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Articles: Sweet Boy
Posted by DarkTigress on Saturday, May 04, 2002 - 04:50 AM PST

Icky People
I just broke up with my boyfriend that I have had for quite some while, and right after that a goth guy here (!) contacted me over a Swedish community site. Since I am who I am, I thought that it must be some kind of sign. I mean, since I just broke up and everything. So I call him up and we decide to meet. I bring my non-gothic friend the first time I see him, and he seems like a nice guy. Not many opinions about things though, but I thought he just were shy. Anyway, we continue keep in touch... He mails me about 3 times a day, calls once a day and messages my cell phone all the time. It was sweet in the beginning, but after a while... yuck. So then comes the second time we meet. We go around some in town and then go to a café. Then he starts to cuddle with me, and kiss me. Hum, I think. One kiss, sure... but then he should get my body language that I'm not into that stuff with people I barely know. But he continues... I manage to kind of stay away anyway. What am I to do? Shout in his face that it is too soon? Maybe I should have. But the point is that the behavior he has shown me is very disturbing. He has told me he has tried to kill himself... And this is a guy that gets so hurt and pissed off just because I can't answer a message right away. So, the day passes and it's time to go home. Instantly after he left, he sends a message to my cell. Then when he gets home he sends a mail. Then when I don't reply at once, he send another. Then he calls. Etc, etc. And he keeps on doing this every day.

The point with all this is, we are not dating at all. I meet him as a friend, and he knows that. So when I finally tell him it's all over he goes: Sure, like I thought something else. Don't you cuddle with your friends?

Okay, how many of you kiss your friends (french kissing), hold their hands in public and sit and hug and kiss them at a café... hum... When I did all this, I only did it because I didn't know how to say no. I never kissed a guy before (yeah, I know). So it was all new to me. Anyway... maybe it's just me. I don't know why I can't stand it... It's like he's choking me... But yet, isn't a sweet guy everything a girl could dream of? Hum... maybe I'm strange... but, right now, I don't want that kinda guy.


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Sweet Boy | Login/Create an account | 16 Comments
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Re: Sweet Boy
by Schizo on May 04, 2002 - 05:34 AM
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Your instincts seem to be fine. He doesn't seem sweet to me, he seems obsessive. If he were sweet, he would try to find out what YOU wanted from him, instead of trying to pressure you into what HE wanted. If it's this bad already, it will only get worse and worse as the relationship progresses. My advice is to break it off, now, and if he keeps harassing you, get a restraining order, or whatever the equivalent is in your country.

Please don't feel guilty for "breaking his heart". The best thing you can do for him is to teach him that this sort of behavior is unacceptable. The blame for the failure of this friendship lies on him, not on you.



Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by DarkTigress on May 04, 2002 - 03:49 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
I started avoiding him, since he don't seem to want to get my big, clear hints... or he's just plain stupid. I'm freaked out over one thing though. I know that if I contact him again, even if I say out loud that I don't want any contact with him, he'll continue harrassing me. The thing is that he have told me about his life, and he tried to kill himself not long ago. And so, I don't know if he will be able to do that again? And one more thing that a friend of mine said to me, is that some people who is suicidal, sometimes want to bring people with them... so... there's alot of grey between the blacks and whites. *sighs*

It seems he is leaving me alone though... but that's what's so bad with living in such a small town that I live in now. He knows where I use to hang and I can bump into him at any time.

Anyhow... thanks for the comment though. It makes me feel slightly better. *s*


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Re: Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by Schizo on May 05, 2002 - 06:50 AM
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I'm glad you're managing to avoid him.

Don't let the suicidal thing bother you too much. (Not that it isn't a horrible thing.) It seems to me he is the type who is just plain suicidal on general principles, whether you were there to hold his hand or not. You've done nothing to drive him to the brink of suicide. He was already there, teetering precariously. He needs real, professional help, the sort that you are not qualified to give.

Even if he were to do the unthinkable, and kill himself now, it would not be because of you. No matter what any suicide note would say. It would be because of his own imbalances, and perhaps something in the past that set him down that road.

I've dealt with suicidal people before. (Even been one, but that was years ago.) And I've found that it's important to remember that you cannot cause a suicide. It is the choice of the person who does it. All you can do is help (if you are in a position to do so, which you aren't) or get out of there, before one suicidal person turns into two.

You are doing the right thing, I am convinced of it.


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Re: Re: Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by DarkTigress on May 06, 2002 - 05:34 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
Thank you... I really needed to hear that *s*


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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by Des (-) on May 07, 2002 - 08:40 AM
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may i just say that i concurr fully with what has been stated thus far. people who become that clingy that quickly, are far more needy than advertised. and quite obviously have more 'issues' than any one person can hope to help remedy. taking care of yourself is the foremost priority. whatever goes on inside this boy is no responsibility of yours; indeed he would be doing the same with anyone he could find if it hadn't been you. i daresay that WHO is irrelavent to him. he is much too concerned with having his needs met to bother with WHO he chooses to do so. at any rate, i think you dealt with the situation well and gracefully, and it does sound as though you recognize and adhere to your own boundaries.


