The word "vacation" is defined as "A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation." I am sure vacations are supposed to be pleasant enjoyable things. I am sure all of you enjoy, or plan to enjoy your vacations. My boyfriend Nick, and I were not so lucky. I feel like it's my duty to help you have a better vacation by telling you how horrible mine was, and by giving you tips so that you do not make the same mistakes. You'll thank me later.
This whole mess started at the end of May when my mother called me on Nick's cell phone. She invited us to accompany her and her boyfriend, Bill, on vacation to the West Coast. Nick and I weren't feeling too great about it but were eventually overcome by the once in lifetime opportunity.
Tip#1: DON'T GO WITH YOUR PARENTS!!!!
We were told the date and time of our departure. We had our bags packed and ready to go. We got into his purple Ranger and drove down to their house. We soon realized that they were nowhere near ready. Their bags were not packed - nothing.
They were worried about things that didn't even pertain to the trip. For example, Bill just "HAD" to get the tin (that was supposed to be on the garage 2 weeks ago) on the garage. He also thought he "HAD" to mow someone else's lawn (which we all knew he wouldn't get paid for until well over a week after we got home.) The consequences: leaving a day late and not being 100% sure if we had everything that we needed for this trip.
Tip#2: LEAVE PROCRASTINATING DIPSHITS AT HOME!
Tip#3: DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE 100% OF ALL ESSENTIAL ITEMS!!!
We FINALLY made it on the road. Our first stop was Kansas. The only reason we stopped in retarded Kansas was because Bill just "HAD" to see Dodge City. I am pretty sure most of you don't know what is so great about Dodge City, Kansas. Hell, I don't even know. I am also almost sure you don't care. Dodge City is famous for the "Wild Wild West" where drunken men with guns would kill each other like fools. They would carry the dead to a hill where they dug them shallow graves leaving their boots sticking out of the ground. This hill was named Boot Hill. The only thing I find remotely interesting about this is: HOW IN THE HELL DID KANSAS GET A HILL TO BURY PEOPLE ON?!
We paid $25.00 to see these "preserved boots" sticking out of this "hill." After spending about an hour in the ever-so-cool gift shop and only spending 2 dollars on a magnet, we went up the hill. We saw these little cemented "boots" sticking out of the ground. Nick, having to prove his point about how moronic this whole day had been, got off the path and knocked one of the "preserved boots" over. THEY WERE LITTLE STATUES OF BOOTS!!! I don't know which was more sad: Someone making a museum for fake boot statues sticking out of the ground and calling them preserved, or Bill thinking all this is still cool after discovering it.
Tip#4: DON'T GO TO KANSAS!
All you will see is corn, fields, and one stupid little hill with a "museum" dedicated to cement boot statues.
Tip#6: DON'T GO TO PIECE OF SHIT "MUSEUMS"!
After Kansas, we made it to Colorado. It's actually really nice there, other than the fact I had to hear my mother and Bill fight for 4 hours about Nick and I supposedly having sex in the back of the van. Which wasn't true of course. The mountains and everything were really breathtaking. The next morning after checking out of the hotel, we get in the van and it doesn't start. We have NO jumper cables. We later discovered that Bill had bought a starter, new battery, and some new brake pads and didn't put them on the van before we left. He was too busy running around doing retarded shit like mowing someone else's lawn. The cooler in the van wasn't helping either, seeing as how it milked the battery. We finally got back on the road.
Tip#7: DON'T GO ON TRIPS WITH PERVERTED AND NOSEY PEOPLE ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T HAVE THE PROPER CAR UTENSILS.
Tip#8: FLY TO YOUR DESTINATION!
From Colorado we went to Wyoming. By this time, If I saw another mountain, pine tree, or lake I was going to puke. Mom decided to go to Yellowstone. The only good thing about Yellowstone was the hot, geyser spots in the ground. It reminded me of the Bahamas only it smelled like Sulfur. We saw a male Moose. It would have been better if he hadn't had been pissing and shitting the whole time we watched him. Old Faithful was just boring. I was ready to go home an hour later. But no, my mother got the stupid hair-brained idea that we could find a bear in Yellowstone by just driving down the road. Hello, Yogi the Bear is a cartoon! We drove for hours in Yellowstone looking for a bear. Finally, Nick and I bitched enough that we left.
