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Shmeng of the Week: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
Posted by Meranda_Jade on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 04:02 AM PST

Icky People
No, really. You would think after 29 years, my own mother would understand me. And my sister is worse. I feel like an alien around my family... complete with green skin and two heads. At least that's how they look at me. Went for a visit... they always ask why I don't visit more often... it's because when I'm there, I can't discuss anything about my own life without making them uncomfortable. And I have nothing in common with them, except blood ties, and a bit of history. Every time I open my mouth, they get disturbed looks on their faces and change the subject, or tell me I'm wrong. It's because they live in a box, and I enter that box reeking of the outside world, and it scares them silly. Anything that's not like them is to be viewed suspiciously.

Yet they keep trying to see me as "like them". I couldn't be more unlike them if I were trying to be. I see the world, and I want to experience it. I accept everything as it is, and I try everything to see if I like it. If I do like it, I do it again. If I don't like it, I accept it and move on. But at least I tried it. They see the world, and they hide from it. They can't accept new or alternative ways of living, they can't accept anyone who does.

If someone isn't your average small-town, racist, homophobic, steak eating, soccer mom, public schooling, ordinary-in-every-way redneck, there's something wrong with that person. They're both on drugs for mental illness. When I asked, "How is it that I turned out to be the only sane member of this family?" My sister laughed and said, "So *you* say." She thinks I'm crazier than any of them.

What will happen the day I finally get tired of hiding my life from them, and tell them all about me? Will they accept me as I am, or will they freak and yell and try to change me? I love them, and visiting them is fine, but geez, why is it when I talk about anything that is "not normal" I get almost panicky changes of subject? How can they say that the way they live is normal and good, when they have to take drugs just to cope with the way they live? And the way I live is not normal, and I'm weird and a freak, because I do what I want to do, and have different views about things...

They are completely unenlightened and ignorant, and there's no hope of educating them, because they don't want to be accepting of anything but their little corner of the world. They don't see that there's more to life than just conforming to society's rules. That society's rules just might be wrong in a lot of ways, and that the different ones are going to be the ones to make a change for the better someday.

The question is, what can you do to help intolerant people become more accepting and tolerant of that which is different and frightening? Especially if what they're frightened of is nothing bad or scary, just people living their own lives in a different way?



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They Don't Understand Meeeee! | Login/Create an account | 17 Comments
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Re: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
by Cashmere on Aug 13, 2002 - 07:55 AM
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Now the question that gets me, pretaining specifically to the aspect of your family, is why they ask you the reasons why you do not visit more often when it seems as if it brings nothing but discomfort on all sides. In a way they do love you and accept you as their family member; they are alienated by you because you are a person that is diffferent from them and therefore a stranger. A lot of this comes from certain social programming, sayings such as "the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree" shape the way the stereotypical american family thinks. Acceptance has been forced into our society on a gand scale, but not into local families so it is still seen more objectively, and the consideration that "different" people can inhabit a unit as small as a family is completely ignored. Try and think of something in a small community, the basis of a larger society that is frequently ignored when trying to make a change in thinking is made in a grand scale.

I do not know if there is any help for intolerant people as it is, they have already been set in their thinking and people such as the majority of us are considered as objects or less than human by way of practises or the way we look. I am very lucky that I got to set the stereotypes for many things in my neighbourhood, as I was established as who I am before what I happen to practice or whith what I associate.

Unfortunately with family this does not necessarily work, as the ideas of how you were raised still raise questions on who you came up to be an individual. They are afraid because you are an individual, not just "part of the family." In a rather amusing turn of events, however, that is also why the more accepting and ultimately worthwhile people give you respect. I know you have mine.


You can pick your friends...
by Monolycus on Aug 13, 2002 - 01:43 PM
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I'm not going to be able to give you the first bit of advice here, but then, you are familiar with the nightmare of a gene pool from whence I spring. I am less than two generations from peeling bananas with my feet, but at least they do not ask me why I don't drop by more often. The only thing I can recommend is that you don't lose any more sleep over it. It's not a perfect world and you have no more chance of changing your kin (or kith either, for that matter) as they have changing you. Learn from the pitfalls of past interactions and tiptoe through the landmines during future ones. I am, I was, I will be

~Monolycus.


Re: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
by Keltin (lanthanein@earthlink.net)
on Aug 13, 2002 - 03:10 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://home.earthlink.net/~lanthanein/
In this case Meranda, I'm not sure if there is a way you can help them. It seems as if they have become too acustomed to their way of life, (drugs and all), and because of that are not strong enough to step past that barrier and have an open mind.

