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Illustrations: Relationships
Posted by Geist on Monday, May 17, 2004 - 12:04 AM PST

Rant
A committed, monogamous relationship is almost guaranteed to fail. From the initial throes of love-struck passion, all the way to the final exchange of hostages, the relationship seems doomed. Round #1 : The Courtship
In the beginning, everything is peaches and cream. The female takes great pains to be beautiful, she does have to snare her man. She plots her stratagy while she strokes his ego. The male knows that to get laid, he's expected to bring flowers and candy and unending compliments all the way to the bedroom door. Ah, viva la romance!
They play their roles well, more convincingly than in any stage production. So, illusions firmly in place, they move on to the next stage of the game...


Round #2 : The Awakening
Our poor fools are now an official, card-carrying, committed couple. The female has won her man, why should she shave her legs this week? The male thinks, "Screw the flowers, she has to sleep with me now, isn't it in the rules?"
One day they look at each other and see strangers. They accuse each other of changing, but what they don't see is that neither has changed, they're just now being themselves.

Once this horrible revelation has come to light, what do they do? Once they realize everything has been a fantasy, how do they handle it? Once the figure out they don't even really like each other, what will happen?

They will stay together!!!

Why? Because our young couple have made a commitment to each other. They've promised to stay together, and by damn they will, even if it kills the both of them.

By this time, the novelty has obviously worn off...

Round #3 : The Coping
Our couple have accepted their fate. They've settled into their routines of expectation and disappointment. Each new day brings another unsatisfied desire.
There is not even a pretense of affection anymore. Sex is mechanical, if existant. No more flowers, no more compliments, just day after day of emptiness.

Things cannot go on like this forever...

Round #4 : The Degeneration
By this time, our couple have cultivated a healthy dislike for each other. Those qualities that were once endearing now grate with amazing intensity. The "How Did I Ever Think That Was Cute" syndrome comes into play. From the moment they meet to the second they part, our couple annoys the hell out of each other.
Conversations, which began as long affirmations of teary-eyed love and everlasting commitment, have been reduced to curt nods and apathetic grunts forced through clenched teeth.

Our couple begins to think of greener pastures...


Round #5 : The Wandering
No longer able to stand the sight of each other, our couple begins to eye up others. The female's legs are shaved and skirts are shortened. The male's water cooler conversations wit the new temp get longer and always seem to end with one of his many sports victories.
Mentally, each are fooling around on the other, but neither will make the first move to end it. Of course this only creates more friction between them...


Round #6 : The Dissolution
At this stage, one or both have decided to take steps to end things. They are amazed how many tears and angry words are shared over something they both want.
Neither wants to be at fault, to be blamed for the failure of the relationship. But they finally head their separate ways.

Neither wants to stay together, but neither wants to be alone...


Round #7 : The Reconciliation
Overwhelmed by new found freedom, both go a little crazy. Then the novelty wears off and they are alone. "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." The fights, the annoying habits, the hurtful words seem to disolve in the lonliness.
They see each other at the market, or maybe a party and start to talk again. She wonders, "How did I ever let him slip away?" He thinks, "What was I thinking?"

One thing leads to another and they are a couple again...


Round #8 : The End
Actually, they may repeat Rounds 6 and 7 several times. Eventually they decide to part ways and never be together again. Things have grown so bad, instead of avoiding blame for the breakup, each are scrambling to get credit for it.
Nothing is left but the final exchange of hostages. It's like a divorce with no lawyers. Who gets what? With much bitterness, they divvy up belongings that were acquired together. But the real pettiness begins when they start tracking down every single item brought into the relationship. "Hey, that's my refillable pencil!" Neither is ever completely happy with the outcome, but with luck it hasn't come to blows.

They head out, in different directions, thinking they are a little older, a little wiser...until next time.

Ah, viva la romance...




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Relationships | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments
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Re: Relationships
by Schizo (Aranea@spidersdance.com)
on May 17, 2004 - 02:31 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
I do hope that this was a little tongue-in-cheek!

While I agree that many monogomous couples blindly follow this same routine to the letter, it's necessary to realize that there are some couples (OK, very few), who break the cycle at the beginning by (drum roll please) actually being honest.

The problem is not the commitment, but the lack of honesty.

Here's a small test - if a guy starts sending you flowers all the time, ask yourself this - does he send flowers to the other significant women in his life? If so, you are probably safe. If not, well, just keep in mind that the flowers are not likely to continue after the first glow has worn off, and make your decisions accordingly.

While I most certainlty agree that one should not immediately assume that committed monogamy is the only viable option in a relationship, I think it is an error of equal magnitude to say that it should not be an option at all. I think all people should pursue the relationship that suits them best, and for some, that's monogamy. Some people just work best one-on-one, and like the duo relationship. Some people like to spend time delving as deep as possible into one personality, and know them through and through. Some people find rest and comfort in keeping it down to one human to live with and love.

I am a monogamist. I am marrying the only man I've ever had sex with. I plan to stay with him for life. Have I thought it through? Yes. Am I just doing what everyone else thinks I should? No. Am I carried away by the romantic fabrications of an early relationship? No. Am I just staying with him because that's what you do when you're committed? No.

I personally prefer someone who appears to be an asshole at first, but on closer inspection is found to just be honest, and on even closer inspection, is actually found to be a very caring person. They just don't care to make a big show of it. They're more concerned with actually being nice, than being known as nice. This is the type I'm marrying.

But then, I've never been a fan of the obvious.

Perhaps a description of a monogamous relationship based on honesty would be interesting. If there's a way to do something wrong, there may be a way to do it right.


Re: Relationships
by Andree on May 18, 2004 - 08:55 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
"They've settled into their routines of expectation and disappointment. Each new day brings another unsatisfied desire." This eerily resembles being single.


And the Critics say....
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on May 18, 2004 - 11:41 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
I laughed, I cried...then I creid some more and got depressed, drank myself into respiratory arrest and tried to hang myself with a bunjee cord...shit.

Do it again.


Re: Relationships
by Closetgothbabe on May 23, 2004 - 08:20 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://photos.yahoo.com/genevive3121
Oh hell I just dip after round one. Where the hell is my candy and flowers though damnit.


Re: Relationships
by Melusine (Inlovewithdespair@yahoo.com)
on May 31, 2004 - 09:34 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Oxomo: Queen of Mictlan
This horror tale really scared me. I guess it would be better to run away... even before round #1 =D! !! I've never played this game before so maybe I don't know exactly how it works. I think I only know round #0.


Re: Relationships
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com)
on Jun 08, 2004 - 02:12 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.com
You have such a wonderful way of summing up all the bad aspects in such a humorus way.

Why have a relationship when you can have one vicarously through this article.

I should mention though, I want my enter key back.

Now.



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