The next morning, Bill stopped in the middle of nowhere at this cafe. I really didn't feel comfortable eating at a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere. I ordered chicken fried steak with egg whites. I got my food. The eggs were not white at all. It looked like scrambled eggs. I didn't complain because they would've probably spit in my food. I took a bite of my chicken fried steak. It didn't taste like beef...at all. I was immediately grossed out at the thought of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It pissed my mom off but I didn't care.
Tip#9: DON'T DREAM BIG WHEN VISITING A WILDLIFE RESERVE CHANCES ARE YOU'LL SEE A DEER RELATED ANIMAL
Tip#10: DONT EAT AT STRANGE PLACES IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
We hit Montana next, nothing exciting. More fighting... Mom stopped at a Family Dollar and found a $12 giraffe stool. One that's not even shin high. We put it by the front of the van so it wouldn't get broken. We stopped at a gas station somewhere and she put it in the back where the back seats folded down into a bed. Where it would and did get broken. Luckily, it could be fixed but, unluckily my mother started crying like a two year old.
Tip#11: DONT CRY OVER SOMETHING FIXABLE AND CHEAP!
We hit Idaho. Nothing but cliffs. I couldn't sleep because every 3 seconds it's, "BILL 35MPH CORNER.... BILL WAKE UP... BILL SLOW DOWN... BILL FOR THE LOVE OF PETE SLOW DOWN!!!"
Tip#12: MAKE SURE YOUR DRIVER STAYS AWAKE AND ALERT AT ALL TIMES!
We arrived in Washington but couldn't find a hotel to sleep at. Every hotel for 75 miles was booked solid. We finally made it to a Motel 6 at 5 am. Bill had insisted that it wasn't going to rain when we got to Washington but it did. All my clothes were in the back in a "waterproof" bag. After everyone had woken up from their 4 hours of sleep, we had to spend $15 in quarters to dry our clothes.
Once we made it to Seattle, it started to rain again and my clothes were in the back - again. Nick and I had to bitch for Bill to pull over to put our clothes in the front. I had arranged to meet with Devin and Litho that weekend to take some photos, and I was so excited until we got there.
My parents were so embarrassing, and I felt like I was going to die. We went to eat at this pizza parlor in Seattle and I really didn't feel well because the vibe had already kicked in. The more my mom talked of nothingness, the more I wanted to commit suicide. The next day, when we agreed to take photos was the worst. The car broke down again and Devin had to come give us a jump.
The day had already started out like shit. The shoot came out okay except I was too giggly and stressed. Half of my clothes were still wet. That night, Bill and Nick came back from running around Seattle all day, and the drama still wasn't done.
Bill and Mom started a fight right in Devin's apartment. All this screaming and yelling over something stupid - Bill and his assumptions. If I had a gun handy I would have shot myself right then and there. Litho ended up getting sick a few days later over the stress and had to go to the hospital.
The next day, I went shopping and my mom spent 700 dollars on me. Devin came over later. We were sitting ouside talking and we timed how many minutes between each time Bill came back to check on me. The longest we timed was 4 minutes. Later on, we realized he was eavesdropping by the fence behind us at the pool.
Then when we all went back to the room, the parents started fighting again. This time over how big of a whore I was for having friends and having photos taken.
Tip#13: BOOK ALL HOTELS BEFOREHAND SO YOU ARENT DRIVING LATE INTO THE NIGHT!
Tip#14: PREPARE FOR ALL WEATHER CONDITIONS!
Tip#15: STAY AWAY FROM LOUD OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE!
Tip#16: DONT PACK ANY KIND OF WEAPON WHILE TRAVELING!
Now, I would go on and on about this trip because it lasted almost three more weeks. Far worse things happened. Basically because the two people we went with were extremely stupid. I hope this helps some of you out for your future vacationing plans, and if it doesn't, at least you will know that someone out there has had a worse vacation.