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| Feature: Rats, Bats, Flats |
Posted by
Devin on Thursday, August 09, 2001 - 08:49 PM PST
Preamble:
Ok, first I need to give a little scenery, then I'll get to the story and the ramblings and the questions. This is really amusing, and I have no idea what to do.
Scenery
I need to give a short description of my house, it will be clear in a minute be patient. (Click for Description). Now that we've got that over with, you'll notice where the posts meet the roof, there's some space there for critters to hang out. That's the backdrop for this story.
History:
A while back i noticed at the bottom of one of the posts, some rat shit. Not what any homeowner wants to deal with, but it could be worse. So I set some rat traps. When I didn't catch anything, I figured they had gone, so I busted out the power sprayer and hosed the shit away and forgot about it. It was one of the posts that's far away from the doors and I never go over there anyway.
Story:
Yesterday, I was out on my deck when I noticed next to the post closest to where I chill and smoke - you guessed it. Rat shit. Bleh - the little fuckers didn't leave. So I grumped over to the power sprayer and sprayed the shit off my deck. Grrrrrr. I looked up but didn't see any signs of rats. There's space where the posts connect to the roof for a rat to get into the 8 inch space between the top and bottom layers of the roof. I was thinking fuck, how am I going to get them out of there if they don't like cheese.
Conflict:
I stood there all pissy with the power sprayer in my hands and I have no idea why it took any thought at all, but it finally dawned on me and with an evil chuckle I directed the power sprayer at the spot where the fuckers would get in there. I knew it wouldn't get rid of them, but it would piss them off and they'd be wet and miserable. This is not the Hilton fuckers...
Twist:
So I spray for a little while - enuf to get them good and pissed. And sure enuf i see a furry body jumping out thru the spray. My eyes jump to the ground where it will land since I can't see thru the water. Then I was confused. I expected to see a little furry bastard skittering off begging to be drenched again. Nope. No rodent. So I sit there a minute with the confused look of someone who's just been flamed by callei - when something flys out of the roof and over to the trees. OH! I get it. Birds. Of course, there's birds nesting in my roof. Then another one flys out. That's a fucking ugly bird. So I'm thinking why are birds shitting rat shit? Then another one flys out. Damm that bird is ugly. This one circles around, and finally I start getting a clue.
Epiphany:
BATS!!! There's fucking bats in my roof! I should have fucking known. So I stand there in nothing but a trenchcoat, power sprayer in hand - contemplating my utter uber gothness as about 20 (yes twenty) more wet unhappy bats fly out one at a time.
Random Tangent:
When I first started my current job, this (east) indian guy with an unhealthy lack of fear - who really reminds me of Brat Pitt in 12 monkeys (finger in his bosses face and all) except he's short, bald and brown, was giving me typical new guy testing shit. He was looking at me and was like "you're not a goth". I asked him why. He said "your shoes - they have brown - goths only wear black". I sad "you forgot to ask where the shoes came from". He said "who cares they came from some stupid store". I said maybe, but you didn't ask where I got them." He plays along and asks. So I tell him, my ex girlfriend's brother was a junkie. He died. His clothes didn't fit anyone in his family except me so I got them all. I've been walking in a dead junkie's shoes for 5 years. Where'd you get your shoes?" He sat there in stunned silence for a minute. Then he says, "It seems I've been shut down. I know better than to question you again". He's been one of my best friends there ever since.
Random Tie in for Random Tangent:
There's this phenomenon in Seattle which I realize is everywhere, but if you've been here you'll remember it's extra prevalent here. It's called "Gother Than Thou". It's similar to the way snotty bitches look other snotty bitches up and down and whisper to their friends "oh... Mygod... LOOK.... at her disGUSTing boobs". Except the snotty bitches have more makeup and might be men but you'll never know. Anyway the next time one of them looks me up and down and whispers to their friend, I'm going to get the best irony rush. I betcha BATS don't feel compelled to congregate around their houses.
Conclusion:
And they lived happily ever after
Questions:
1) So now, what do i do?
2) How do I get rid of bats?
3) Do they have bat traps?
4) Do I want to get rid of them?
5) Is it sanitary to have bats in one's belfry?
6) Will they just leave in the winter?
7) Can you think of anyone on earth gother than me at this moment?