I'm sorry you have to go through this type of thing, especially with family - a group with which you should be able to be yourself, and be accepted. The best you can do, as Mono said, is not to loose sleep over it. Have you told them the real reason that you do not see them more often? Perhaps if they realized the strain it puts on people, MAY change their viewpoint (then again, it may not) -

Best of luck with this - it's never an easy situation to go through -


Re: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
by Celria on Aug 14, 2002 - 11:53 PM
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it's the exact same with me exept I still live with them! it's so strange because my mum is uber goth. she dresses in the most beautiful lacy black dresses and she has so many books on wicca... she is enlightened so I cannot understand how much she beleives I am weird... the whole house thinks I'm weird actually and if I ever complain about my friends she'll glare at me and ask if that particular person is gothic. My family hate me talking about anything "strange" and my brother warns me not to do vodoo magic on him wehilst he's sleeping... i dont understand any of them and I don't really think I can help you...
sorry


Re: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 15, 2002 - 12:17 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://bettie_x.tripod.com/strangeasangels/
Maranda, I sooo know.
My family and I get along a lot better now that I"m out of the house. It was a real problem when I was a teenager because I had no social skills. My dad would bitch about me "hiding in my room all goddamned day"...so I'd come out and he'd rag on me about whatever was bugging him...usually my clothes or whatever, blah blah blah. So I'd hide...then he'd bang on my door and complain about how I never come out...lather, rinse, repeat.
Finally I just GOT it.
I stopped taking myself too seriously (I'm not saying that you do...from what you've told me it goes beyond anything like that) and made a joke out of it. I'd be leaving the house, he'd ask if I was actually going to go out "looking like that".
I'd just eyeball him back and say "yeah, but are YOU?" Now it's a joke. I tease my dad about his uniform closet full of blue flannel and levi jeans, like he teases me about my closet full of black.
When he'd make fun of whatever color my hair was, I'd just say he'd do it to his hair too if he had any.
It's goodhearted fun now, and I realize that the only way my dad knew how to tell me he loved me was to give me shit...it was never violent, never demeaning, but it hurt until I realized where he was coming from, being unable to express himself.
When he says "When are you going to grow out of that black phase (that I"ve been in since 13)" It REALLY means "You're still my little girl and I worry about you and I know you're a good person, but I'm afraid nobody'll give you a chance because of your appearance"

As for your family, a way to bring a little sanity to yourself, follow these simple rules that I got in a management class...comes on a little card, very handy, and they apply in every way to everyday life and people and loved ones. I've tried them, and it really helps.

Treat others with respect
Lead by example
Focus on the situation and behavior, not the person
Maintain open and honest two way conversations
Take it upon yourself to better the situation

It sounds easier said than done, but I found that by repeating them in my head when dealing with particularly difficult family members (especially my oldest sister..*snarl*) it eased the tension and helped me express myself more clearly and diffuse the situation.
It's a lot more productive than silence or screaming for them to zip it before you do it for them.
You'll be okay.
So drop by more often...and when they start in, just stand up, express the reason why you're "removing yourself from the situation", tell them you love them, that you'll see them later, and calmly and without anger, walk out.
They'll get it.


Re: They Don't Understand Meeeee!
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 15, 2002 - 12:23 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://bettie_x.tripod.com/strangeasangels/
ANd on another note, my dad made me cry once really bad and it took me a long time to forgive him.
I got engaged on my 19th birthday.
When I asked him if he saw my ring (that michael had saved and saved for back when we were poor, and it's a good sized rock too *grin*) he said "Yeah, your mother told me about that. We're really disapointed."
I BURST into tears and ran out. I was SO HURT.
We waited until I was 21 to get married...which sort of gave dad time to cool off.
Right before my wedding, I was at my parent's house talking to him about something, and out of the blue he just said :
"You know, GUYS come and go, and I just hope you're happy, but I want you to know that even though I wasn't happy about it at the time, I just want you to know that Ireallylikemichaelandihopeyouguys'llbehappy...."
Then changed the subject.
His telling me he was disapointed was him telling me how he was worried I was making a mistake and he didn't want me to get my heart broken.
But he understood.
He walked me down the isle with a smile on his face.
He was as scared as me.
I think he was as happy as I was too.
Because he only wanted me to be happy, and have the best in life, and knew I'd found it and it made him proud.

just food for thought. Then again, I have a rather bizarre family...you just wouldn't know it by looking at us :)


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