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Re: More advice
by Schizo on Nov 15, 2001 - 11:25 AM
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I know what I'm doing is dangerous. Believe me, I've got my eagle eye on him. I'm not trusting him far at all. I refuse to be used any more.
But I have to be practical as well. For the moment, financially, I haven't got many other choices. As long as he pays the rent and doesn't do things that make me feel uncomfortable in my own home, then this can work as a temporary situation. But if he crosses that line, he's out of here, for good, and he knows it. In a couple of months it will be different, and I'll have another option that will give me a place to stay and people to look after me if necessary, and at the end of this month I may have a better job. (Somehow, the food industry and morning sickness don't mix very well.)
Until December 21, he is not allowed to see his ex or the kids. Which means I won't have to see her. And after that, he's leaving for Florida, so I won't have to see anyone at all if I don't want.
I know it would be ideal to make the strong and independent gesture and kick him out of my life forever. But unfortunately sometimes that's just not practical. And this is one of those times. For the time being, the plusses of him being here are outweighing the minuses. I'm feeling considerably more balanced and less panicky with the rent pressure off my head.
Believe me, I don't trust him an inch. I know he'll end up hurting me again if I let him. That is why the moment the balance swings to the negative side, he's going bye-bye. If he can use me, why can't I use him? (Not to hurt him, of course, that's not the way I work, but just to survive, and because I deserve a hand from him.)
And if in the meantime I can have fun, why not take the opportunity? God knows I've had little enough of it lately.
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