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Re: Sweet Boy
by Comedian (eccentrically_long@yahoo.com)
on May 04, 2002 - 10:17 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://http://
If I got caught holding hands with any of my friends in public, there'd be a bonfire.

Of course, if either I or one of my friends hugged me, there'd be broken limbs involved and a whole lot of bayonette gashes.



Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by DarkTigress on May 04, 2002 - 03:50 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
*LOL* That's kinda how I work as well... and then he acts like I'm the weird one who doesn't go and hold hand with my friends... humm...?


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Re: Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by Comedian (eccentrically_long@yahoo.com) on May 04, 2002 - 03:52 PM
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A good idea to be buy a big gun and get a concealed weapons permit, but poorly conceal the gun.

We didn't carry guns, but we all knew there was at least 6 pound sof knife metal on each of us. It inspires respect at a distance.


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Re: Re: Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by DarkTigress on May 06, 2002 - 05:36 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
*LOL* Well, uhm... eh... I don't think that is the right thing to do in this situation... hrm... thanks for the advice though, I'll remember it :p


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Sweaty Boy
by Dolorosa on May 05, 2002 - 01:52 AM
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Uh oh...you know, if you cut a body into little diamond sized chunks you can hide them on the other side of a chain link fence. Cut it out quick before he fully forms his happy little obsession...if you don't want, don't let anyone take. Your obviously a precious girl, but I'd say it's time to show some claws tigress...love is a lot about compromise, but this isn't love apparently, so don't freaking compromise yah?
Best o 'luck sweetheart!



Re: Sweaty Boy
by Comedian (eccentrically_long@yahoo.com) on May 05, 2002 - 05:53 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://http://
comprimise, heh, that's a good one.


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Re: Re: Sweaty Boy
by Dolorosa on May 05, 2002 - 08:24 AM
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Shhh...they're not supposed to know I'm kidding...


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Re: Sweaty Boy
by DarkTigress on May 06, 2002 - 05:37 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
Thanks for the advice *roars* ;)


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Re: Sweet Boy
by oohp (oohp@gotik.nu)
on May 05, 2002 - 08:17 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://thorns.wox.org
Blah. Tell him to stay away from you. He seems to be obsessed, or to have created dreams of you being together etc. If you don't love him and feel he's limiting your space/freedom/whatever, it's better that you step out of it. Why? Because it *will* get worse and this person will get very frustrated about you not responding to his love/etc. He could develop an obsession (if he doesn't have one already) and you (and your future boyfriends) could get staked, harassed.

My sweetheart's ex boyfriend does this. Harassing me, my friends, my ex. He's been reading her mail, blackmailing her/us, victimizing, lying to people about us, etc.

My advice to you is to get rid of him.



Re: Re: Sweet Boy
by DarkTigress on May 06, 2002 - 05:40 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/darctigress
Thanks... all of your supports have made me think I'm doing right when I get rid of him, so I will. The thing is that he says that he only sees us as friends, not making up dreams about us being together, yet he act like that? Well, bleh, no need to think more about that now. He's (hopefully) a thing of my past now... so it's just to move on then


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Re: Sweet Boy
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com)
on May 06, 2002 - 08:33 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.plynlymon.com
This is a person of whom you should be afraid. Tell a school counselor, your family priest, or some adult outside your family what he is doing (the calls, emails, the random anger, the forced kisses, the threats of suicide, and everything else. Until he stops messaging you and calling you for a least a month, do not go out alone and espcially DONT meet him anywhere. I say this because his behavior as you have related it, maks him a good canidate for a rapist, and since he has already "forced" you to kiss him, why would he stop there?

He is a control freak and he is trying to control you. There is nothing you can do to make his life less awful. Professional help over many years might make it better but only if he wants to get better.

People who lie the way he is (saying on thing and doing another), badger and harass the people near them, make obscure threats against you (i'll kill myself if you dont love me), and force intimacy (make you hold his hand, force you to kiss him etc)on others are not "good" people.

The forced intimacy is the scary part. Rape is allllll about control, not sex. This is why i say DO NOT MEET him anywhere, even with a few friends. He will try to seperate you from your friends, leaving you alone with him. He has already tried (and succeeded!) at date rape (forced kisses and such) with you. Do all that you can to avoid a repete occurance.
Protect yourself as best you can and hope he finds someone else to attach to. If he comes after you, dont belittle him or laugh at him(this tends to make them more violent) but try to get away as fast as you can. Good luck and email me here if there is anything i or anyone here can do to help you.


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