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| Articles: My Questions Of Death |
Posted by
MorteAscendo on Monday, June 03, 2002 - 04:01 AM PST
It has been about a month and a half since I found out that my father has cancer. They told me 30 minutes after i got off a 9 1/2 hour flight from Tokyo at a Starbucks of all places. My father has been my best friend since I was 16. We go to bars and shoot pool, drink beer, and when I was able to, we occasionaly smoked doobies together. For the major parts of my life he was always there for me as a father, friend and the male model from my up bringing. Now when i heard the news i didnt know how to take it, yes i was sad, but i did not cry nor tear up etc...
I just do not know how to deal with death. I have never in my 20 years of life had anyone in my family die nor anyone close to me. A kid in highschool that i knew ate the barrel of a gun, but i didnt know him that well. I went my whole 2 weeks leave not dealing with the thought that my father could die. He has cancer that has been brewing for more then 2 years and was not caught and the man is only 47. Now i just dont know if what i feel inside is right. Don't you think that i should have cried or been really sad?
When i got home from leave back to Okinawa, I still have not had a "good" cry, or anything of the sort. But my depression had gotten to the point to where it was messing up with my work. I was getting slow and forgetting things, nothing to critical but in the patient care field you need keep on your toes. Not even 3 days after i got home my mother informed me that my grandmother heart had swollen up and some of her arteries had clogged or contracted and the doctors said she would not survive the surgery. Now that just sent me other the edge, and i was thinking more about death, my death. I would never do it my self, but i was being stupid. I drive a really fast car called a Nissan Skyline GTS-t....and i was driving around at 180KPH with no seat belt and weaving through traffic. I could never directly do it, but its the indirect that i dont have a problem with. But I slowly started to realize what the hell I was doing and sought help. For the first time in my 20 years of exististance I asked for help.
Now it was not exactly the help I really wanted. They put me on anti-depressants, and i go to therapy once a week (now bi-weekly). But all I can think about when im there is death. Picturing my fathers funeral, my funeral..etc...
I dont know what kind of emotions that im hiding or some that I can't explain, but am I fasinated with death, or scared of it? For the first time in my life there is a chance of loosing my best friend and father and i'm 6,000 miles away from him. I just cant explain why I think of the things that i do.
If i loose him, i dont know if even then i would cry. I know that i would be sad, but why is it that i cant cry. i have even TRIED!! Is it because im male or what? Its like the never answered question: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie center of a tootsie pop......the world may never know.
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| My Questions Of Death | Login/Create an account | 10 Comments |
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Re: My answers Of Death
by Zander (zandriod@aagothic.net)
on Jun 03, 2002 - 01:04 PM
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I can not recall crying over the event of a passing once in my 18 years and I have been told that it is not that un-common.
they say that every one has their own way of grieving.
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Re: My Questions Of Death
by necromancer on Jun 03, 2002 - 11:35 PM
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very sorry to hear that Morte *gives you BIG hug*
i think you are in shock from not having directly experienced death in your life; in time you will grieve when you are ready and in your own way, you can't force it. my best advice is to take one day at a time and cherish the time you have left with him, (maybe take some more leave to be with him).
i'm here if you need someone to talk to...
take care (and wear your seatbelt)
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Re: My Questions Of Death
by Schizo on Jun 04, 2002 - 04:04 AM
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When my favorite uncle died of cancer at age 43, I couldn't cry at all. I was even in the house at the time, with my aunt and my cousins, and I saw the body the next morning, and that didn't make me cry. I didn't cry at the funeral. Everyone else was crying. I didn't cry until months afterward. It's normal. The most important thing is not to hold it in when you DO feel the urge to cry. But you don't have to cry to grieve. (Another one of those "mainstream" lies - you're not really sad, or feeling things properly, if you're not crying.)
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Death
by Arthegarn on Jun 05, 2002 - 09:58 AM
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I am sorry to hear of your grief, MorteAscendo.
I don't know if what I am going to say is a series of topics, but you all know me. Topics stop being just topics if you have really thought about them and believe what you say instead of croacking sentences you don't understand.
About your feelings, it is not strange that you have not shed a tear. It can have several explanations.
1) You might not be in touch with your emotions, specially negative ones. For a male showing grief is an indication of weakness, it means that something that happened has really hurt. If you show pain when it hurts, whomever hurt you will realize that's the right spot for the next attack. So, you restrain from showing that pain, and before you know you have developed such a good countermeasure to spontaneous shows of pain that you don't really have to activate it, it just kicks in whenever you are hurt. And then you realize that it's also kicking in with other pains, in other situations, and that what was a willing instrument to protect you has become a part of your personality you can't get rid of. And you don't show any pain
2) You might be in shock. The pain is so big you just can't afford to feel it, it would destroy you. So your psyque defends itself by just not feeling it, by breaking the causal chain at some point so that for a cause there is no consecuence. Then, gradually, your psyque will mend the chain and you will "slowly realize" the fact, and be struck by pity.
