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Articles: Go Die Somewhere |
Posted by
Maranda on Tuesday, August 21, 2001 - 10:21 AM PST
So I'm in the gym, sweating through my daily dose of physical activity, feeling good that my new intensified workouts are toning me up nicely and increasing my endurance, when the Forces of Evil decide to let me know that my life is over.
By "Forces of Evil", I mean Time Magazine and the Sun Sprint Girls. My health club has a magazine rack near the cardio equipment for those who'd rather read than listen to headphones or watch True Hollywood Story on the overhead TVs. They used to have ESPN tuned in, which was kind of inspiring, in a shame-inducing way. You could watch the Tour de France while huffing and puffing through your ten-minute workout on a stationary bike. Now you can view perfect celebrity butts while trying to whittle down your own size-12 ass. Or you can read.So I was on an elliptical trainer reading Time Magazine when I spy a snippet about former supermodel Linda Evangelista, who retired from modeling in 1998 after some "shaky runway appearances", but has returned to strut again. What makes this amazing, according to Time, is that "at 36, Linda Evangelista is one old biddy".Now, I realize the only acceptable age for models is Barely Pubescent. If I'd been reading Entertainment Weekly, I would have dismissed this as another dose of fantasy from the ridiculous fashion industry. But this was Time Magazine, a bastion of news! And this reputable publication has decreed that 36 is old! I usually shrug off such insanity. I was feeling great that day, endorphin highs being what they are. But not even the best endorphin high will protect one's ego from the Sun Sprint Girls. These creatures congregate in the locker room near the mirrors, where they style their perfectly highlighted hair with designer scrunchies and debate whether one pair of gym shorts makes their legs look better than another pair. Their tiny chests are covered with grey sorority sweatshirts, and their deeply bronzed skin always looks like they been following Zonker Harris's regimen of sun sprints. They stand by the mirror for hours, as if deciding between actually working out and standing around until some fitness-magazine photographer notices them.But on this day, they were by the scale, surreptitiously watching other women weigh themselves and waiting until they were out of earshot to snicker, "143? Can you believe that? My GOD!""Well, she's old," one Sprinter replied. "Who knows what we'll weigh when we're that old.""Oh, I don't plan to live that long," the other girl laughed. "I mean, after 30, what's there to live for? All the good stuff's over. All you have is misery and a butt that looks like…that."I stared in silence, trying to remember the last time I was so offended by strangers. Even the time two other Sprinters placed a five-dollar bet on whether or not my breasts were real didn't come close to hearing that at 30, my life was over and I might as well be dead.In my informed opinion, the good stuff starts at 30. You're out of high school and possibly college. Your juvenile mistakes are behind you. You have all the rights of adulthood. You can travel. You can drink, if that's your thing. You're in better shape financially. Maybe you have a spouse or children, and are experiencing the joys of raising a family. If you're female, you're at your sexual peak. If you're male, you finally get noticed for something other than your biceps. And you're still young enough to enjoy it all.But what do I know? I'm an "old biddy", just a few years behind Ms. Evangelista. Old enough to know that Zonker Harris was a not-too-bright Doonesbury character whose tanning gave him melanoma. Old enough to read news magazines to follow the Social Security debate. Old enough to notice the underlying sentiment that older people have no right to deprive society of money: that they should all just go die somewhere.This makes me angry. Irrational anger is an early sign of Alzheimer's. So don't get too close, dear Sprinters. Some of us "biddies" swing a mean cane. Especially those who work out every day.
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Average Rating : 4.0
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Go Die Somewhere | Login/Create an account | 7 Comments |
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Re: Go Die Somewhere
by ickgirl on Aug 21, 2001 - 11:13 AM
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I love the gym I go to - seems like most people there are over 50!!
And those girls, well...at least they don't plan on sticking around much longer ;)
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Re: Go Die Somewhere
by feralucce on Aug 21, 2001 - 11:32 AM
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Well... they should see my scale... you are nothing... you are less than half my weight...
the abercrombie and bitch croud are ... well these kids are the reason that there are safety instructions like... "Do not attempt to dry hair while asleep." "do not apply mascara to the eye itself." "Harmful if swallowed..."
