun 02, 2003 - 10:27 AM
(User info | Send a Message) | | So its just going to be a one night stand with some random cow then? |
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Re: Ah HA!
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolfathotmaildotcom) on Jun 04, 2003 - 12:08 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com | Ewww...
But it would be full of your manjuices.
And what if you used some kind of lube to help with the relations, you'd have to make sure that it was one that tasted good. |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by dead-cell (Tarant-9@stribmail.com)
on May 31, 2003 - 01:35 PM
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Seriously Funny, but I couldn't resist posting these I found.
INDIANA:
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. (all righty, Hail almighty Devin )
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (so the laws of mathematics don’t apply here)
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (no comment)
TEXAS:
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos. (This is a law why?)
Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense. (still why?)
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.(but on the first and third floor its legal)
Dallas-It's illegal to possess realistic dildos. (why again?)
UTAH:
It is illegal not to drink milk. (sounds like a double negative)
It is considered an offense to hunt whales. (in Utah?)
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them. (damnit to hell!)
It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. (but its legal to own a nuke)
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. (cause dancing after dark is work of the Devil)
NEVADA:
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. (but think of the gas mileage)
Elko- Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. (how odd…)
Eureka-Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. (its not likely that men with moustaches kiss women at all)
ARIZONA:
Prescott-No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. (cowboy lawyers??)
Hunting camels is prohibited. (just had to spoil my fun.)
It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. (not to mention cocaine)
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. (…?)
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolfathotmaildotcom) on Jun 04, 2003 - 11:54 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com | | that law about PI in indiana is a joke I believe, it's somewhere on snopes.com, but the connection in DC sucks so I'll let you look it up yourself. |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Starlight (elenmea@hotmail.com) on Jun 04, 2003 - 11:48 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/nony_one/index.html | INDIANA:
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (no comment)
We live in Michigan about 15 miles or so from the Indiana state line (and a much larger city than we live in). So we do a lot of our shopping, and roaming around in Indiana, and my husband and I try to violate the "male anti-arousal" law as often as possible. It's our duty to do so I think.
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com)
on Jun 01, 2003 - 01:18 PM
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Washington has some great ones.
1) It's illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than 6 feet long.
2) In kent it is illegal to take someones virginity (who's the criminal bettie_x?)
3) when entering Seattle with the intent of comitting a crime, you are required to call up the police chief and tell him what you are going to do.
4) Lollipops are banned
5) Destroying another person's beer bottle is illegal. (Maybe not a bad thing)
The age of consent in washington is 16, but "communicating with a minor (defined as under 18) for immoral purposes" is a crime. The idea is that you can do it, but can't talk about it. (No wonder so many serial killers grow up here). The problem is, if you can't talk about it, it's non-consentual - and therefore, rape.
This is the site everyone wants to look at: http://www.dumblaws.com/
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by feralucce on Jun 01, 2003 - 04:10 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://feralucce.vibechild.com | *grins* well... not entirely true... the deffinition of communication far exceeds speech AND... consent can be shown without speech as well..
Feral |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com) on Jun 02, 2003 - 12:40 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://devin.vibechild.com/ | | Consent can be shown without speech but the law doesn't say speech. If you can communicate consent, then you are communicating with a minor for immoral purposes. It's a loophole they use to selectively prosecute. They want to be able to have the age of consent be effectively 18, but still be able to say it's 16 to anyone who opposes the 18 thing. Washington politics is all about not pissing off people on either side of an issue, at the expense of the issue itself. That's why they can't build roads or public transportation that works. |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on Jun 02, 2003 - 01:45 PM
(User info | Send a Message) | Thanks for that link, Devin...
I always knew there was something seriously wrong with Ohio... there are many weird things about this state, not the least of which are these gems:
It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (I've known people who were not above breaking this one for fun.)
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. (A surprising number of people here actually obey this law to the letter.)
Breast feeding is not allowed in public. (There is however, a law stating that women are not prohibited from being topless... we have a woman in our neighborhood that mows her lawn topless.)
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. (Why? Just what is dangerous about more than five women living together?)
In Canton, OH
Electric fences are banned. I believe there must be a very good reason for this one.
If you lose your pet tiger, you must call the police within one hour.
In Cleveland, you may not catch mice without a hunting liscense. (Does that include cats?)
and my favorite is Strongsville, where Catch 22 is banned. (Wonder if they mean just the book or the whole concept?)
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolfathotmaildotcom) on Jun 04, 2003 - 12:07 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com | actually, I believe that 5 women or more breaking the law thing is annother goof spread around by the internet.
I really wish i could get on Snopes from this office...
But anyways, is the woman who mows the lawn topless goodlooking?
and if so, where exactly do you live?l |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolfathotmaildotcom) on Jun 04, 2003 - 12:03 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com | I don't know, that age of consent thing sounds like the perfect one night stand.
You just take your pants off, and if she hops on, then it's all good. The no communication means no small talk, no awkward pick-up lines, and in the long run, no emotional attachment.
Just pure mindless sex. |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by IamSquid (undisclosed)
on Jun 03, 2003 - 01:19 AM
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Nothing beats the $500 fine for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits of Chicago!
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com) on Jun 05, 2003 - 05:22 AM
(User info | Send a Message) | | Dude...Squid, I got five hunnert dollars and a plutonium chip on my shoulder...you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by IamSquid (undisclosed) on Jun 06, 2003 - 12:50 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http:// | | I don't know, that Federal judge said he didn't want to see mee in his court room again... |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com) on Jun 06, 2003 - 08:57 AM
(User info | Send a Message) | No pinky, it's time to (Insert corny/sleazy/goffik alternation of easily remembered children's show quip here)
Sides...I know how to manage the feds, with chicks and beer dude...everybodies a sucker for chicks and beer...even chicks and beer. |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com) on Jun 06, 2003 - 11:42 PM
(User info | Send a Message) | | Ok, that sounds eerily like an ex-boyfriend of mine. He said that the judge didn't want to see him in his courtroom again, and if he did, he ought to be packing his toothbrush. Turns out, one night he got his other girlfriend pregnant, and when he heard about it, he went to a car dealership and CALLED ME from there, saying the police were after him. He got sent up for grand theft auto. I heard from him a year later, he wrote me from the youth farm they had him on, saying that the girl with the baby was ok, and he still wanted me to be his girlfriend. Heh. Like that was ever going to happen... I know this is terribly off suubject but what you wrote reminded me of that little episode of my life... I thought it was funny, even at the time... When he called me, he said he had his toothbrush with him to show the judge... jeez, I've dated some fucked-up people in my life... |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Abbadon on Jun 10, 2003 - 11:03 AM
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I could have told you the governing bodies of America were a bunch of amateurs. But then I'm an anti-zionist anyway.
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by ragabash99 on Dec 10, 2003 - 05:02 AM
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I'm not sure but from what I've seen, all governments are loopy... from what i've heard (and anyone feel free to correct me on this) that it is illegal to tear the lable off beer bottles in the UK. I've been told it's considered vandalism.
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by griffith (-)
on Jan 31, 2004 - 07:33 PM
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as the wonderful Mr. Frank Zappa put it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
--Frank Zappa
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