3) You might be in a negation phase. You just "can't believe" it's true, this is NOT happening. You refuse reality, or acknowledgement of reality and prefer not to think about it. This is similar to the shock above, except it is more conscious and less a reflex.
4) You might not be willing to show your pain because a part of you is safe from the pain because it really does not acknowledge the truth. As soon as you begin acting according to your feelings and the real situation, that part of you would no longer be able to ignore the fact. For a consecuence there must be a cause, if I'm crying then I am in pain. So even if I don't want to fully recognise it, now I can't hide it any longer at all.
5) Several or all of the above.
About dealing with Death... Well, you have all my sympathies if you are about to go through that. In the end one realizes that death is more than Death. Death is consubstantial with life, it is death that defines who we are. The fact that we are mortal makes us human, if we weren't we would not think the way we do, we would not create, think, read, enjoy, we would not have curiosity nor could we make projects with an end. Life is good, but as I know it it only deserves to be lived because there is death at the end of it, it is only precious and stimulating because it will end. Otherwise... what would be there to do with existence?
When it is the time to die, or to have someone close die, we often wonder about the futility of life, about how short it was. Death (Dream's sister) once said to someone who, having just died after an unnaturally long life (thousands of years), made a comment about that, after all, he had lived quite a lot and could not complain: "You got what every one gets: an entire lifetime". And it's true: time, age, life can not be just measured by numbers. It is an infinite blessing, and infinite miracle no matter how long or short it is. when it ends, it ends, and the one living got an entire lifetime to do as he pleased. And he did as he pleased, there is nothing as de-personating as regretting at the end of life what you did or did not do. You did what you wanted, you were yourself, and that is as good as anyone else.
I have come to realize that people do not fear Death. They fear the consecuences of death: when a loved one dies they are sad because they will no longer be able to enjoy them. And when it is their time to die they are s
Read the rest of this comment...
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- Re: Death by MorteAscendo on Jun 05, 2002 - 11:36 PM
Re: My Questions Of Death
by NightSide (nightside@vampirefreeks.com)
on Jun 05, 2002 - 10:51 AM
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Well speakin from some experence with death I have lost my dad and a lot of close friends and died once for about 10 minutes myself. Just know that there will be some part of any person you ever knew that will live on in your heart as long as you remember - and from things I have been through - no I don't believe in a christian 'God' but there IS existance other then 'here'....
Good place to go to become aquainted better with death in a positive way - and YES that IS possable and a place with a lot of compassion and understanding try WestgateNecromantic they have a great discussion area called the Obitiuaries, come and join in you will find sopport and help there the url is http://www.westgatenecromantic.com these are a lot of people that have been there....
Jesse
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Re: My Questions Of Death
by feralucce on Jun 05, 2002 - 11:30 AM
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what I am about to say... may seem a bit calloused, but this is my people's view on it... perhaps you should head back... meet up with your father... Don't try to cry... go someplace... and celebrate with him... celebrate all the good that has come from his life and celebrate the happiness he has caused, at least in your life...
Death is inevitable... and my friends and family have all talked about it... when I go... there is going to be a the mother of all parties... because I want them to remember how i lived, not how I died or how I am gone...
THat is my two cents it might help... it might not...
Feral
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Re: My Questions Of Death
by gothvail (vail@gothicamateur.com)
on Jun 05, 2002 - 02:56 PM
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I don't know how much of a comfort this will be to you, but it sounds like although you and your dad have had less time than most people get, it has been a pretty good time. Some people know their fathers for decades and never develope those wonderful bonds or memories. In that, you should count yourself lucky. My dad had cancer when I was about 12. But he is a strong guy, and had a loving family to support him. He never stopped teaching and eventually he got better. Maybe your dad will, too. Best of luck to you both.
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Bobhobalobadob
by Dolorosa on Jun 07, 2002 - 11:32 PM
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Hey, you know me man...you've been there to save my ass more times than I can count, caught me when I fell, and pulled me together when I fell apart. I'm there for ya'...I may not have any revelations to bestow...but I'm a friend not a philosopher. Drinks, girls, bad jokes...and a shoulder to lean on. You're my Kumpania, you don't have to walk alone.
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