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| Humor: Overpopulation: Problem |
Posted by
Geist on Wednesday, January 15, 2003 - 04:04 AM PST
The Earth's population growth is equivalent to around three babies per second. Frankly, there are too many people here already for us to be popping out any more. Starvation, homelessness, and overcrowding are standard occurrences for humans. I can't walk down the street during the day without someone bumping into me, and it's not always because of their stupidity: there just isn't enough room for every person to live comfortably. People need to stop having babies.
My mother came from an Irish Catholic family with seven brothers and sisters; her parents before her had more than five siblings each. I have, on my maternal side, over twenty cousins in my family. If each of my aunts and uncles had saved their genes and had not produced their last child, we would save hundred of dollars on Christmas presents and dinners during the holidays. There would be fewer relatives' birthdays to remember, fewer flowery baby announcements, fewer screaming children during family gatherings.
It seems that all exceptionally large families share this same characteristic: they're Irish. And if the family is Irish, it probably is Catholic as well. Therefore, any family that is Irish Catholic consists of at least five children, with the two parents married since high school. The cause of overpopulation on the Earth is the Irish. Look at any ordinary French, German, Canadian, etc. family, and you can be sure that they will have at the very most three children. Ask these families why they decided to stop having kids, and their answer will be simple and immediate: they know how many they can handle. This statement may make it seem as if these non-Irish families are weak and unable to control the responsibility of a large family, but it is quite the opposite. It is the Irish who are weak. The Celts do not know when to stop having babies; the mere thought of another cute infant face looking up at them from the crib turns their brains to mush, making them pop out baby after baby consistently.
Back in the nineteenth century, overpopulation of the Irish was cured by a huge famine; whole masses of people dropped dead, and eventually everything got back to normal and they weren't starving anymore. Why Darwinism hasn't struck again and fixed this more modern problem is beyond me, but one of these days there will be more Irish in the world than any other nationality, which means increased beer production. More specifically, Guinness will outweigh any other alcoholic beverage on the market, and if you've ever tasted the stuff you'll know how horrendous a prospect that is. Thick, foamy, syrupy brew sticking itself to your palate without any other means of respite is definitely the worst form of torture. Why the Irish love this drink is beyond me, and I'm one of them.
With Guinness flowing everywhere, little red-haired babies screaming and running around, and lilting folk music reverberating through the skulls of the populace, Hell has arisen to the surface of the Earth and claimed domination over humans. It will be a world in which the Irish have multiplied to colossal proportions, a world where bar brawls break out even in church. The prospect of such a society brings tears to my eyes. Tears that spill forth all the sorrows of the next generation, filled with hatred for all the fools who procreated over and over, only to add to the filthy destruction of our society. The Irish are a virus even more dangerous than Aproaerema modicella NPV, able to infect the very core of the earth.
If our fiery-haired Celtic cousins are allowed to reproduce and flourish, then the entire human race is doomed to an eternity of Sinéad O'Connor songs and potato dishes. Overpopulation isn't just a small problem that can be overlooked; it is an issue that affects each and every person on the planet.
Even our law enforcers are Irish. Every single cop in New York City is Catholic and Celtic, with five brothers that are also policemen in the same area. When 5 o'clock hits downtown, the bars are swarmed to their fullest capacity with redheads, all cops who forego their civic duty in favor of the Irish tradition of happy hour. A world filled with drunken Irish cops rampaging through the streets fills my mind with terror.
What is the state of our world right now, you ask? The population of the earth is roughly 6,259,551,600, equivalent to…a lot. Our growth per year is 76 million, and within each year, at least 27,000 plant and animal species die out completely. As humans increase in number, the natural order of life becomes increasingly unbalanced. Eventually, everything will topple down and collapse, leaving nothing but desolate, barren land-and the Irish.
Not only will the world be filled with drunken Irishmen if they're allowed to continue to procreate, it will be filled with drunken, poor Irishmen. Grimy downtown sidewalks will be littered with rag-covered women and children, groping passers-by at every opportunity with their grubby, greedy hands. It will be worse, though less boring, than Les Misérables. Homelessness in America right now is up to 3 million people, 35% of which are white. I can guarantee you that the entirety of that percentage is made up of people of Irish descent; more than any other nationality, they spend the most money on alcohol, which leads me back into the issue of an overabundance of Guinness and Murphy's when the Irish claim control of the Earth through excessive breeding. In Ireland, I believe that even the children drink ale throughout the day; it would explain their running around without any shoes or socks on in the middle of winter. Where in most cultures a mother will breastfeed her infant to nourish it, the Celtic shove a bottle of beer into the babies' mouths, teaching them at a young age the importance of a good brew.
