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| Feature: So you wanna be an uber goth? |
Posted by
Devin on Monday, August 05, 2002 - 04:11 AM PST
I know to the aspiring goth, ubergothness seems like the holy grail, but since the submissions have been rather whiney lately, I figured I'd submit my version of the whiney post. Maybe after reading it some people will reconsider their aspirations.
My ex was here visiting last weekend. She's what you would call a fairy princess. She went on a walk around the forest one day and came back telling me about all the cool nature stuff, deer, birds, butterflies and all that she saw. The next day she dragged me out of the house to go on a walk with her. We went the same way she had gone the day before, but we didn't see anything. Not even a bird. When we turned around to walk back, a little pure black butterfly started following me. Flying around me in a circle, not paying any attention to her. It followed me all the way home. I had to spend the whole mile or two listening to her tease me about how when I leave the house all the critters hide, and how she's never even SEEN a black butterfly.
If you've been on the site for a while you'll remember my little problem with bats in my house. My house is octagonal, so there's 8 corners, yet the bats choose to live in the one right above my bed. Anyone who thinks that's cool should try to sleep with a bat orgy going on every night above their heads. I seriously think they're filming bat porn up there some nights. If you're curious what it sounds like, go grab a vibrator (c'mon, I know you know exactly where to find one), and put it on it's lowest speed setting, and hold it up against the wall for a few seconds. Then take it off and shove it up a hamster's ass until he screams, then take it out and put it back against the wall (put a pillow over your head and repeat all night).
So a few nights ago, we had the door open for a while, and a couple bats somehow got inside. We were sitting in the living room talking when *SWOOP* there's a bat dive bombing us. We opened the door and went outside hoping it would find it's way out - but after flying around the living room a bit, it disappeared. We figured maybe it got out without us seeing it, so we went to bed. The next night (last night) we were sitting down to watch a movie (ghostworld, you should see it), and TWO bats start circling the living room and dive bombing us. Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch a movie with bats flying around? So we opened the door again and I got on chat with bettie_x and her boy to see if they knew how to get bats to leave. Meanwhile Biko Kitty has spotted them and is leaping into the air trying to catch one, and REFUSES to let us grab her to lock her in a room. She runs outside. bettie and the boy have some good suggestions but none that will work in our house, so we just wait and watch. We come to the conclusion that the sliding glass door is confusing them, so we hang a blanket over the glass half so their radar doesn't get bounced back all weird, and sure enuf one flies out the door. Two audio engineers outsmart years of radar evolution. Gotta love it. The other bat is nowhere to be found however.
In all of our celebration over outsmarting the radar, we didn't notice biko come back inside with a mouse in her mouth. She played with it for a while until I was ready to deal with it. I went and got a broom. She was sitting next to the couch with the mouse under her paw. Looking right at me, she gave me a perfect little black cat sneer and batted the mouse under the couch, as if to say "see what you get for spoiling my fun?" So I put the broom under the couch and whooshed the mouse out into the middle of the living room floor. Me and Biko proceed to play mouse hockey for a few minutes on the hardwood floor (the mouse was still very much alive and not enjoying this game one bit). Biko was totally kicking my ass until I took a lucky shot and flung it out the door. Black cats are very sore losers.
So it's time for bed, and I'm all snuggled up and cozy talking to a yummy girl on my laptop who had been teasing me earlier that the second bat prolly went in my room. I told her there was plenty of other places for the bat to be hiding. So we're chatting and getting sleepy and suddenly I type "BAAAAATT brb!" The bat just flew out of my closet and was swooping around my room. Since my room has a lower ceiling than the living room, I decided to use one of the tricks from bettie and the boy. I waited till it landed on the ceiling and went and got a cardboard poster roll. I held the roll up to the bat cause they're supposed to crawl in and hide. Well he apparently didn't know that trick cuz he got super pissed at me. He started flapping his wings and yelling and screaming and cursing at me in bateese. He fluttered out the door into the living room all pissed, so I ran downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. He wouldn't fly towards the door, and was pissed at me so kept flying at me. I figured out that if you hold the open end of the poster tube towards the bat when he's flying at you, he'll turn around. After about 5 minutes of bat jousting, and failing to get him to fly towards the door, I finally gave up. The bat flew up to the rafters and hid, and I went to bed. I'm sure it will be back tonight, dive bombing us and swooping around.
