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Articles: A Lingering Doubt |
Posted by
daria_4 on Monday, October 30, 2006 - 12:01 AM PST
A number of months ago, I wondered when I would no longer be depressed.
Although I hadn't waited for a doctor to tell me so, I quit taking my medication quite a while ago. It started innocently enough; I was forgetting to take my pill, so it went from once daily to once every other day, to once every two days, to never. For the longest time, I thought just getting off the Kauffman would make me feel better, and while it was without a doubt the biggest factor, I have since come to realize that it took more than that. The medication helped. Therapy helped. Time helped.
I doubt I will ever feel proud of my military service, but I think I am finally coming to terms with what I went through and the bitterness surrounding my military experience is fading. I can't in good conscience, give a blanket endorsement of the military--particularly the officer corps--to a stranger. I don't expect to ever be able to do so, but I am less and less emotional about my inner response as time goes on. I feel sorry for people who fall for those commercials and/or what their recruiters tell them. All I ever say is that I hope the military treats them better than it did me. And I mean it.
What brought this on today was a program I heard on NPR about electro-convulsion therapy (ECT) for the treatment of depression. My treatment was not ECT, but some of the phrases jumped out at me and caused this bit of reflection. A woman was talking about her depressions being cyclic, and lasting for 4-5 months. She said something to the effect of, "four months is a long time to feel like that, like you're in a dark hole and you don't want to live." I wish it had only been four months for me. God, thinking about it now... I'm tearing up. I can't believe I lived through it. I hate what I went through. I hate that I know what it's like to be depressed. I never wanted to be able to relate to that. I never thought I would. Now I can... and I hate it. I feel so inadequate, both for my feelings over something that is technically over now, and my inability to describe said feelings with any other word but hate.
I wrote this out before I started typing, but I didn't manage to stick to what I wrote. I veered off when I remembered what that lady said.
I've been doing well lately; I haven't cut myself in 4 or 5 months. I thought about it a few times, but didn't act. Today, like those few self-injurious thoughts, triggered something. I'm not sure what. When it happens, a strange feeling washes over me. I am reminded of what I went through, and I feel as if it has marked me. That although I am well, I am not, nor will I ever be, the same person I was ever again.
In almost all things, I would choose knowledge over ignorance, but in this instance, I would prefer the latter.
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A Lingering Doubt | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments |
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Re: A Lingering Doubt
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Nov 01, 2006 - 02:53 AM
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Thank you for sharing this Daria. At least you are working on dealing with the knowledge that was unwanted and that is the most important thing you can do.
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Re: A Lingering Doubt
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Nov 01, 2006 - 07:20 PM
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Hang in there, I can kinda sympathize with ya...don't know how many times I would have wiped my hard-drive if I could. But we can't, barring aliens and extreme gravity oopsies...just have to dig in the heels and keep going, it helps if you have people who'll throw you a line if you fall off the side too. Congratulations on making progress too, strength is in there, and strength born of pain is often times ridiculously potent...
I don't have any sage advice, nor would I presume to do so...but i find at least in my case, laughing helps...be it mirthful or malevolent.
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Re: A Lingering Doubt
by Starlight on Nov 02, 2006 - 07:27 PM
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Daria, I'm glad you've been making progress and your strength is admirable. Keep moving forward and best of wishes to you.
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Re: A Lingering Doubt
by Kira on Nov 03, 2006 - 11:18 AM
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Even emotional scars can be seen as positive symbols of strength and survival instead of as a disfigurement. I'm optimistic that instead of ever being the person you once were, you'll become an even better person because now (like it or not) you understand deep suffering. It's not a matter of having or not having knowledge of such things, but what you do with the knowledge that matters.
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Thank you
by daria_4 (-)
on Nov 04, 2006 - 08:53 AM
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Thanks for the support. I don't know if this is necessarily weird or not, but I couldn't bring myself to read over my article until after it had been posted for a few days.
Just writing it was therapeutic; I haven't really felt that down since I submitted it. I realize that almost everything I've submitted here has been about personal experience...
Thanks for listening.
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Re: A Lingering Doubt
by pale-face (-)
on Dec 02, 2006 - 09:35 PM
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i can relate to this in the worst way. i have struggled with depression since adolescence. i have been on countless different pills and been to several different shrinks. be proud of what you have conquered, because it is no small feet. and remember, there are people who give a shit.
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