'Randa... ignore thier comments... I mean... look at me... I am gother than fuck... absotively, posolutely fantabulous... and they think I am ugly and creepy...
Feral
Godfather of Goth-funk
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Re: Go Die Somewhere by Castrator on Aug 21, 2001 - 11:57 AM (User info | Send a Message) | Good to hear they call you ugly and creepy.
When people don't 'get' stuff(And the likes) they resort to petty name calling and suchlike. Being called a freak is one of the highest compliments, I find.
And Maranda, just be safe in the knowledge that when they are 30, their lives will be in ruins, simply because they think that the of the number of years you've been alive for matters so much. |
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Re: Go Die Somewhere by Maranda (saboneta@aol.com) on Aug 21, 2001 - 01:32 PM (User info | Send a Message) | Actually, the person about whose weight they were sniping wasn't me. I actually weigh more than that, and I am not in need of a Wide Load sign. The woman on the scale was about 40 with a fair amount of cellulite. And I had seen her on the treadmill for close to 45 minutes. She was in good shape. Not just "for her age", but in general.
The shallow opinion that certain numbers of pounds equal unattractiveness wasn't what pissed me off so much as the idea that older people are "disposable" and their lives are worthless.
The irony is that the 40-year-old runner with a few extra pounds is probably healthier than the anorexic tanners who are setting themselves up for skin cancer and osteoporosis. For women with small builds, a few extra pounds helps prevent bone loss. That 143-pound woman looked healthy to me.
I really believe that the "debate" over whether or not to save Social Security is really a prejudice against older people. In our work-obsessed, youth-obsessed culture, they're seen as a burden, instead of the fonts of wisdom that some of them truly are.
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Re: Go Die Somewhere
by Rogue (judenouveau@yahoo.com)
on Aug 21, 2001 - 01:23 PM
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Keep in mind that Time is owned by AOL, which we all know is the source of anti-intelligence, greed, and shallowness. Keep in mind also that sorority chicks are trying desperately to hold on to the other four years of high school, because they know they are worthless bimbos in the real world. Not all sorority girls are like this, but just the ones in those sororities. They will be an attractive hump-doll for some total prick someday, never getting any real respect due to their looks and lack of intelligence, and the looks will leave them by the time they are thirty. They envy and fear those with lasting looks and real quality, and try to assert their status while they can.
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Re: Go Die Somewhere
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 22, 2001 - 12:13 AM
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jesus christ on a stick, that's so freaking bogus (shut up, I watched bill and ted's excellent adventure last night)
I pretty much agree with most here, and it's so true, that these pathetic little skinbags are trying desperately to cling to SOMETHING, and to make themselves feel that much better by being around and mocking others who they look upon as "lesser" or fatter, or uglier, or whatever. They'll be sorry years later when they spent all that time lounging in front of the mirrors instead of on the bike like you. Their lives will skirt by with nothing more than vague empty memories and the tell tale sings of a party girl on their over taxed skins and bodies and souls.
I am personally looking forward to my class reunion for that exact reason! I look MUCH better than I used to, I'm happier, healthier, emotionaly stable (MOST of the time *grin*)and soon to be married. I have a job that I like, a future full of possibilities, and friends that I love.
I've seen some of the girls I used to go to school with and it's PATHETIC~! They went from not caring a bit about me, to wanting to know everything about me and wanting to "remanice" about "old times". THere were no old times. There is me in the here and now without them and everything they did to me.
It makes this tar hearted girl get all warm and gushy inside.
Screw 'em, maranda....like I said, they'll be sorry. Trust me.
and ps-enjoy your sexual peak! :) dirty old bitty...
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Re: Go Die Somewhere
by StaticRat13 on Aug 23, 2001 - 07:21 PM
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Aaaaaaaa! I'vgot fifteen years left to live!? Thats insane! Id better start going somewhere cause in a few years i'm as good as dead!!!
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