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Articles: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics |
Posted by
Meranda_Jade on Monday, March 26, 2007 - 02:37 PM PST
I have a friend; we've been friends since high school. Our paths went different ways, and we recently started hanging around each other again. She has gone through a lot in her life; her husband was addicted to crack and as a result, her family suffered dysfunction that was beyond her control. She stood by her husband and supported him and got him off the drugs. I think she is very strong and brave for being able to do this. Unfortunately, in the process, her children were damaged.
She was at my house recently, and she and my 13 year old daughter started discussing whether or not my daughter could come spend the night with her 14 year old daughter. (The two girls had met before, but are not close.) My first, immediate gut reaction was "No." Her 14 year old daughter is sexually active and has recently started experimenting with cigarettes. Her husband is a recent crack addict. She wasn't going to be there for the first two hours due to a work commitment, and her husband's brother was going to be there alone with the two girls. Her daughter tends to go where she wants and do what she wants, regardless of her wishes. Plus, she and her husband have arguments and he beats her.
There was so much wrong with the whole thing.
I tried very gently to explain that I know that she has had hardship and that things were beyond her control and that I do not in any way look down on her, but that I didn't want my child exposed to that environment. She got all offended and said, "She's going to be exposed to this sort of thing eventually. You can't protect her forever."
What?
So, my 13 year old child should be exposed to domestic violence and potential nicotine use because SHE'LL BE EXPOSED TO IT EVENTUALLY ANYWAY??? I've struggled to not raise my children in the manner in which I was raised... I am NOT going to toss them into situations that I have worked hard to keep them out of. They can be exposed to violence and drugs all on their own when they grow up, if that's what they choose. (And don't think I'm throwing them into life unaware. I talk to them about everything. I TEACH my kids... I don't let them learn through hardship and neglect.)
She then went one step further. "Your children are coddled and sheltered too much."
Okay. This one I have heard from two friends now, as well as my sister. Both of the friend arguments stemmed from the fact that I get up with my kids on weekday mornings, make sure they have a good breakfast and get to school on time, wearing clean and matching clothes. I also pack the little ones lunches.
"Aren't your kids capable of getting themselves a bowl of cereal and dressing themselves?"
Of course they are. All I do is set the bowls and cereal and milk on the table, and I only pick out the 9 year old boys clothes. The girls pick out their own clothes. When the boys are a bit older, they will pick out their clothes too. Right now, it makes things run more smoothly if I do it.
On weekends, one of my 9 year old boys cooks eggs for breakfast.... because he asked to learn and I taught him how.
They are all learning all the valuable life skills I can teach them. How to cook, clean up after themselves, do laundry, take care of themselves, do what is right for themselves... and it doesn't take a life of hardship or neglect or being forced to do these things on a regular basis at a young age, for them to learn these things.
My kids are healthy and happy. They have chores and responsibilities, they are told to do their homework and take care of their own pets. They are told to not smoke cigarettes or use drugs or have sex before they're ready for it. They're given allowances and taught to budget their money and make sure they can pay their bills (They're responsible for their pets' food and care.) They are being raised in a calm, peaceful household in which their every need is met. They sleep over at friends' houses and are well socialized.
I don't have any net nanny software on my computer and all of the kids use it... and none of them know what porn is. The few times they've run into anything inappropriate, they've immediately shut it off and come and talked to me or Rogue about it.
So why is it that everyone seems to think that I'm doing them such a great disservice when I don't allow them to be exposed to things that I consider harmful and age-inappropriate?
I'm pretty damned satisfied with the way my kids are turning out. They are good, intelligent people. They know right from wrong. They will be able to take care of themselves and make good personal decisions by the time they are ready to go out into the world.
And if they aren't, it won't be for my lack of trying.
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Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 4
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Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics | Login/Create an account | 12 Comments |
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by Starlight on Mar 27, 2007 - 02:19 PM
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You and Rogue have done a damned fine job of raising your kids. You love them, you guide them and you are there for them. Your life choices have allowed you to be in an atmosphere where your children are raised in a peaceful, trusting, loving and open environment with two parents who care for and respect them. That is more than most are able to do these days. In an imperfect world, you've given them a safe haven to live in.
You, also, have managed to show an old friend of yours that you still respect her and won't shun her as your friend, even though her life choices have placed her in a much less safe and peaceful environment than you and Rouge live in. There is no need to thrust your children out of their element in order to appease another's feelings. It might be hard for her to understand how you could be a friend to her and still guide your children in a different direction, but that is simply how it is and I applaud you for sticking to your own path.
Well done, Meranda...very well done.
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com)
on Mar 31, 2007 - 07:19 PM
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This is a very good article, and a very important issue. My daughter is only four, and I already struggle with this issue. How much do you protect your child from the dangers out there? How much to you allow them to be exposed, so they are prepared for it when they are dumped out into it? To what extent is a parent justified in sheltering their child? How do you prepare the child for real life in all its grittiness without setting it up for real damage?
You seem to show such balance... I hope I do as well as you have...
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by feralucce (feralucce@wayoutonthecorner.com)
on Apr 01, 2007 - 04:15 PM
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Because people are dipshits...
Simply put... I would raise my children in a different manner... but there is nothing wrong with how you choose to raise yours...
I have often said...I would make a shitty father...sooo... I am not one to judge, but your friend has cross a line...
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by Merry_Widow on Apr 02, 2007 - 09:27 PM
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Hey, I've been told I'm a bad mother for letting my toddler watch Batman: The Animated series with me.
I know you don't need my reassurance, but dammit, MJ, you're a damn good mom, and a damn good person. Your friend needs to reexamine the value system she has in place.
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Apr 07, 2007 - 08:48 PM
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More then anything else the friend you speak of seems to be filtering her own guilt through your friendship. She is thinking "I made mistakes with my child." She is also thinking "But it happens to everyone's children eventually and I can prove it with my friend MJ's child here." Then she goes further to chastisement because "you are trying to coddle your children. My kids are okay, even though they are messed up. Your kids will be okay, even if they get messed up, so why not let the messing up begin now."
Yes, you are protecting your children. You realize, from your own experience, that adulthood does not begin at 13. You know that kids are curious enough to try things other kids are doing, and you know that, from your own experience, if you could have done things differently you would have. And you know what, what you are doing is not bad. It's what a mother does. You've educated and informed. You tell your kids what they need to know so they can make decisions when the time comes. And like any good mother, you work to make sure that "when the time comes" is a moment when your child will be ready, willing, and able to make the right decision.
What your doing is fine, developmentally healthy, and dare I say it "abnormal". I say abnormal because the norm is a dysfunctional home in which children often learn from experience before they are ready to learn and become adults who want to protect their children. Abnormal is the family where the parent actually succeeds in making sure their children are protected. In which case, being an abnormal mother doing the best you can for your children is the greatest thing you can aspire to.
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Re: Differences In Opinion, or Child-Rearing Basics
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Apr 28, 2007 - 09:42 PM
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I'm going to strangle my mother-in-law. While on an overnight visit, my girls were shown the film, "Little Miss Sunshine."
They now know what porn is.
Congratulations, mother-in-law.
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