Anyone who thinks this is remotely cool, or thinks mouse hockey and bat jousting sounds like fun, is welcome to come over here and get rid of the bat. Any of the people who have been whining about how their parents don't understand them, or about how that boy/girl at school should like them but doesn't - I'd like to offer you a trade. My life for your life. Straight across, no conditions - just a bad b-movie brain transpant. Anybody who's whining about how their black mascara doesn't match their black shirt - just shut the fuck up. Some of us have real problems.
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Average Rating : 3.0
Total ratings : 3
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| So you wanna be an uber goth? | Login/Create an account | 22 Comments |
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Aug 05, 2002 - 05:27 AM
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Way to put things into perspective, Devin... is the bat still in your house, or did you finally get it out?
I can well imagine black butterflies following you around...
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by Icarus on Aug 05, 2002 - 05:27 AM
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hmm .... *giggles* good luck with the bats Devin :)
I havn't been around that much but, is it just me, or is the topic at the current moment somthing like "go away you fucking n000bs! and stop bothering us! go away! go away! " ?
....am I one of those? *thinks* .... ..... ... naaaah :)
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Bats in the bedroom...
by Kira (mod_complex@hotmail.com)
on Aug 05, 2002 - 06:13 AM
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I'm sympathetic Devin. A few summers ago I woke up in the middle of the night and convinced myself that in my sans glasses/contacts blindness I could see a shadowy figure flying in circles around the ceiling of the room. Naturally, I do what any helpless maiden would do (hehe) and frantically try to wake up the boi. Well, he wakes up and I tell him that there's a bat in the room. So he gets up and flicks on the light, and there is nothing there. Feeling a little stupid, I start thinking that maybe I dreamed the bat. But I know I saw it! So poor pAris has to get up and check the hallway, the stairway, and all downstairs before I can go back to sleep. We both go back to bed convinced that I had a nightmare or something. So the next night I was lying on my back staring at the ceiling in the dark (use your imaginations kiddies) and there was the bat! Now imagine 2 naked people scrambling around a room trying to get clothed and avoid being divebombed, while cracking up the whole time that this creature was real. I think in the end we opened up the front door and used an upside down broom to gently shoo it outside. I've never been afraid of bats, but I have to admit in close quarters they are pretty damn intimidating!
Ps. Anyone willing to trade lives can swap with me. I'll deal with your parents the rest of the sumemr, and you come try to figure out a way to make ends meet when you can't find a job.
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by necromancer on Aug 05, 2002 - 02:15 PM
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OMG, excellent story! i know the situation isn't funny, but damn, i was laughing my ass off reading this. you'll have to keep us posted on what happens tonight... (awww, don't hurt the bat though, pleeeeeeese)
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Bat Update
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com)
on Aug 05, 2002 - 02:55 PM
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So this morning, I woke up to a really loud scream. Apparently, at some point last night, the 2nd bat tried to fly through the mirror in my roommate's bathroom. It must have switched it's radar off or something. She woke up to find a very dead looking bat in her sink. So she got some tongs and a dustpan and went to grab it out of the sink. It woke up and was very unhappy with her and her tongs - hence the scream.
She gave up and put a cooking grill over the sink and left for work. Since it's certainly because of me that the bats feel the need to be in my house, it became my problem to remove it. I went and got a big tupperware thingy with a lid and scooped the bat into it spider style. He was not happy with this in the least, but what could he do through tupperware other than flip me off? I took him out to the deck and threw him off. He spread his wings out and drifted to the ground without flapping.
I was thinking, "Oh great, he bashed his brains in on the mirror." So I watched from the deck as he played dead for a few minutes, and he started crawling slowly over to this rock ledge. I watched him look around and once he was convinced nobody was looking, he flew away.
The whole time this was happening, Biko was scratching at the door to get out. She really wanted a piece of that bat. Now I have echoes of cat claws on aluminium in my head. But there won't be any more bat swooping. I can only wonder what's next.
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 05, 2002 - 06:23 PM
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Well devin I'm glad ONE of our tricks helped with half your problem...and in close quarters a pannicked bat gets very confused and can and will smack into something.