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| Note: (For anyone who didn't catch it, this story doubles as a tutorial on how to write a shmeng post. The posts are getting a little too short, and I'd like to start getting a little more content in them) |
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Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 1
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| Rats, Bats, Flats | Login/Create an account | 24 Comments |
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OOOhh!
by Comedian (comedian@callatg.com)
on Aug 09, 2001 - 09:54 PM
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Cheated of my bats in the belfry jokes-- BAH!
I would recommend hiring a pest exterminator or looking up something on the web as to "rodent discouragement", for you first question.
If I knew of bat traps, I'd sell them to Joker or the penguin(I apologize beforehand for that joke-- I'll be feeling that hurt later, I'm sure).. Bat traps might not be of any design but your own-- the most dangerous way you could do it was to poison cheese and leave it in the attic for the bats to eat-- or poison berries-- but that will leave a mess of dead bats corpses which are not sanitary to have around.
I would recommend getting rid of them, because-- as this ties in with number 5, they are very unsanitary, even if they do eat all the bugs-- they will urinate and cause many problems that will smell for long after all the bats are dead. And have almost the same equivalent as inhaling guano in large amounts.
Unfortunately, no, they will, as a good chance implies, nest for the winter and become more of a hassle. I don't think they are migratory-- better not to take the chance. Or maybe some one here can tell you.
If there is any reassurance, you are gother than goth at this point. Except maybe the Crypt Keeper, but he has lots to do with non-goth people, so I'd say you do take the cake. Congratulations.
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com)
on Aug 10, 2001 - 02:17 AM
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http://www.plynlymon.com
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And all this time i've been trying to keep it short and sweet, instead of rambling on like i do in person. i feel a bit of a fool.
No one is gother than thou devin, with or without the bats.
to get rid of the bats, you could wait til they go out at night, or spray them down again, and then seal the hole with that foam stuff that expands when it meets air.
I did that to one house in the vain hope of sealing out the noise of my neighbors' dog. It worked a bit for that.
But that is definatley the low tech DIY solution and, unless you own the house, bound to piss of your landlord.
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by feralucce on Aug 10, 2001 - 08:05 AM
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Well...
Bats, while cool... will cause problems... they will foul up the inside fo the structure with guano that will cause the palce to rot... the colony will grow... and... they are mean... if one get's inside... that will almost unboudtedly result in someone getting bitten... and from experience as a kid... bat bites suck... (DON'T ASK)
Feral
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by Rogue (judenouveau@yahoo.com)
on Aug 10, 2001 - 11:32 AM
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Comedian, bats aren't rodents. Neither are rabbits, but i digress. Devin, if you think you have rodents (which you do not obviously, but if) you should know that cheese rarely works unless they are really hungry, and that they will go to great lengths to get peanut butter. Once had a pregnant mouse give birth under my stove and i didn't notice they were there until the babies were grown, so i had a whole family in my kitchen. Using one Victor™ mouse trap (http://www.victorpest.com) and some standard peanut butter, i caught all eight of them in the course of a day...five in the first half hour. All i would do is bait the trap and would often not make it back to my chair by the time it was tripped. As for bats, there are some ultrasonic devices that are supposed to chase them away harmlessly, but these are questionable and you are better off just calling the Orkin™ guy or whatever they have out there. They are probably attracted to your junkie shoes, just like all the other little batlings that flock to your door.
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by Meranda_Jade (scurtis510@home.com)
on Aug 10, 2001 - 01:37 PM
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Another thing that could be done, (seeing as bats are really cool, and cut down on the mosquitos a lot) is build a bat house a bit away from your house. They'll leave you alone, take care of any bug problems, and you'll both be happy. http://www.batcon.org/bhra/economyhouse.html
http://ucs.orst.edu/~holubs/bat/bathome.htm#_My_Plans_2
some links to bat house plans... they don't look too hard to make...
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolf@hotmail.com)
on Aug 10, 2001 - 09:09 PM
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http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com
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you might try some of the real fine netting that they use to catch birds, if you string it up around the post in a so that there is no way out, you may catch them in it.
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats 911
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 12, 2001 - 11:36 AM
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http://bettie_x.tripod.com/strangeasangels/
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I don't have the time to read through all the messages to see if it's been posted, but I have to say Comedian is a fucking moron. Bats are not rodents. Bats are not closely related rodets either. In fact bats were once classified as primates. Yes that's right, just like me and you. Poison?! You fucking jerk! Devin's problem is a people problem. It is people that caused this problem in the first place. Devin's bats are merely just trying to survive. Poisoned fruit? Is it possible for you to be a bigger dumb ass you soy freak of nature. Northwest bats eat only insects. God! I can't believe how bad I want to beat your ass and skull fuck you right now. Bats are not filthy animals at all. Bats spend most of their time grooming themselves.