Most likely, as the children become older, they move up to stouter ale, building up their tolerance until adulthood. The average 200 lb. male can handle about five beers before he becomes incomprehensibly drunk. The average Irish man can drink until his ears bleed, and he'll only feel a bit tipsy. The main cause of bar brawls it intense levels of testosterone in an enclosed area, not because of drunkenness, as most people believe. While increased fighting due to a higher ratio of Irish people would seem to diminish the number of the living, thereby solving the overpopulation problem, the amount of brawl-related deaths in relation to the number of births per year is hardly enough to keep the population in check. So wherein lies the solution to the Irish controlling the Earth?
In fifty years from now, the world's population is expected to top at 9 billion. That would mean about 8 billion Celtic pop bands, 20 billion potato farms, and over 50 billion pubs. Ireland, with its rolling green hills, vast moors, and misty coastlines, is a recipe for disaster. If the Irish are permitted to continue their frivolous drinking and breeding, the end of the world as we know it will soon come to pass.
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| Overpopulation: Problem | Login/Create an account | 33 Comments |
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolfathotmaildotcom)
on Jan 15, 2003 - 09:57 AM
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Red headed women and Guiness everywhere. My dream come true.
Seriously though, I think that we just need to make use of the space we have a little better. Lets stop having those little Japanese guys stop drawing those cities of the future and actually start building them.
Lets go out to all those desert countries where the people are starving and don't have any medicine and just bulldoze the country, then rebuild the whole thing.
Where are all those big ocean going cities that I saw on the Discovery channel? How about undersea colonies?
Like I said, lets quit conceptualizing and start doing. In the mean time, all redheads and guiness can be sent to me since nobody else wants them...
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Jan 15, 2003 - 11:55 AM
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Hey, I haven't a drop of Irish blood in me... not all proliferate women are Irish, you know...
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by feralucce on Jan 15, 2003 - 12:42 PM
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*snickers* well... All I have to say is this... BULLSHIT... if you are going to blame anyone for over population... approach china... 62 percent of the world's population is concentrated there...
but let's forget this and view the real point... Racism... fuck this noise... and that is all it is... FUCK... irish, pakistani, american... there is more genetic difference between dog breeds than there is between "races" of human...
So... get your head out of the sand... or maybe your ass... and realise that the problem is the species, a virus... not the subspecies...
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention...
Twonk
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by Merry_Widow on Jan 15, 2003 - 03:35 PM
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Lets hear it for the Irish Protestants! Whoot Whoot! We rule! We embrace birth control AND Guinness! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Jesuits to dodge.
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by Comedian (eccentrically_long@yahoo.com)
on Jan 15, 2003 - 06:45 PM
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Somebody once told me during the impressionable age of 10 that girls with red hair have stinky vaginas. That's the only thing that's stuck with me throughout my life.
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by dead-cell (Tarant-zero@nandomail.com)
on Jan 15, 2003 - 09:20 PM
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hmmm...Ever hear of A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift?
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Re: A Modest Proposal
by Domkitten (domkittenish@spanking.com)
on Jan 16, 2003 - 12:08 AM
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First Published in 1729 by Jonathan Swift
A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born: the question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by burn1311 on Jan 16, 2003 - 08:30 PM
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give me all of the guiness!! Im irish and it really is obssive compulsive!!
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by Starlight (gwendydd@dazedandconfused.com)
on Jan 17, 2003 - 02:27 AM
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Hey now I understand why my parents fed me beers from as far back as I can remember, and they had me fully drunk for the first time at the age of 12. *giggles* (and I'm redheaded and my dad was mainly Irish). However, I was raised by that rare breed of Irish/Celtic family who was not at all religious. Plus, Daddy believed in birth control and was pro-choice when he spoke of the controversial subject. Guess that explains why they stopped at three children. Yeah for birth control and beer!!!
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by AloneSoul (AloneSoul@hurting.com)
on Jan 17, 2003 - 02:02 PM
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Here here! Well written and funny as all hell article Geist!
The solution is simple, we need more death. I’ll start. *punches the window and slits his wrist with a small shard* Later!
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Re: Overpopulation: Problem
by bealzeBOB* on Feb 02, 2003 - 11:23 AM
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i just think that people should have a hunting season for each other or something... but oh no no, people get too attached to one another and all that stuff, just use birth control after 3 kids okay!!
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