That was smart of her to use tongs, and even smarter to use a grill top to keep it captive until you could remove it safely. Massive bat loving props to you BOTH!!! ^*^
The one michael had to catch and remove when he was doing radio did the same thing. It just sat there in the box doing nothing but playing dead. He though "great, it's hurt, now what do I do."
He tapped the box to try to shoo it along, and it got all angry and barked/squeaked at him, then vwOOOOsh...off it went.
Playing dead is how they react to fear...which is WHY you never touch a bat on the ground! You'll get bit for sure, and that's a death sentence to the captured bat and a nice expensive series of shots for YOU!
You guys did a good job....wonder why the tube didn't work...prolly didn't "sneak" up to him well enough. Saw you and freaked out. You have to be REALLY careful...they're very alert little things, huh? :P
Glad he's gone...you might think of installing screen doors and windows, by the way :)
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by Andree on Apr 26, 2003 - 03:07 AM
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Someone told me you can catch bats by filling a nylon stocking with sand. The bats think it's a big motherfucker of a bug and they grab onto it. Their claws get caught and they drop with the stocking. And speaking of bats and their dirty habits, last time I saw a bat he was enjoying himself in a rather delicate and tender manner.
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by MissAnnThrope (volutariecasus@hotmail.com)
on Sep 13, 2003 - 07:24 PM
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*falls to the floor laughing* ha ha ha! *composes self*
ah, i am terribly sorry for making a joke of your dire (as im sure they are) problem, but i also thank you for helping me get a good laugh in, as i hadnt had one in quite a while.
it was so refreshing, i wont even bother letting myself get annoyed by the little paragraph of annoyance toward those with whom i would probably be cast into the vicious burnt pudding pot of stereotyping.... though i must say i have yet to find a single male at that goverment educational establishment that is worth a second glance, let alone the stress of such social blunders. and come to think of it.. i dont believe i even own black mascara at present....
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Idea to get rid of the bats
by veronica (-)
on Nov 23, 2003 - 06:39 PM
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1 build a bathouse. since a lot of kinds of bats are endangered, you can find free instructions online for building a bathouse. try to build one that they will like even better than your house, one thats big enough for all the bats you think youve got. build it someplace where they are far enough away that they wont annoy you, and wont get used to your presence, because if they are scared of you then theres less of a chance they will want to live in your house again.
2 shoo them all out of the house. maybe an exterminator can shoo them out or give you ideas for shooing them. harassing them might work: maybe smoke or steam scares them away, or foghorns. leaving a blasting a radio right where they sleep might annoy them enough that they will look for new shelter. maybe some nice hot pepper juice sprayed on their nest will make it unlivable, although i know birds actually LIKE hot peppers, bats still might not like them. maybe you can find some kind of device to generate high pitched noises that fuck up their radar, and then theyll have to move because it will be too noisy for them to "see" maybe even just putting a bright light in there will piss them off. or a heater that makes it too warm for them. or an air conditioner that makes it too cold. maybe there are some aromatherapy smells that they hate. or maybe u can let ur cat scare them away. or hell.. if the surfaces they use are rotted from guano anyhow, just saw them out. with big holes in their living space, they wont want to live there anymore because it wont protect them from predators and the elements.
3 find whatever hole the bats are getting in through, and patch that shit up. if they eat through wood, then... try screwing down some sheet metal. sheet metal is pretty cheap, and all you have to do is get a drill that will make holes in it for screws, and some screws, and a hacksaw to cut it to the right shape. handling sheet metal is not as big of a pain in the ass as it sounds. i once hacksawed through the (broken dragging sparking) tailpipe of my car in only 15 minutes (because i felt like "fixing" it ghetto style instead of paying money to take it in)
then the bats, after being vamoosed, and having a new home, will hopefully have no reason to come back.
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by jezebel (basschick_09@yahoo.com)
on Jul 26, 2004 - 10:53 AM
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sorry but the thing with the bats is just to funny.the cat and mouse, too.
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Re: So you wanna be an uber goth?
by solace (rawkgoddess@hotmail.com)
on Aug 02, 2004 - 12:28 PM
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this is so damn funny!!!!!!!!! I would trade my current life for yours any day!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
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