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Re: Back, With Temporary Computer Access! (Hooray, Hooray!)
by Schizo on Nov 16, 2001 - 04:11 AM
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I've been to the local Pregnancy Resource Center. They gave me a number to get in touch with a place that helps expectant moms get health insurance, etc. etc. Once I get that, I can go to the doctor's.
I very much want to take advantage of any college opportunity openings this may give me. Yet at the same time, I've got so much on my plate right now and for a long while yet, I don't want to precipitiously add college until I can see that I'm handling what I already have. But I definitely want to go to college, very badly.
If I get him removed from my lease, I get myself removed from my home. We're on a probationary lease, and the money he makes is the only reason we got it at all. I don't have a place to go until January, so if I can hold on until the end of December (when they re-evaluate our lease) then I should be OK. And if at that point I can afford it on my own, and convince them of that, all well and good. But until then, I need his name on the lease to survive.
At this point, I would say he is nearly caught up on what he owes me. The whole guitar thing is the only real problem here, and I've still got my little hostage waiting for its return. After that, I'm pretty sure it's even, especially since I didn't end up having to pay anything for the overdue computer rent. As for food and chores, I'd say they end up roughly even. Same with clothes bought for each other. He bought me a couple of concert t-shirts. As for gifts, if I wanted to be generous with them at one time, that's my own problem, and I'm certainly not going to start attatching strings to them now.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I am not the starry-eyed naive little thing I once was. I am NOT in love with him, I am NOT trusting him. I am using his money to keep a roof over my head, I am using his companionship to keep myself from going bonkers from sheer aloneness, and I am even using his screwed up, depressed, suicidal brain to practice my counselling skills on, because heaven only knows I'll need those skills later on. And if in the meantime I can help him face himself (which I am, to what degree I don't know yet) then I'm only doing myself and my child a favor.
I've sent him away before, and I did not ask for him back. I was not going to ask for him back. But since he is back, and since he is providing a hell of a lot of benefits in the meantime, I'm not going to get rid of him until he starts any shit again. It's one thing to slay dragons when they're rampaging. It's another to start hacking at peaceful, sleeping dragons who happen to be keeping the fire lit that's keeping you warm. In this case, I think an armed neutrality is in order. One act of wanton cruelty, and he's history, rent or no rent. I did it before and I'll do it again, and he knows it. And if he goes to Florida, I won't lift a finger to make him stay. And while he's here, I'm not asking him to support me. He pays his half, I pay mine.
By this time, I know this man. He has two modes. The way he is now, which is weak and unbalanced, but tries hard and generally manages to be fair and kind. And the way he was when I kicked him out, which is manipulated and a little insane, having given up on everything and not caring who or what gets hurt, as long as he can be with the psycho slut.
I know the warning signs. And I know the things that trigger the second mode. Namely, too much time spent with the slut. Which is legally impossible right now. He sees less of her now than he has in any point in our relationship before. And I see almost nothing of her at all, and never in my house. The prognosis for the first mode is better than I've ever seen it before. And as imperfect as that mode is, it works for the present situation.
God, I know you all disapprove. Believe me, I'm listening. If it were at all practical in this situation, I know I could do it. But when I kicked him out before, I thought I was on the verge of getting a second job, and I did
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