It's true you do not want bats living in your attic because of guano. It is so easy to exclude them! Devin please listen to me. Do not try poisons or pest control companies. They will lie to get your money. All it takes is a little bird netting and a bat house.
Devin I have a book here at home that gives you step by step instructions on how to exclude the bats without harming them. email me at stvitusdance@hotmail.com and we can make arrangements so I can send it out to you. Also I can get you in contact with a local conservation agency that can help. Remember we are like Pit Bulls when it comes to protecting NW bats. PLEASE write me Devin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read the following Bat facts. Once you do you will know more about bats then most people on earth.
The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.
Giant flying foxes that live in Indonesia have wingspans of nearly six feet.
The common little brown bat of North America is the world's longest lived mammal for its size, with life-spans sometimes exceeding 32 years.
Mexican free-tailed bats sometimes fly up to two miles high to feed or to catch tail-winds that carry them over long distances at speeds of more than 60 miles per hour.
The pallid bat of western North America is immune to the stings of scorpions and even the seven-inch centipedes upon which it feeds.
Fishing bats have echolocation so sophisticated that they can detect a minnow's fin as fine as a human hair, protruding only two millimeters above a pond's surface.
African heart-nosed bats can hear the footsteps of a beetle walking on sand from a distance of more than six feet.
Red bats that live in tree foliage throughout most of North America can withstand body temperatures as low as 23 degrees F. during winter hibernation.
Tiny woolly bats in West Africa live in the large webs of colonial spiders.
The Honduran white bat is snow white with a yellow nose and ears. It cuts large leaves to make "tents" that protect its small colonies from jungle rains.
Disk-winged bats of Latin America have adhesive disks on both wings and feet that enable them to live in unfurling banana leaves (or even walk up a window pane!).
Frog-eating bats identify edible from poisonous frogs by listening to the mating calls of male frogs. Frogs counter by hiding and using short, difficult to locate calls.
Vampire bats adopt orphans and have been known to risk their lives to share food with less fortunate roost-mates.
Male epauletted bats have pouches in their shoulders which contain large, showy patches of white fur that they flash during courtship to attract mates.
Mother Mexican free-tailed bats find and nurse their own young, even in huge colonies where many millions of babies cluster at up to 500 per square foot.
Important Bat Facts
Nearly 1,000 kinds of bats account for almost a quarter of all mammal species, and most are highly beneficial.
Worldwide, bats are an important natural enemies of night-flying insects.
A single little brown bat can catch 1,200 mosquitoes-sized insects in just one hour.
A colo
Read the rest of this comment...
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Re: Rats, Bats, Flats
by Anonymous-Coward on Aug 12, 2001 - 05:45 PM
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It is important to not first off that bats are not rodents. Most exterminators have a method of expelling bats, but none are humane and most involve chemicals I would not want in my house. Bats are incredibly beneficial to us in that they consume massive amounts of insects each day. They are peaceful, avoid human contact when at all possible and do not cause the typical problems that rodents can cause in homes (i.e. chewing, running across your kitchen counter etc.). I would leave them, but I have an affection for bats. They are many ways to humanely exclude bats from your home without harming them . If you are truly interested in making the best decision for these bats, please visit www.batcon.org and see their instructions on humanely excluding bats from your property. There must also be a wildlife rehabilitator or bat conservationist that can help you with this task. Important for you also to note is that some species of bats may be protected, depending on where you live. Killing them is definitely not the best option you have.
May I also note that bats do not eat cheese, nor do most species eat berries, poisoned or otherwise. They are not as unsanitary as the previous commenter noted, and actually keep themselves very clean. Copious amounts of bat excrement are not present in small colonies. I believe the comment was based on stories of huge bat colonies in caves, and shows a very uneducated view on bats.
Many bat species are indeed migratory. If you could post a description of the bats and your area, we could assist in identifying them, or again, www.batcon.org has excellent photos and descriptions of the various bat species in each region of the U.S.
Not a "coward", just not waiting to get a password. -- Laura
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